Dark Avengers/Uncanny X-Men: Exodus #1 Review

Writer: Matt Fraction
Artists: Mike Deodato and Terry Dodson

Again, cover is superior and Bianchi should have definitely been the artist on the Namor vs. The Sentry fight. Because I'd f#@%ing love me some Namor done in Bianchi's gay porn pencils. Anyway, welcome to the conclusion of the barely progressive Utopia. You may as well call it Messiah War. This issue opens with ANOTHER revisit to the pointless Emma/Scott secrets debate which has been WAY overhyped. The result is they try to discuss it like rational adults in an undramatic fashion. While they don't discuss it, they probably will and it won't be all that epic. Oh and I love this.

Apparently she had an idea of what was going on. Gee, no shit, as she once stated, she knows the telepathic feeling of someone being dead real well. I can imagine that would also mean she can sense when people's minds are fixated on it as well.

The majority of this issue has Mike Deodato as the artist and I LOVE HIM. He is the master artist for all things Dark Reign and Thunderbolts related and I just hope that when Dark Reign falls, he will follow Osborn back to Thunderbolts mountain.

This issue is basically a big fight scene, definitely more satisfying than Fraction's previous attempts, but he stills fails at really getting into the meat of a fight scene considering we get a page dedicated to Archangel and Bullseye's entering the fight without the payoff of a real hardcore fight scene. Also, concerning when Bullseye shot out his arrows, what the hell is this?

Exactly how much abuse are the gays going to take this crossover? JESUS!
Also, is that my beloved Husk?! HAY GURRLL!!!

Daken and X-23's fight scene was extremely disappointing, I can't believe she had to take help from Wolverine's other lackeys, Hisako and Pixie. Seriously, in a fair world I think calculating X-23 would've won against cocky Daken. Everyone else's fights I sort of felt mainly indifferent about, especially Cyclops and Osborn's. But I did think it fucking dumb that Nekra, Frenzy, and Bling! could take down Moonstone. Like the X-23 fight, it was just pure bullshit. However, something I did like during the fight scenes:

I thought this was epic.
I also thought Dani Moonstar kicking some ass was divine. Seriously, I now officially LOVE the New Mutants.
Speaking of things I thought were impossible:

That's impossible.
Dark Beast does not have the power to defeat Northstar or Dazzler separately, let alone together.

Luckily, Fraction had a moment of genuine talent and wrote a scene that felt like Emma was actually in-character:

This next scene is a bit funny. Fraction is in essence citing back to another appearance by Emma that similarly lacks any of her personality and treats her like Jean-lite. It's bland, Emma's too mom-like, and Dodson's the artist for this scene. But then tragedy strikes as Emma holds back the Void.

Emma takes a piece of the Void in her and is stuck in diamond form for fear of releasing the Void is her powerful telepathic mind. Which, by the way, IS NOT OMEGA LEVEL. Fraction, stop trying to amp up your "love" for her by over-citing past appearances she's had as well as over-amping her powers. If she were Omega she would've stood a chance against Jean, but she didn't. Emma Frost's strength was that while she was not the most powerful she was incedibly skilled and practiced in her powers that usually had daily practice considering her amoral nature. She could've been trapped in diamond from this entire past year though considering how overused her diamond power is in Uncanny. While I'm glad she'll be all cold and emotionless for awhile, that fact is she was already evil before this crap. Well. Not evil, but she was the team bitch. Stop trying to make it look like her being evil is foreign and only happens when it's forced on her. I'm just glad Astonishing is apparently ignoring this diamond-state deal.

The issue wraps up with Moonstone coming to get Osborn since the cameras are all out and they'd have to kill all the X-Men to win. Osborn gets all pissy with her and she's all damsel-y. Which is, again, bullshit. Moonstone is a capable woman who would calmly get Osborn to stop and look around. Not whimper. Not be beaten by a bunch of D-Listers. Anyway, I do happen to love the massive group shot, despite the fact that none of my favorite characters are in it. It's all over here!

In the end, we get ANOTHER, fucking MILLIONTH "The whole world is watching"as well as speeches of boringdom from both sides. Sadly, Dark X-Men are still alive and now apparently in the same league as the Dark Avengers. So far from the truth. Oh and there's one more thing:

That's also from Morrison's News X-Men. Morrison needs to sue for overuse of his work.
Also, it seems all of Fraction's ideas are from Morrison's run. I liked this issue, but fucking A Fraction's writing is pathetic.

Finally word, buy this issue, but honestly only the intro and conclusion are worth owning. It's not the best, but it's finally a decent amount of drama and fighting. What's also good about this is that Necrosha preview is in the back. It's AMAZING! I'm so excited to review this.

One last thing, here's the Bianchi cover gallery I promised, google for bigger images, they're not hard to find:

Astonishing X-men #30 Review

Writer: Warren Ellis
Artist: Simone Bianchi

To start off, the first thing I noticed about this issue was the change in the positions of Emma and Storm on the cover which was a REALLY smart move. Before Storm looked sort of confusing and Emma was crunched into the background, and it was just Humberto Ramos positioning. What is Humberto Ramos positioning you may ask?

It's cramping people together and not using your space wisely. Some characters are barely seen (X-23 is right by Colossus' arm, blink and you'll miss her) and then some characters take up too much room (Colossus). Many readers seem to think he's a "wonderful" artist, but fucking A, he positions characters like I did when I was 12! This man is paid to deliver, so why not criticize an inability to make wise use of the space. That's Drawing 101 shit! I know, I just took it last semester.
Anyway, props to whoever was in charge of the cover change. Now to the story!

The X-Men are confronting Forge, he's very obviously out of his mind and they talk about the whole "new mutants" thing. We know Forge is crazy, and he apparently displays it openly.

In a metal thong. Good f$%^ing heavens.

The X-Men continue discussing how Forge did not "make" new mutants like he thinks he did and the unthinkable happens.

Forge insults Emma, and she says nothing! I'm sorry, she is not above kicking a man when he's down and she should've went on about how no one cares for Forge. Later on in the issue it was made clear it was an insecurity of his, so it would've been an effective shot.

So Forge, being the boring person that he is, tries to make a case for his sanity all the while threatening to sic his Cenobites on the X-Men should they tick him off. It's really mundane and predictable.
Something to note though is the poor quality of the art. The sharpness of previous issues is really absent and everything has a flawed watercolor feel to it. That and Emma looks like a cross between the Little Mermaid and a bad anime character.

In the middle of redundant plots moves, something even more unfortunate occurs.

Ellis tries to be trendy. It fails miserably.
Still here, Hisako? That's a shame.

The phone call is from Abby Brand and she's got a big honkin' laser pointed at Forge's location since she knows there's a ghost box in there. For the first time, I genuinely have love for Miss Brand because in this case the X-Men are playing it like stupid motherfuckers. After seeing his freak creations who have power dampeners, who's very existence demonstrates mental instability within him, they charge and note that they're losing their powers. Even if they succeeded in beating Forge, the fact is they took a huge risk and very unprepared.

Wolverine cuts off Forge's leg, apparently the source of the power inhibitor. And heaven and hell open up before us:

First, jesus Ellis, did you not pay attention to Whedon's writing? Hisako is meant to be generally levelheaded and refreshingly human. Not a fucking dits! Even if you wrote her right, Hisako, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!

Second, I have to say it always excites me to no end when I see a telepath reach for their head. Go Miss Frost! Liquify Forge's synapses!

In desperation, Forge opens the Ghost Box and sends his new mutants to keep the X-Men there.
But the X-Men do something I love every time I see it:

They flash their powers in a group shot and oh the nostalgia because this is the scene that plays in my head every time I see something like this.

Meanwhile, Storm tries to appeal to Forge to get out of there. And then this gem shows up:

Group shot and homoerotic undertones!
But seriously boys, keep the spanking in the bedroom.

Problem going on here is the team is strapped for time since Beast said for Brand to lock on the phone's position and shoot the laser there soon. Storm gives up on Forge and blasts a path for them with her weather powers. In a scene I feel is so reminiscent of the animated series, I just wish she would've shouted out one of her weather haikus. "Thunder, destroy the freaks my ex-lover has created!" For real, I would've cried tears of joy to see that.

The team leaves, the laser is shot, and Forge is "dead" until he's needed again. From there, he will have some insane explanation for his surviving a massive laser. Anyway, the ghost box teleports the laser beam, frying those who would hope to invade earth and the mission is done. Things wrap up in conversation, finishing the Ororo/Scott conflict built up earlier and other things. The end for now.

Overall, the art has suffered a lot this issue. Plus, yet again Astonishing is hindered by a slow artist, not that I don't think he's phenomenally talented, but he's slow. And yet again, we had the problems of delays that make people think that Astonishing is now a subpar book that most have dropped. Ellis writes more plot-based than character-based in my opinion and it shows in his inability to write Emma or Hisako. Unfortunately, he chose a plot going over M-Day AGAIN, which was overdone when it started, but now it's ridiculously mundane. Still, as subpar as the arc is, Astonishing is still better and will always continue to be better than Fraction's Uncanny or anyone in recent year's Uncanny. I'd honestly choose Astonishing over a lot of the other X-Books, delays and all because it's closest to giving the A-Game that Morrison was all about when he was doing New X-Men.

Speaking of New X-Men, seems Bianchi is thankfully leaving and PHIL JIMENEZ is taking over as artist. He had a stint on New X-Men way back when and it was HEAVEN. And he probably won't be a delay-y kind of guy since I believe this was during the bi-weekly period. Seriously, I'm ridiculously excited for him to come aboard and restore Astonishing to its former glory.

Not to ruin the positive mood, but am I the only one bothered by Ororo's mutating head ornament thing? It's a living thing that is growing and now resembles a tick! Possibly the subject of Ellis' upcoming arcs? Here's hoping!

Astonishing X-men #29 Review

Writer: Warren Ellis

Artist: Simone Bianchi

First things first: Gorgeous cover!! Finally a cover without Wolverine and featuring this team's best members.

Now, I must criticize, Ellis does not seem to understand that Emma is not helpless without her powers. There is an issue of Generation X that is dedicated to this. She has self defense training; as any pole dancer, in her case ex, should have. I don't doubt Storm is superior to her in that arena since Storm led a team for a long time without powers, but Emma should not be saying she cannot protect herself.

Then it's onto Forge talk where we hear about the events of M-Day and the Messiah Complex. Again! Did you forget them? I'm sure we talked about them last issue and the issue before, but in case you forgot!

Hisako is the biggest WTF of the team. She joined because she got pulled into a mess, but she should've been off the team as soon as they returned to Earth. And now she's shot which I'd be happy about except she loves to whine and make "cutesy" remarks:

Cyclops: "Why the fuck is she still on the team?
Wolverine: "Y'know, I forget."
Just look at their poses and tell me that's not what they're thinking. Speaking of looking at their poses:

Every time I read Astonishing with Bianchi I wonder why I'm getting turned on and then I look at the near nudity of the men. Also, their posing is just so gay porn-y, seriously look through an Astonishing some time. Not that I'm complaining though! I fucking love it, Bianchi should make a porno comic after this stint.

Continuing, normally I hate extended fight scenes, but the two-page Storm-will-cut-a-bitch version was HEAVEN. If Storm were to be depowered again and put as head of a team it would be heavenlier because she knows how to kick some ass.

Also, the return of threats from Miss Frost was wonderful. Tacky bitchy humor out of Uncanny has left me questioning if this is my character, but Astonishing always reminds me that she is still the torture happy psycho I fell in love with.

Now the part I absolutely climaxed at was this entire page:

I would buy 30 of this fucking issue just for that page. Finally, the idiotic argument about Emma will feel about X-Force gets commentary because we who REALLY know Emma knows she would not give a fuck. She just did it now and even volunteered to cover for Cyclops. Then he PMSes over her lying thing. As if he did not know this about the ex-White Queen. He knows she'd lie to him if she thought it was right, but he should know that she will come to him when the time is right for her to tell him. To end the pointless argument on the planet of who will freak out over who's secret (Emma's Cabal and Scott's X-Force), Emma would be like, "...K, I have to go torture somebody. Oh by the way dear, I'm working with Osbourne to protect us from the government," and then Cyclops would have a man-child explosion as usual.

Now onto part 2 of my "Hisako, why are you here?" section:

You see the look again? They're wondering. And you know, there is one fucking fantastic line missing from here that would shut this endlessly annoying girl up (First line only:

Seriously Miss Frost, get on the ball.

To end my post, I want to comment on Bianchi's work since in my opinion it has significantly improved. The women no longer look like trannies and the men are sexual looking as ever. And this has to be one of my favorite panels of a gorgeous Miss Frost from this issue (though I question wearing hoops to any mission):