Astonishing X-Men #34 Review + News

Astonishing X-Men #34
Writer: Warren Ellis
Artist: Phil Jimenez
Before I begin I just have to say that it's a weird feeling to throw a bookmark in Xenogenesis to return to Exogenetic, an arc I've mostly forgotten about at this point. It's also difficult to state both arcs' names without fucking it up; like seriously Ellis your next arc's title should stay away from the word "Gene" and anything that uses "x", "e", and "o".

This issue opens with Cyclops getting pissy with Beast over keeping notes on what experiments he's tried to restore mutantkind to its former glory because the enemy's managed to get a hold of them. It's pretty weak considering anyone who's just taken Bio in high school knows that scientists fucking LOVE their notes. It's difficult to believe that Cyclops would expect anything other than meticulous note-taking when it comes to Beast's experiments. You'll notice while this is going on that the divide between the team members is shown with Moral McCoy having other currently moral characters behind him and Cyclops having the amoral ones behind him [see it here]. Anyway, from here the fight evolves to Beast fucking giving it to Scott about his current attitude:

And that's the first time I've liked Beast in years. Beast's little rant reminds me of [this post] I made on X-Factor: Nation X about how it seemed like David was just using his characters as his mouthpieces to vent his criticisms on Utopia. Well, it seems like this is another example with Ellis using Beast to criticize how Cyclops is way too much of an asshole these days. Which I support because Cyclops really has been a mega-douche as of late.

Anyway, after this Cyclops and Beast share a smile and what seems like an understanding with Beast proceeding to tell him that he's not a killer and the way he's been acting just isn't him. Which is much better executed than Fraction's Beast who is just constantly drama queening out at Cyclops without ever seeming to try for a real sit-down discussion about what's going on.

Following this there's another monster-from-the-past attack as a genetic mix between Sauron and Brood attacks the team minus Beast and Cyclops who are continuing their heart-to-heart elsewhere. While this is going on Emma asks about Sauron and his abilities with Hisako and Storm letting her know that it's him and that he transforms. From there Emma does the telepath thing that I love so much:

And brings the Sauron/Brood hybrid back to human-ish mode. From there Cyclops and Beast catch up to the team and Cyclops instructs everyone to get off the ship they're currently in to the X-Plane and that him and Emma will be there in a second. That second being used to quickly share a kiss with Emma and then blast out the head of the mutant being used for whatever evil purposes that we saw last issue (he apologizes to it first at least).

Next we have the X-Men in the X-Jet trying to figure out where they are, and it's Storm who tells them they're in a remote part of Japan. She knows this because her being attuned to weather systems makes it so that she recognizes individual differences (and she's been to Japan before so she'd know what it feels like). Definitely an interesting aspect of her powers that I'd never heard before, but it makes sense.

The X-Men then wait in their ship as they watch the enemy's ship go into a mountain headquarters which they follow it into. Inside is a massive zombie workshop and watching the X-Plane enter on a screen is a bald-headed guy in a wheelchair. Yeah, so probably look forward to Xavier clone fight scene next issue?

Conclusion: Despite being a severely late issue to an arc that's almost been forgotten, it was still a great issue of Astonishing joy that beats out the lame crap being served out in most of the other areas of the X-Verse. The art is enjoyable as ever because Jimenez on art for anything is a genius move. Also, Ellis seems to have a great handle on the characters these days, particularly Emma who he spotlighted quite a bit this issue, and I just wish more people would tune into his take on the X-Men because it's way more believable than what's going on in Fraction's universe these days. And now for the news:

X-Men: Curse of the Mutants Saga #1
This isn't technically a review since saga's are just a compilation of previews, info, and interviews. Basically, it's all news. Except for my first comments which is concerning the cover [click here for a bigger version] and Namor on it. Um. If that neckline dropped any further we'd be seeing his sperm whale. Which is not a complaint, it's more like a suggestion. Namor's only asset to the X-Men is his constant state of skimpy dress, and I'm here to say I demand more of it for the rest of '10.

This saga starts with interviews and previews showing us who the major players of this arc are. Remember those "We are the X-Men" promos? Apparently those character are the major players. They're sort of a random, mismatched bunch; the worst being this guy--->

Apparently this marks X-Man joining the X-Men. Yeah, his "meh" face about it pretty much reflects mine. I really don't see his appeal, and now with his robe-like coat and his white streak and his older-looking face I just get a gross Hugh Hefner vibe.

The end of this saga is pages of major players in the X-Universe with biographies written by creators like Carey, David, and Yost. The players covered are Cyclops, Rogue, Gambit, Magneto, Multiple Man, Wolverine, Daken, Emma Frost, and...Karma. Yeah, her inclusion in this confuses me.

I have to say that Emma's page frustrated the fuck out of me [Here!] Done by the writer who did that awful Origins one-shot on Emma and art done by Brooks who I consider on Dodson's level of being too cartoon-y and cutesy to be taken seriously. What's worse is on the other side is Madrox done by Peter David with Pablo Raimondi's art which is as goddamned gorgeous as ever. The worst part is this attempt at redeeming Emma's days teaching the Hellions:

Yeah, she was a real softie when it came to the Hellions:

For heaven's sake, it's ok for her to have been an evil bitch.

It's ok if she's one now. Trying to redeem her further won't make the boards like her or make them stop bitching about her being a homewrecking whore. Just let her be herself, stop trying to make her Jean.

• In other Emma-related news, she's been definitely cast now in X-Men First Class with Alice Eve taking the role. A Google search on her has shown that I definitely could believe her playing a nasty ice queen with drag queen flair. [Source]
• Concerning the absence of this month's Gotham City Sirens, um, really? They made a last minute change from an Ivy arc with Dini to a Catwoman arc with Bedard for a reason that I'm not aware of, and this arc is completely bland. Bedard's stuff is generally bland really, and I'm just excited to see this arc wrap up as soon as possible.
• Remember when I was an ass about the week delay we're having for the next Second Coming chapter? Apparently the delay is due to Mike Choi's grandmother passing, so my bad, apologies to those who were offended by my bitching, I didn't realize.
  
• Be sure to check in next week, there's three books of massive importance coming: X-Force #27, the before last chapter of Second Coming; X-Men #1, the start of vampirepolooza; and most importantly the return of the Young Avengers with Childrens' Crusade.
  

The List #19 part 1

Gotham City Sirens #7
Writer: Paul Dini
Artist: David Lopez
I generally don't like holiday-related specials these days. True, Harley and Ivy's 'Holiday Knights' is one of my favorite Harley and Ivy appearances. But usually the conflict is half-hearted, it's tacky, and somewhere in there all the conflicts are resolved (like Sage magically curing Gambit's blindness in that X-Men holiday issue?). This issue on the other hand restored my faith in this series. It's the second best issue out of the series, with #1 being the best. Anyway, this issue used the holidays as background with diving in the character's motivations being the main objective.

We start off with Selina, she kicks a couple bad guys' ass for the new Batman and meh, it doesn't matter because I only care about the Michelle Pfeiffer Catwoman. Moving on we find Ivy spending her holidays in Central America, at peace with nature and all that. Her spotlight sort of answers a question that's been on my mind ever since I read Batman: Poison Ivy and that is: Why didn't she just go back to a land where she'd be worshipped and at home? And I think the following answer is one that I find believable and something that would make sense:

It makes sense to want to be in a place where there's an actual challenge as opposed to living in a place you already have dominance. Anyway, she goes over this and saves some tourists from being killed by drug dealers.

Back in the U.S., Harley goes to visit her family, something I forgot she probably had especially since I don't recall ever hearing about it being explored. Dini uses her family to explain a lot of her behavior, which is cool and all, but he almost overdid it, as if her entire being is defined by how her family is. Anyway, this starts with Harley coming home and her mom, to put it lightly, grudgingly letting her stay. Turns out Harley's the overachiever of her family, as her dad is a con, her mentally unbalanced mom just seems to be the one who lets all the bullshit slide, and her brother's a bum with kids.

Anyway, we find out what Harley actually gave some of her money to her brother for his kids and himself. The unfortunate part is he's a man and as Mrs. McClusky from Desperate Housewives would say, "Men are genetically incapable of realizing their dreams are stupid." Not that this applies to all, but if you're past 35, your band isn't going to fucking make it. Did anyone else see that episode of Intervention with the guy and his dumb "band" dreams and how they were worse than his meth problem?? Ugh, when I was 17 and I had two friends in a band that actually practiced and they were surrounded by adoring fellow musicians and all I ever heard was their ideas that they'd get discovered in Bangor or some shit. Bangor?! Seriously!? I love having friends in bands, but I hate listening to their illogical plans to hit it big.

Back to Harley, her mother puts up with all her family's B.S. and is just content that Harley's brother isn't a criminal like Harley and her dad so she lets him sit around as much as he wants. It's very obvious the stress of having criminals in the family has gotten to her, and she ends up exploding at one point. Harley also goes to visit her father and during then she explains her motivation for going into Psych:

I find it goes too far in explaining her, but whatever. He fakes having turned over a new leaf, she buys it and explains she's also kept some of her fortune for him and her mom. Then it turns out he's still just as much a con as ever which is the last straw for her putting up with her family. She leaves the house to go back to the hideout and we get a tour of the remodeled version.

Overall, a massive improvement to the previous issues. Like almost all of them. Which is good since I've tried to root for this series since I heard about it, but it's hard to root for good characters being used incorrectly and ignored in their own series. Also, I have to say the spotlight, when not focusing on a male character, too often goes to Harley. Anyway, buy this issue and that's it.

Uncanny X-Men #519
Writer: Matt Fraction
Artist: Terry Dodson
As can be seen in the preview, we start this issue off with another attempt by Fraction to try and be Grant Morrison by mirroring him. In this case, we get the re-intro. of Fantomex, a character I despise for his very forced 'badass' appeal. Seriously, we already have Deadpool, is this character really necessary? In more Fraction isn't Morrison news, Beast ends up saying "Sorry, million miles away" which is you've read Riot at Xavier's, you'll notice that in there too. This copy and paste shit really chaps my ass.

In other news, Scott is possessed by The Void now and everyone's all up in arms. Apparently Fraction's tried to justify this move and it still stinks like shit. How is Cyclops remotely useful to The Void if everyone knows Scott's possessed?! Seriously, with Emma's abilities the Void had the power to erase that fact from everyone. Fraction just does not play things out logically.
Anyway, Scott's possessed and The Void is apparently nothing but black ink that whispers your insecurities to you. Are we really supposed to take that as threatening. Worse yet, Cyclops beats it by using his repression, since he's a man of cimplicated depth and emotion! Seriously, Repression as a weapon? It's not genius, it's bullshit, people, do not be fooled. More interesting was in the event of The Void possibly taking over, we had a backup plan:

Psylocke's ass!
If this happens again, I'm just going to have to make a tag for it.

Anyway, the three boring sub-plots at work this issue: Magneto wants to save the sinking island, tells Namor to go get his peeps, looks like the imminent betrayal is shockingly imminent. That and apparently the Predators had nanobots on them. Oh and Beast is taking a break to go screw around in the probably-going-to-be-cancelled-by-issue-5 new series Sword. Finally, his whining has really done nothing but make me feel unsympathetic and wanting him to be out sooner. Honestly, in a world where Wolverine shrugs torture off every day and Fraction has no idea how to convey depth, I just don't see how anyone can sympathize with Beast and his traumitizedness.

Conclusion: Don't fucking buy this, it's not even funny it's horribleness these days.

What If? Astonishing X-Men
Writer: Jim McCann
Artist: Ibraim Roberson and David Yardin
To start, read this preview first, if you haven't already because it's fabulous and also saves me from having to post three million panels that I like from it. I'd like to say that I almost didn't recognize this version of Emma because it's her written right! And heaven knows we haven't seen that in awhile.

Also, what the fuck is with Jean on the cover? She looks so Bella Swan it's sickening. Stop looking hurt, Marvel's-substitute-for-God! This is definitely a good place to put the story since, A. it definitely was a stated possibility in the "Gifted" arc that the ex-teammate could have been Jean and B. this is when Scott and Emma's open relationship was really fresh. If you recall, in New X-Men we never found out who Scott chose since Jean died. Scott didn't even really go to Emma post-Jean re-death; Jean ended up pushing them together. So Emma's insecurity is totally justified.

The plot continues with the bit of Cassie Nova still in Emma and influencing her into taking the Phoenix out of the Cuckoos. Except seems to me that story happened much later than 'Gifted'. That and I would like to say that I don't think Emma was such a bitch in the older days just because Cassie Nova was up in her shit. Emma Frost is a bitch. Plain, simple, and absolutely unchanging. Anyway, Emma becomes Phoenix and ends up devouring the Breakworld before anything becomes an issue. She also attacks the Breakworld with something other than fire life incarnate:

Cattiness!
Hide your fake Chanel sunglasses, boys and girls, or the Phoenix won't leave you with a shred of your self esteem!

Anyway, Emma returns to Earth and starts a killing spree there while the Astonishing team collects itself. Jean and Emma duke it out, they figure out Cassandra Nova has been influencing Emma and now with the Phoenix, it's barely even Emma now. In the end, it's the same conflict of wanting to save the teammate, but needing to rid the world of the Phoenix, and Kitty is the one who ends it:

Tragedy!!
Thankfully that plain jane bitch, Kitty, was killed in the blast of the Phoenix that followed.

So in the end, the Emma Phoenix killed the Stepford Cuckoos, the Breakworld, Beast, Lockheed, and most thankfully, Kitty. In the end, Wolverine, Scott, and Phoenix, aka the X-Men who are most overused, are left alive for the time being until a big crossover death is needed or a radical writer ends his run. At least we get this last panel that makes this all feel like a horror movie:

Oh, Cassie, youuuuu. Kill away, dear, I hate those pricks' Cyclops and Logan anyway.

The other story about Danger and Ultron hooking up is lame and depressing because the death count is this: All the Runaways, all of Xavier's students, and all the X-Men. And yet another sad Emma death!:

Seriously lamesauce story. And the Say What? is a cheap, unfunny attempt at humor. My conclusion is that you should considering buying this issue for it's first story, but if you were never that wild about Emma Frost in Astonishing, then maybe not so much.

Uncanny X-Men #507

Writer: Matt Fraction
Artist: Terry Dodson
I need to post a review about the latest issue in my comic book pile, Uncanny X-men #507. (I wrote this a month ago, decided it was better for this blog)

For a summary, look it up. Why? Because I'd link one, but can't find one easily so screw it.

To start, overall this issue is actually a sort-of improvement from the last few. The art is standard, Terry Dodson is good but nothing fascinating. They should be using their best, but they settle for fair.

Writing compliments and complaints:

Science club with Beast being its [cheer]leader. Mundane. The manly men who surround Beast and Archangel are so very....mennish. So very mundane. I'm so glad Psylocke is getting stuck with them because she will likely dominate the story. Beast going "OMG ARCHANGELZ AGAIN?!" Absolutely annoying and pointless. In a world that's constantly "changing," you know Beast would be like, "So, how'd this happen again?....Right, right. Ok. Coffee?"

Hisako and Pixie's appearance? Pointless cameos. Much like Karma and Dazzler's. Shouldn't they be used in a way that can't be filled by just anybody?

On the positive side, Madam Mayor was not the annoying tick she usually is. But Cyclops was up to his pseudo-badass ways again so it sort of evened out that good point.

And Colossus. Poor dear, now he's got a tattoo he has to carry in shame, Fraction has marked him for death. Seriously, there are no words that are going to correctly explain my annoyed feelings with Fraction's Colossus.

The end was absolutely mindless. "Erik?" "No. MAGNETO!" ...Oh dear, I hope my subscription runs out before this terribly original arc comes about.

If you have issue with my repetitive feelings on the Fraction issues then complain to Marvel to get him out of the position and put me in.
...What? I guarantee correct use of characters, limited badass moments and when they do occur it won't be to feed my insecurities in my masculinity, no science club, FEMINISM!!! Actual feminism, not a woman saying "WE'RE EQUAL!" for a second and then getting changed into some scraps of costume, and that I will demand better artists.


So we'll talk about my favorite fictional character in the universe. Here is where I am going to scrutinize every detail because I love and know Emma Frost. Know meaning I can tell if she's being written wrong. First, why does Emma just stand in front of the car? Distraction? I doubt it was really needed. Next is "You're never alone" blurb. Emma Frost does not express affection in a very obvious way. She rarely lets her guard down and for the most part her affection is a tidal wave of backhanded compliments. Stop Jeanifying her. Even worse was when she stopped Peter from killing Tattoo man. Emma doesn't care if people like that die. Why? Because she's killed some of them.

I liked seeing her hit people though, Fraction, you do make me happy for this especially since Emma is seen being helpless in Astonishing currently.

Now as for Emma and Shaw's interaction. This is probably the first time I've seen Emma as she really is in quite awhile. I like that she tortured Shaw. I don't like where she chose to concentrate. Sentinels and Genosha? Really? That's more appropriate for Cassie Nova. She worked for him for years. Likely had sex with His Fugliness. He treated her like some whore most of the time. I think Sentinels is way too big a stretch in this case. Still, yay torture from Emma.

And for next issue, I can only imagine what horrible images will come from it via Greg Land's talentless photoshop porn tricks. The finger in the mouth thing is the most ridiculous. Seriously, how horribly objectified must women be? Seriously, Marvel's taking a hit in sales and X-Men are definitely losing top team to the Avenger and one would think that in order to, y'know, MAKE MONEY, Marvel would reappraise their talent. Greg Land is a hated artist. Get. Him. Out. How dumb do you have to be to keep such a crap artist around?

Back Issue: New X-Men #156

Writer: Chuck Austen
Artist: Salvador Larroca
For this bit, I'm going back in time and returning to the very last New X-Men before that team became Astonishing. Now while Chuck Austen has screwed up a lot of things X-Men-wise, I don't consider "Bright New Mourning" to be a mess, just potentially unnecessary.

Basic summary: Emma and the Cuckoos along with mutants and the mayor or owner of the Salem X-Corp are all trapped in said building. Beast and Cyclops argue about how Beast thinks Cyclops is too impulsive and moved on too fast. They go to rescue Emma and Germaine, Mindee's new boyfriend starts a fire to make things worse since the mob outside was breaking in. And he dies. And Emma says to Scott that she's starting a school with or without him. Scott goes to consult Jean's grave and talks about getting things set up to go to Astonishing.

My thoughts are this: I liked this issue because we get to see Emma yell at people a lot and insult them. Not much else happens, the Cuckoos are doing their act of "Miss Frost we don't like you" which is tired. There was an unrealistic moment in there where Cyclops gets shot in the arm and then catches diamond Emma falling three stories. Even at his strongest, catching Emma from that height would likely kill the almighty shit out of his arms.

The art in this issue is crud. Emma has a weird six pack which is yet another portrayal of her in a manly way despite the fact that it's stated often that she is DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. Overall it is kind of awkward and simple and just looks rushed.

Overall: Nothing spectacular. Good if you like hearing Emma bitch up a storm. And to see her bitch at a Storm refer to X-Treme X-Men. I only bought it to sort of complete my New X-Men collection since I'm getting New X-Men Volume 3 and that would make me only need New X-Men Annual 2001 to complete my collection.