Uncanny X-Men #510 Review

Writer: Matt Fraction

Artist: Greg Land

This issue begins with Armor, X-23, and Pixie fleeing from the Sisterhood's attack for their own safety. Meaning Wolverine's lackeys who either reference him by speaking of him or by presence alone all the time. Where the hell's Lackey Idol when you need it? We'll consider Kitty and Jubilee the first two eliminated. Anyway, let's get the position of Logan's lackey down to one X-Tween. It's a recession, we need to cut down on our excesses!

Next we find Emma in the almighty White Hot Room or close enough with Jean Grey. The funny thing about this scene?

I actually think she looks pretty here. But that goes to hell when she gets replaced by the love child of Pam Anderson and Amanda Lepore:

While I was thrilled to see Jean again, I wasn't thrilled to see her naked. Thanks for the female objectification, Greg! Luckily, Jean Grey, much like Barbra Walters, managed a soft glow so she was never truly shown.

The horrible trainwreck that is Fraction trying to write Emma continued when Emma got up and criticized Lady M's costume. FRACTION LOOK OVER HERE:

Since her re-introduction, I've said Lady M is a white trash version of Emma and I did this with their similar tastes in costumes in mind. Lady M's costume is actually better than Emma's old one. It was an eyesore, but it was the price we had to pay for a well-written Emma. That and Emma's practically wearing that costume again considering she's in her bra and panties during the smackdown. All she needs are some knee-high platforms and arm-length arm-warmers and she's back to Morrison era. And here's some gems from Fraction:

I do not understand why writers have to have Emma say shocking things referring to taking a shit since it falls flatter than Emma's original chest. And secondly, FRACTION: JEAN IS MOMMA MUTATION! Emma is Auntie Emma. As in the alcoholic sister to your mom who lives a racy lifestyle that makes it so your mother can only see her twice a year? See how well that fits for Jean as Momma and Emma as Auntie?? Lastly, I can only imagine how many people Carol Danvers is going to beat up for identity theft when she gets back after the Moonstone incident. Anyone who's even just used her name in the bedroom is going to get a super-fist in the face.

Does this confirm Julian's death in an upcoming X-Force? Because it looks like he willed away his personality to Elixir since he didn't have one. And Cuckoos, de-perma smile and stop with the teenage hoe routine! Oh by the way, Land, thanks for lengthening their hair and slimming their waists due to their not being pretty enough. You, sir, truly create healthy and realistic depictions of women.

I hate to say it, but I found these panels absolutely gorgeous. The cackling Empath being my favorite. Well, minus those emergency red lights that confused the fuck out of me the entire issue, what a pointless piece of crap that was.

Recycled image time! A gold star to whoever can tell me where else we've seen this pose.

Now, at this point in time I should mention that Wolverine has been having a pointless battle with mind-controlled Psylocke and most of everyone else is engaged in some form of non-progressive battle. Just because Wolverine is overexposed in comic books doesn't mean he's getting it here, which is why I failed to comment on it until now.

In this instance, Psylocke is taunting Logan by saying she's not afraid to die. Which thanks to shitty Land, looks more like she's saying she's not afraid to take it from behind.

In the final pages of this issue, we find more sexism. This time from Dr. Nemesis where he says something to Wolverine like, 'Wow, I would've loved to see you get your ass kicked by a bunch of women'. And I hope you get fucking killed off, you goddamn misogynist! I'm so pissed he said that and none of the powerful women in there did anything.

The morning after their encounter. I just love having more fuel for the fire that is Wolverine and Cyclops' secret love. Seriously, both of them shirtless on their own page is good material.

And apparently they're talking about the fact that Wolverine had some of Jean's hair, which I'm sure is just the beginning of his hidden shrine to her, and it was stolen by the Sisterhood. I'm thinking this isn't her time to come back. The writers said it would planned out and delicately looked at. This is about as careful as a drunk guy in room full of fine china.

Uncanny X-Men #509 Review

Writer: Matt Fraction

Artist?: Greg Land

This issue begins with the opening scene of Claremont-esque reflection of who the X-Men are and basic ideas about their move to San Fran that've already been established. Meaning timewaster!! To compound on this offense is Greg Land and his perma-smile bullshit. The worst one being the blasted student (Hope Abbott?):

You are in fucking school taking a test, Hope. What could possibly be making you happy enough to smile?
What was almost as bad was the emotionless Cuckoos shown smiling. Aren't you bitches not supposed to feel anything? I mean, I would love that fact retconned, but even before their bullshit diamond hearts they were never ones to be all smiles unless they were being cruel.

Jean Paul's part was a massive disappointment this time around. His grasping for an answer is ridiculous, not only because if he's anything like Pietro then he must have accelerated thinking ability so he'd have some confident answer. Even if accelerated thinking is not in the power set, he'd just be like, "This place needs my fucking hot self." Which by the way, I know Greg Land traced him off some hot model, but damn Northstar is quite sexy.

The freakout among the X-Men over "Prop X" is annoying. Almost as annoying as taking directly from recent events (Prop 8) and pasting them into a comic book. To me it looks like someone's run out of ideas.

Pixie's "badass" Danger Room fight was such a horrible move. Seriously Pixie, you have received the shortest end of the stick in going from a background character who was extremely likeable to an attempt at a sex symbol who is unremarkable and Logans' new sidekick. And apparently is 18 now (more on that later)?

Beast's science club: A wasted page of pointless banter. Then finally an idea of what's going on.

And then Sisterhood time where this time the recap was needed. Psylocke's history actually is important to what's going on and she's been banished to obscurity for awhile. Then the Sisterhood spaz out because heaven forbid delayed gratification happen.

Again, attack of the perma-smiles. Why are you bitches smiling?! She's just laying down the scene, no smiles necessary! Not only that, it's a good thing Maddie's a ghost because that fucking waist is impossible. almost as impossible as those boobs. I think Greg Land should be cursed with a rack that size and see how impossible it is to do anything when your back always hurts. Seriously Greg, average-sized boobs are more than fine.

The part where Northstar, Dazzler, and Pixie walk in drunk needs a lot of addressing. First off, Pixie, get some better taste in men. Scott Summers is the most plain X-Man of all. And as much as I really don't want to talk about her any longer, there's the instance of this:

Last we checked in, a year ago I think, Pixie was 15. You can't tell me she just aged 3 years while the rest of her class is more or less the same age or maybe just one year older. I'm not sure drinking age in Wales, but Canada is 19 right now. And if Jean Paul is truly Quebecois, then he's probably going off Quebec's law and that would be 18. Did we really just see Pixie get aged 3 years just so Land's pornifying of her is less of a problem?? On to other topics...

You're kidding right? A relationship built on an affair between an intensely manipulative woman and a manchild? Fraction, if you haven't forgotten, Jean's DEAD. Emma's not a clone of Jean. And the relationship between Scott and Emma is likely intensely dysfunctional and I think odds are good that they would be broken up by now if writers didn't think Cyclops being single would be a sin.

Thanks heavens before the discussion can get any worse, the Sisterhood attacks with Chimera pissed over no one knowing who she is. Chimera, even I had to look you up when you were introduced in Uncanny, you are as obscure as they fucking come.

The end of the issue reveals Logan to be the one Maddy wants. More Wolverine spotlight time? Seriously? He's one of the most over exposed characters ever. His popularity is going to run out if things don't lessen especially since quantity is taking over quality in a big way right now.

In summary, I felt like I had very little to say because Fraction disappointed by slipping back to mediocre.