Top 10 X-Men Characters Who Have Been Fucked Over

Writers wield much power when it comes to control over the direction of characters. As with anything, some things turn out fine and some things turn to total shit. Now, this list may seem similar to the last one I made, but in this case it's not an issue of attention so much as something that's happened to the character that makes it so that creators seem weary of using them or it simply puts the character in a bad light.

10. Storm
What happened? She got married.
Now some of you may disagree with this. Some of you may think the Black Panther and her are perfect for each other. The problem with the marriage is: We never see Storm anymore. Sure, she's on the Astonishing team, but it's not exactly a regular book. And yes, she does guest star every so often in Uncanny or a mini-series here or there, but what does she do besides throw a few lightning bolts and summon raging winds? And in terms of Black Panther, does that book even run anymore?
The worst part of this marriage seems to be that Storm, who formerly was the X-Leader who was more prone to violence (Marrow and Callisto, anyone?), is now all of sudden the most anti-death penalty of the X-Men. The roles have now been reversed between Cyclops and Storm in a way that displeases me at the very least. And I blame her getting married because at Marvel it seems women lose their unique pizass when they get married. Here's hoping someone throws a wrench in the marriage soon, remember how great Jean got while her marriage was falling apart?

9. Forge

What happened? He went crazy, tried to kill the X-Men, and maybe died doing it.
As some of you may recall, Ellis' first arc on Astonishing, "Ghost Box," featured a Forge gone crazy after the events of Messiah Complex where he got shot and suffered head trauma. From here, Forge tried to send the X-Men through the Ghost Box to a hostile universe, failed, and then ended up staying in his complex when it got blasted by a fricking laser.
Now, normally going insane and death are the two easy things to reverse in the X-Men universe. But let's look at the picture to the right--->
Forge isn't exactly a beloved character, he's definitely not a stylish character (last time we saw him he was wearing a metal thong), and I'm not even sure that he has fans. If Forge is going to recover from this hit to his character then it's probably going to take awhile or it's going to be in a ridiculous Easy-Fix Marvel Style that pisses off a lot of fans.

8. Jean Grey
What happened? She died, came back for five minutes, then died again and her resurrection has been teased ever since.
At this point in time, Jean fans may very well start holding Marvel writers at gun point until they write the return of Jean Grey. Her fans have been teased with Jean's return every few months for the past couple of years in the hopes that at least they'll buy these generally lame arcs. And now with Hope being connected to Jean and Second Coming being about Hope, it seems Jean's return is coming soon. Why is this a bad thing?
Because with all the teasing, fans are expecting a lot. Jean is also White Phoenix of the Crown now, so that just adds on to how much we expect out of her return. Now let's look at what we have: Odds are Fraction will be doing this book because Uncanny is the flagship book and he's got to have every X-Men character worth having on his book. And by now, you know how I feel about Fraction. Worse is Hope herself because these days she's everything about being a teenager we cringe about even though most of us probably acted like too. Still cringe-inducing. Right now Jean's return seems to be on hold because it seems writers know it needs to be such a production.

7. Dust

What happened? Young X-Men.
Dust was by far the most messed with character in Young X-Men. Within the first arc, Magma turns her to glass and afterwards she gets shattered. From there she gets put back together, but as we find out later, it's not holding up very well. In Young X-Men's final arc, Dust dies, but is saved by the deus ex machina of the series, Ink, with his Phoenix tattoo. This then results in her coming back "wrong" as demonstrated by the flash forwards over the course of the arc showing Dust killing the remaining mutants. How was this resolved? It wasn't. Young X-Men finished with issue #12 having done nothing to derail Dust's future homicidal tendencies.

And now the New X-Men find themselves in a place where they're getting chosen individually, so you can imagine how much panel time Dust's gotten since that mess screwed with her future. To what degree her character has been messed with has yet to be determined, she could very well bounce back with no one ever speaking of that arc ever again, but for now creators don't seem as willing to work with her as they had before.

6. Cassandra Nova
What happened? Astonishing X-Men's "Torn"
During Morrison's New X-Men, this villain was defeated by trapping her in the shapeshifting body of an alien referred to as Stuff. Later on a curious character named Ernst appeared and during the "Here Comes Tomorrow" arc we learn that Ernst was Cassandra Nova. Yet it seems all other writers missed that moment.
Austen the Awful attempted to use her for a future arc of his, but then he departed. Then Whedon actually did use her, and ended up contradicting the Ernst situation by presenting Cassie still stuck in Stuff's original form in the basement of the X-Mansion. And after that arc concluded we were left with no answers as to what happened with her.
Whedon basically fucked Cassandra over because any writer who wants to work with her now is going to have to sort through that mess. Which is too bad because A. Cassie's my favorite X-villain B. I loved the Ernst/Cassandra connection.

5. Xorn

What happened? Every shitty retcon known to man.
During Morrison's New X-Men, the refreshing new character Xorn was revealed to be Magneto. Then he was killed except it turns out thanks to shit retcons that it was Xorn pretending to be Magneto pretending to be Xorn on drugs. Then it turns out he's got a twin brother who's exactly like him except he disappears five minutes after his introduction. Then it's suggested that the Scarlet Witch actually was part of these shenanigans. Then Xorn's somehow involved in this bullshit Collective crap to make things worse. [Read it here]
The problem is people liked Xorn. He was something strange and exciting to the stale, normal X-Men who had previously been boring the masses. And the retcons for him were the most half-assed ideas I've heard in awhile. Here's what should have happened: They should have let Magneto appear alive and well in Excalibur like he did, and then slowly reveal what happened with an explanation that actually appears to be thought out. The one presented in HoM sounds the best, and really, it's better to have Xorn have been a facade than to have him be a fun character ruined by a lack of creativity on the part of writers who had to "fix" this "mess".

4. Sage
What happened? She was absorbed by the Crystal Palace.
As far as I'm concerned, this character will forever be Psylocke 2.0. As one of Claremont's pets, she's generally been given an extremely similar personality to Psylocke and tends to be used whenever Betsy's not available.
Unfortunately for her, this makes her pretty replaceable and ultimately, disposable. While Psylocke got out of the Exiles biz in time, Sage was with the rest of the team when they were absorbed by the Crystal Palace. Now she's stuck within a building with no real oppurtunity for an exit as Exiles was cancelled almost a year ago.
A factor in how I ranked this list included how likely the characters are going to bounce back from these situations. In most cases, putting a character in a limbo that also includes some problem barring them from returning is a tricky situation. With Sage it's almost impossible. She's essentially a Claremont pet; I don't know of anyone else who's ever used her. Only time will tell whether or not she can escape the terrors of Exiles limbo.

3. Bishop

What happened? Messiah Complex.

I fucking hate time travel stories. Time travellers, clones (besides X-23 and a few others), space operas, and resurrections rank high on my dislike list. So you can imagine that I never really liked Bishop. The thing is though that I'd never have wished this on him. On Cable? Totally, I've always hated that fucker. But Bishop was always the more likable of the two 90's time travellers.
And what happened? Well, during Messiah Complex his characterization did a 180 as Bishop all of a sudden became a psychotic nut claiming that Hope was the cause of his horrible future. From there, he chased Cable through time to kill Hope, and he went to measures so drastic that I still don't believe that it's Bishop that did that. In the end he was stranded alone in some burnt out version of the future he helped burn out.
He's so fucked I don't even know where to begin. As I said before, insanity and death are quick fixes and that goes double for being stuck in time. But not when they last as long as this, and with fans getting fatigued of this new version of Bishop before MC was even over. If Bishop is ever to be redeemed, it'll be awhile before we see him escaping the shadow of this dark time for his characterzation.

2. Chamber
What happened? Being transformed into looking like a younger Apocalypse.
The 3 dead members of Generation X have more of a chance of simultaneously being ressurected than Chamber does of having this crap reversed.
Chamber's first problem is that he appeared in New Excalibur. Betsy's only just recovering from the damages she sustained thanks to that crap series. Sage may never. Dazzler's trying to act like it didn't happen. Rachel's still stuck out in space. Simply put, an appearance in New Excalibur means that sometime soon you're going to get fucked over.
In Chamber's case, it was revealed that he's a descendant of Apocalypse and now he gets to look like him. Then he got shipped off to New Warriors which had a readership of about 30. And now he's Diva knows where. It'll probably be awhile before Jono's returns back to the angsty mouth flamer he used to be.

1. The Stepford Cuckoos

What happened? Phoenix Warsong.
True, these girls probably have and will continue to get more page time than the entirety of this list combined, but when do you think the next time their backstories will be explored?
The Cuckoos started off as creepy quintuplets with hive mind powers who spoke in unison (not finishing each other's lines like everyone insists on doing these days). Then Warsong came, revealed that they were actually clones of Emma who were only 2 years old but aged to 15, who were created by Sublime who runs Weapon Plus, and that they have a thousand other sisters. Literally. Then the Phoenix landed itself in them, and in order to keep it in control, the girls decided to seal the Phoenix in their hearts, rending them emotionless. Um, can anyone please show me exactly where emotions are produced in the heart? What's worse is other writers respected this story, well, besides Fraction and Land who made them look like whores or just idiot valley girls. While the diamond hearts situation has been resolved, the fact is their entire pasts are fucked. Clone stories suck, Weapon Plus sucks, and Sublime was the worst of Morrison's villains. I just find it hard to believe so much damage could be done to such amazing characters over the course of one mini-series.

The List #25 Part 2

X-Men Legacy #234
Writer: Mike Carey
Artist: Yanick Paquette
This may sound a bit ridiculous, but I always get excited when I see Yanick Paquette as artist. It's weird because he's not even close to my favorite artist, but something about his pencils thrills me.

This issue opens with Rogue trying to help Indra with his situation. Apparently he can no longer revert to armored form and it hurts for him to even try. What's worse is he thinks it's a punishment from his gods for killing that guy during Utopia or a blessing to stop fighting or whatever. Yeah, you'll hate him by the end of this issue too.

Meanwhile, the Cuckoos (who are featured quite a bit this post) lost their Phoenix fragments, and Cyclops has ordered them to search for where it went. Since the Phoenix can bend psi-probes, they believe if Rogue takes a bit of their power they'll be able to sense it as more passive telepaths. They tell Rogue that taking their power will mean she'll see things triangulating from three directions as one or however they put it. Not that it matters because during the time Rogue's telepathic she just seems to be the common kind. OH and Cuckoos are still finishing each other's sentences, meaning talking one at a time, rather than in unison. Like they used to. Which was a lot cooler. But I suppose, they must be normal! Even though the entire point of X-Men is pretty much a metaphor for social outcasts. Except the first five were all WASPs. Whatever.

Rogue has a bit of trouble dealing with all the thoughts of Utopia filling up her head. Throughout the issue we find her listening in on the thoughts of people nearby while in between character interactions. One thought struck me as snobby, bitchy, and divine. Obviously this could only be the thought of one diva: my favorite tranny ARIEL!!! Yes, my dear Ariel cameo queened it up with thoughts of prussian blue underwear. Don't forget to tuck, my dear! Anyway, she goes on to pick up on someone thinking in French:

Obviously, it's the ever-sexy Gambit's.

Google Translate tells me that this translates to, "I would not disturb, she will have me finally." The gist of the sentence is clear enough, but feel free to submit a better translation. Rogue goes to see Gambit and immediately recognizes there's something lurking inside his mind. Which is good because men dealing with their personal demons in a solo way usually just is super fucking angsty. She goes on to explain that she still avoids him because she fears her control over her power will slip. What's worse is to her he represents a loss of control, so that explains the avoiding. Except she's still telepathic, so she's broadcasting her ideas of her and Gambit losing self control to all of Utopia (see it here). It's followed by an island-long walk of shame.

Meanwhile, Surge is concerned Magneto's tampering with her powers by giving her more juice. And she's right! Apparently Magneto is doing this behind her back to train her. Which makes no fucking sense because she's not even aware that she should be trying to work with this change. Rogue is like, "Dude, wtf? Does that make sense on any planet?" Then Magneto asks Rogue how he should go about it, Rogue says get Surge's permission and he responds:

I love it when the Sassy Rogue of the Old Days meets Tough-As-Nails Rogue.
Seriously, Rogue could do with more sass, especially since a lot of the current readers grew up on her being that way on the 90's X-Men cartoon.

Oh and Magneto and Rogue kiss because of her feeling his attraction through empathy. It was awkward. Moving on, she also picks up on a stray thought of someone who apparently is in love with her. Bling! is in the panel shown for possible candidates and I'd be willing to bet it's her. Which would be cool except you just know that bitch Trance is going to just pipe up so she can shame the lesbian whore.

Finally, Rogue returns the Cuckoo's powers, apparently there's no trace of the Phoenix anywhere. She then returns to working with the ever-irritating Indra who keeps going on and on about his pacifist religion. K, sweetheart, if you're going to live with the X-Men, you've made yourself a target. You do what you do to survive, meaning your religion is the equivalent of a handbag, it's an accessory with survival taking first place. And if you disagree, might as well hop off the Utopia train. Anyway, Indra fears he's being possessed by something else and then his power finally work but goes to some sort of knight armor thing. Did we not just do a f#@%ing possession story?

In the end, Rogue gets comforted by Gambit, there's sexual tension as there always is, and the fans reading are getting pissed because we desire vicarious sexy time with Gambit. Don't judge, heterosexual males, he's a delicious piece of fictional male and you know it. Conclusion: Buy this issue because Legacy's probably the best X-Book going right now and probably the one I most consistantly have fun talking about.

Nation X #4
Writer #1: Peter Milligan
Artist #1: Mike Allred
This story we get the reunion of the X-Statix creative team as well as the return of the team's cameraman, Doop. The story consists of Doop investigating for someone who will commit a crime on Utopia. To find out who it is he uses some usual forms of testing including:

Bahah, dance, Magneto, dancceeeee! The suspects Cannonball and Gambit end up trying to kill Doop and it turns out everyone's confessing to having violent feelings. Then Wolverine tries to kill Doop and Doop wakes up. Yeah, it was all a dream, and Doop apparently has a sexy girlfriend who speaks Doopean. It's a very X-Statix-y story for those of you who miss the series and that brand fo humor (and I do).

Writer #2: Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa
Artist: #2: Harvey Tolibao
This story focuses in on Emma and the Cuckoos, and of course, yet again it seems impossible for any current writing team to do either correctly. It opens with Emma and Namor off in a shared fantasy fighting the Kraken, a reference to Clash of the Titans. I have to scold Miss Frost because these little fantasies were how she got into trouble last time. Seriously, Emma, do you want to put yourself in another frustrating relationship with a man child? Iron Man, Namor the first time, Sebastian Shaw, and Cyclops? Still haven't learned?

Apparently Emma's bored and she gives Scott lip about it. In response, he smacks her and tells her to go fix dinner. What? Is ANYONE else starting feel that this is where the relationship is going? I find her current submissive position in their relationship so infuriating that I'm praying for a violent decapitation of Cyclops scene in Second Coming. Who's with me? We could get a peutition going. Moving forward, the Cuckoos are bored too, and have been forcing Loa, Match, and Paras into psychic illusions recreating horror movies about evil children for cheap thrills.

Oh and for some fucked up reason, the writer seems to insist on giving a push to Fraction's edit of saying Mindee was meant to be called Irma and proceeds to call her that for the rest of the issue. Dear Roberto, do you know what kind of people grow into the name Irma? Middle-aged women who smoke a pack a day and work as secretaries, that's who. What's worse is the writer also has the Cuckoos speak in unison and has Frost dismiss it as a "thing" they do rather than the default way they should be speaking. Ugh, he's seriously worse than Fraction.

The reason for the Cuckoos being so mischevious is that they're restless without the Phoenix now, and feel like any "run of the mill telepath." Then they go no offense to Miss Frost. Except Emma Frost isn't some common telepath nor is she Omega level. She's a level below all the super-powered Greys and Xaviers of the land (with only Nate and Jean being Omega), but remarkable for her skill with her powers. Then Emma goes onto this:

And indeed he was quite tasty in that movie, have a look.

One thing done right here is Emma is back to advising the girls in that snobby, elitist way that she did in the old days with the girls no longer resisting her. Because heaven knows that grudge that they had against her was the world's most tired material. In the end, the girls are given some responsibilities which include teaching, much like Emma did on Genosha. Except their in the classroom panel is the a severely lame showing of them just being dumb. But at least they were being slightly weird again. In the end the story was all right.

Writer #3: Ivan Brandon
Artist #3: Rael Lyra
This story revolves around Loa, Match, and Rockslide sneaking to the refrigerator for a snack because food is rationed on Utopia and they're damned sick of it. Except my boyfriend Warpath is standing guard of said refrigerator. Which makes sense for the X-Men to put their delicious things together. The story has a large part of Warpath snoozing on the job and the students getting there. AND for the second time ever, we get to see Loa use her beautiful powers. Seriously, were she my friend, I'd always be using her as a paper shredder. Also, this is the first time we see Loa have a personality, and I have to say I adore it. It's very rebellious without all the anger and angst of that Surge has with it. She's also got a smart mouth, and I'm just hoping this sticks. Another new thing we have brought into the picture is apparently Santos can absorb debris and shit while already formed.

Warpath ends up catching the group and tells them to get away. And Loa ends up bringing in a good point about how the X-Students are treated:

See the lovable factor of this newfound personality?

Warpath ends up taking care of Match by throwing him in a gas oven, and takes off Santo's head. Not that it stops him from bitching. In the end it comes to a standoff between Loa and Warpath with amazing amounts of Loa badassness and Warpath sexyness. I'll post the last page since I find it to awesome not to share after my summary.

After this there's a story between Namor and Storm with Storm playing her new role as of late which is the X-Oprah. She ends up challenging Namor and he gets a fish for the island. It's the weakest story of the bunch. Conclusion: Probably the best issue of the mini-series, definitely consider buying this. And now for sexy Warpath time!

The List #15

Uncanny X-Men #517
Writer: Matt Fraction
Artist: Greg Land
This issue is yet again full of the same issues a lot of the X-Books have been having post-Utopia. The first problem is that "Utopia" is visually uninteresting. This issue itself was rendered visually boring by only having a character on a panel with just either sky or sea behind them. And the island itself is usually just...brown. Comic books rely on writing and art coming together, so when one fucks up, the entire product is screwed. Yet another fun problem courtesy of Fraction.
Land isn't much better, look at the cover. Wtf is he doing with Psylocke just randomly on Namor. With no legs. This cover is total fail.

This issue pretty much revolves around fighting the Predators and considering my thoughts on Matt Fraction's battle scenes, you can imagine how entertained I was. And honestly, considering how powered up the X-Men are now, I do not buy the Predators being that difficult.

We also had another showing "surfer summers" this month:

Freakin' Magneto!? Dude, I mean, BRAW! What the fuck, braw, what the fuck?!
By the way, "surfer summers" is now a tag so we can all track the random transformation of Cyclops from tightass WASP (as in the acronym, not the insect) to bro.

Um, does having psychic abilities arouse the psychics?
Seriously, remember last post's rant on the Cuckoos portrayal? This shit is why. The Cuckoos are at least still high school age and these poses are definitely sexualized. Dis-gust.

Anyway, the issue itself was mildly interesting. It was so sad to see the Cyclops had to present Magneto using his powers on the metal-skinned Predators as a stroke of genius. It should've been the fucking default idea and considering the man used to threaten to shift the magnetism of the entire planet, he should've had no trouble, old and repowered in a funky way or not.

I have way too much love for the Daz panel. Seriously, Diva's one panel appearance is just powerful woman love. Also, I kind of like the gay icon is next to the campy image of Wolverine which is done by Land and is recycled so often it's ridiculous. Oh and I should mention in case anyone is wondering about what happened to my following the cameo queens, especially in those four posts following their appearances. After Utopia, there were way too many appearances of the cameo queens as background filler and I have nowhere near the time to follow all of that nowadays. So cameo queens posts won't be updated anymore, but they'll still get attention as they appear in the comics I read.

Storm came into the fight late and was addressing the Predator when she entered. It sort of reminded me of her animated appearance with her weather haikus. We had creative use of Rogue time, which was admittedly cool, but felt forced as if Fraction is desperately looking for someone to think he's badass.

In the end, the Phoenix left the Cuckoos which led to Cyclops telling Emma she needs the Void thing taken care of. I'm thrilled because that dumbass diamond move has affected her appearances everywhere, so it's still not her anywhere but Astonishing. Seriously, this has been since the beginning of Utopia. WTF. Anyway, I'm glad the Phoenix left the Cuckoos since that was a big damage of Phoenix Warsong. Hope they don't get portrayed as normal now that they don't have their "diamond hearts". Good news though is that Phoenix activity means one thing which I dread Fraction's hand being on the project of: Jean's coming back! But I remember what she once said:

I invite it to come burn away what doesn't work then.

Gotham City Sirens #6
Writer: Paul Dini
Artist: Guillem March
I adore the cover of this issue. Because I adore Ivy, of course. Sadly, this issue disappointed more than the last. It's depressing that a series the promotes three villainess' antics ends up rotating around men who have barely anything to do with the title. Seriously, it's the most sexist shit I've ever seen. When this book gets cancelled, which I'm sorry to say but it probably will, I would just like everyone to know why. I buy the book for Ivy and Harley. I expect their character's to be delved into. Not this 2-dimensional treatment their getting now. Don't argue that they aren't dynamic characters--I've got a massive folder of scans to prove otherwise. In the end, this is simply depressing. I was so thrilled to hear about this book when it was introduced too.

New Mutants #7
Writer: Zeb Wells
Artist: Diogenes Neves
I have to say I regret missing and promoting the action of New Mutants #6. Turns out I missed Amara getting stabbed/shot/wounded. And Warlock being beheaded. This issue's pretty interesting as it delves into Cypher's problems with being controlled and his trying to fight it. It's intense except for that fucking stupid question he asks when he's trying to figure himself out: "What language am I?!?!" Fucking cheesy. But Wells is definitely taking this Necrosha, dead mutant deal seriously as we see Jetstream get cut in half this issue. Yay for upping the action of this series. Anyway, I don't have much else to say on this issue but buy it and that I love this line that Magik and Colossus share:

The List #14

X-Force #21
Writers: Chris Yost and Craig Kyle
Artist: Clayton Crain

X-Force returns to us this month with the better of the two rotating artists, Clayton Crain, covering Necrosha. Which I love considering his goth-y style. Choi's pretty pencils are better suited on a book less involved with frequently eviscerating people.

Looking at the Preview (Clickety) you see Vanisher returning to be almost cut by Tarot's Death card. Um. Yeah is it me or does Death look and move like one of the Reaper thingies from Devil May Cry 3? Yes/Yes?

Also in the previews we have probably the first time Crain really draws any real amount of the X-Men. And I have to say they all look mighty epic! And the colorful factor is really dazzling especially since that's never seen with X-Force's grey and black fashion preference. Oh and another epic moment made more epic with Crain is:

Beautiful.

Yar, so Banshee is among the resurrected specifically picked out to disturb the almighty fuck out of Emma. Funny that, she's trapped in, y'know, emotionless diamond form. Whatever, a writer remembering Emma's time in Generation X is a gift anyway. Yeah and Sean and some others show resistance towards their programming. Which makes me wonder if that means they'd actually keep the resurrected mutants alive considering how resurrection-happy things have been already. It'd be sort of tragic since it'd just continue to show how little death means in the Marvel universe.

Now wouldn't that be exciting? I'd love the return of the Cuckoos best sisters. And a Jean appearance would of course be absolutely delicious. Imagine having God at your control. It's what Selene would have if she got Jean.

In the end of this issue we discover Selene is resurrecting all the dead mutants of Genosha, which is pretty much the inverse of Morrison's New X-Men and I have to say a really cool idea. Especially since I thought this crossover was going to be really simple and mildly boring. Now i'm sort of looking forward to it.

Dark Avengers #11
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Artist: Mike Deodato Jr.

I usually love this series, but this issue there was only ONE thing interesting about it: We find out Victoria Hand is a lesbian! That's it.

X-Men Legacy #229
Writer: Mike Carey
Artist: Daniel Acuna

Most of this issue is Rogue running around trying to save Bling! and that's endlessly interesting in al the ways that aren't. I like Rogue, but she's only so interesting in these sort of "Search and Rescue" and "Run away!" situations because there's very limited opportunities for personality to come through. Good news though: Gambit finds out about Rogue going on the mission and throws a little bitch fit.

This is the second time Scott been all surfer-like. Seriously, no tightass like Cyclops goes around say "What's wrong, man?" Like why doesn't he just start going "Aw bro, that sucks balls, dude!"

Oh and it turns out Gambit is still Death sometimes....like Archangel. The originality is staggering. At least he reflects on his transformation:

We see his abs.
We love his abs.
Shirtless Gambit is a good day.

Ok, people, you may want to start pressing the follow button on this blog. I think it's possible my voice is being heard by Mike Carey himself. For he heard my cries!! FOR MOREEEE........

Ariel!!!
Oh my good gravy Jesus she's more fabulous than condensed Gay Pride.

Ok, so to review: According to me and this blog, this character is a tranny, meaning transsexual, meaning delicious potential for character development. Anyway, I made a promise to Carey to sing his praise whenever he bothers to include Ariel in his series. Carey, if you are listening out there, I will keep continuing this promise and I want to up my offering: if you make Ariel a regular character on X-Men Legacy then I'll get a year's subscription. If you go with making her trans then I'll be two years. Not kidding, I'll scan the board that comes with comic book subcriptions to prove it. (I don't actually think he has any idea this blog exists or my love for Ariel, but on the off chance he finds this place, he needs to know my dedication to making Ariel get more attention.)

So she shows up and does the fabulous thing naturally. And I just have to say that I love that she watches daytime TV. I'd bet dollars to donuts she watches The View.

Belt it, Diva!

Ok, now I have to bitch. I know I said I'd sing Carey's praise. And I do, he's an amazing writer. I love him unconditionally for his time on X-Men before Legacy and for introducing Ariel into my life. But like your mother, I'll always love you, but you'll also never be completely good enough. My problem is this: Why do writers love Dr. Nemesis? They write him like such a cheap immitation of House it's sad. Like boys boys boys, stop using your House fan fiction to write him. And kill him off actually. But suppose that's too much to ask.

But love to Acuna for drawing the Cuckoos in an age-appropriate, non-slutty way. Now, I still don't like the schoolgirl gimmick, but it's hard to tell if that's what is being done here. The thing is: They're 16. Schoolgirl thing is often a sexualized deal and this is comic books where women are often sexualized. So I'm just saying the artists should take into consideration that half the students are Sophomore age and watch how they portray them since shit like Land's sexualized Pixie is one of the most creepy things I've ever seen. Seriously, that's unacceptable. Anyway, summary, good on Acuna for that one.

Conclusion, buy this issue because Ariel is in it. Check how I said that. I didn't say if you like Ariel, buy it. I said buy the issue with the reasoning of because Ariel is in it. Get on it and Carey, X-pect a question from me about Ariel in your next X-Position.

Spider-Woman #3
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Artist: Alex Maleev

I know I seem lazy by doing this again, but A. I've had a frackin' exhausting week B. I want you to fucking watch the motion comics of this. K, so same as last time, this series is fucking epicly amazing. Watch it online and buy every issue that releases.

Dark Avengers/Uncanny X-Men: Utopia #1 Review

Writer: Matt Fraction

Artist: Marc Silvestri

Before I begin, I need to say where the fuck was Psylocke in this? She's on the cover, but not inside and that ticks me off because she was supposed to be present while being British and disapproving.

This one-shot begins with Trask and his boring inner monologue. Be prepared, writing done from boring viewpoints happens a lot in this issue. One thing I like about Silvestri's portrayal of Trask is:

He totally gave him a hick/70s porn star 'stache. I can totally go along with not liking him even more now.

Now this entire thing is very gay-tilted. It's about Prop X, which prevents mutants from reproducing even though originally mutants came from non-mutant parents. Plus we've got conservative hicks vs. "freaks". Sounding pretty gay metaphor-y? Yeah, except I find the gay comparison relied on way too much in this issue.

Anyway, the rednecks are heading to city hall when the mutants show and let me just say:

Fraction is totally pushing for the gay theme by putting Anole, Graymalkin, and Northstar as the front of the mutant team. Plus once-rumored-to-be-gay Beast. And the gay icon for readers who've not seen the light of Frost, Dazzler.
Side note: Jean Paul looks like a sex machine.

Then a riot between normals and freaks erupts and something of note is Hellion's choice of dress:

Quentin Quire, anyone?

Plus to make it more obv, we've got Glob Herman, QQ's BFF in the background. And by the way, you readers that bitch about Hellion's "emo" hair really need your eyes checked. Search emo hair. Long black hair in center part is unlikely to show up often. Seriously. STFU, I've had what's considered emo hair and I know what it is very well. That's not it. Stop getting up in arms over a male character being portrayed with some personal flair, not every guy character has to have your boring lack of personal style.

Post-riot, boring radio blurps about who's at fault. The X-Men stay at home. Then a meeting with the Mayor occurs in truly mundane fashion. I'll tell you what isn't mundane:

Emma's outfit. GIRRRLLL, show them assets off!

Attention shifts to Storm and T'Challa, FF4, and Avengers receiving the news. GOOD NEWS EVERYONE: Logan's only appearance is his hand snikting as he hears the news. Used as he should be used, much like fats should be eaten, sparingly.

Next the X-Peeps are split into teams and sent to guard certain positions. Cyke encounters Toad and verbally pwns him. Then he pwns him physically in a fabulous panel done by Silvestri.

Good one, Mr. Silvestri.

We turn to Osbourne and his Dark Avengers who are discussing the events occurring. And one of them dares insults Osbourne's hair! *Gasptastic!* (Heh, corn rows, I totally loled at that) And then, Daken says something that makes me wonder if his bisexual happening in Wolvie Origins was maybe not a one-time only.

Daken, you are truly the undiscovered Marvel Diva.

Back at the riots, things are getting tense as the X-universes lesbians, both good and evil, begin arguing.

It's really getting hot in here. But there will be no sexing, Karma's got her atrocious headband to guarantee that.

But it's all interrupted as Nekra gets slammed by the BJ-face inducing appearance of Ms. Moonstone and what she says is truly gasp-worthy:

I know girls, this really is quite upsetting. After all my criticism of personality-flat Emma, I didn't realize Moonstone had stolen it. My apologies to Fraction, I didn't know.

Back on the other side of the riot, Colossus apparently beat up Rockslide. Holy child abuse, Batman, how many senior X-men are going to kick the shit out of him before social services is called?

Then more Dark Avengers crap, Bullseye shows how boringly psychotic he can be while Ares makes a truly grand appearance that I actually found fun:

Until he threatened the gays.
Dressed like a total leather-bound bear.
I love how gay this issue is!

Then Emma finally has a scene and the first panel of her looks like she's experienced the facelift from hell. Luckily, Silvestri picks his shit back up and draws her flawlessly again. All the while Emma and Osbourne have a totally confusing as shit conversation, not for it's "mystery", but it's dialogue seems awkward.

The issue wraps with Cyclops being arrested with the Cuckoos, but running off. With the girls doing nothing. Something Fraction does not seem to understand is A. Before their diamond hearts, the Cuckoos were still quite creepy and not at all valley girl-ish. B. They were pretty detached from the institute and it's code of morals. C. Lastly, they didn't let anyone push them around:

Got it?

Overall, the issue's art made me want to jizz continuously, Silvestri is amazing. Except sometimes his girls get too much treatment in the lips, tits, and ass dept. Also, when they "gasp" they look like blowup dolls. Fraction, on the other, did not do well. Telling the story through generally boring points of view, too much buildup with little delivery and barely any real action yet. I know this story is exposition for an event, but it also needs it's own climax yet it turned out to be all exposition. He also seemed to rely on the gay metaphor too much for me to think it clever.