Comic Book Releases Briefly: 9/1/10 and 9/9/10

Apologies for being absent for the past two weeks, but I just started college again so my life has been a bit hectic lately. If you find yourself going through bitchy withdrawls, just know that I've also got a [Tumblr] that you can go to for second helpings of snarkery.

Anyway, it seems my absence couldn't be more perfectly timed as it seems not a lot happened in comic book land while I was gone. Here's a brief look at what I thought of the books I would normally have reviewed:

Avengers: The Childrens Crusade #2
Writer: Allan Heinberg
Artist: Jim Cheung
The only book that I was really looking forward to reviewing, but in the end it's fine because I had little to say about it anyway. Not as good as the first issue, but still amazingly satisfying for me. Seriously, if this book needs to be on a bi-monthly schedule in order to produce a quality product like it has then I'm all for it.

One thing I found shocking was that they actually had Quicksilver and Speed meet up. I've always thought of Speed as the massive ripoff in the room, and I assumed that Quicksilver and him could never meet just because Speed is nearly identical to him. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Heinberg's YA, but let's be honest: Speed is basically a young Quicksilver and was probably just hastily created so that the Scarlet Witch plotline could be introduced. Anyway, this was definitely the best release of the past two weeks and I recommend you all pick it up.

Scarlet #2
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Artist: Alex Maleev
One word summary: Mediocre.
Scarlet's view on the world, despite being justified by her experience, still sounds like Hot Topic brand whining about how 'the world is full of shit'. And it's this attitude plus her overconfidence in what she 'knows' about the world despite being 17 that turned me off from this issue.

However, as dull and whiny as it was, I thought [this fucking bullshit] with the shop owner ripping up an issue of Scarlet was ridiculous. Seriously, guy? Thanks for helping along the stereotype that comic book fans are emotionally stunted adults. It's not even that bad of a fucking book, and even if it were, it's not connected to any other books or drawing from any other continuity. Scarlet's not even set in any real universe that matters! This book couldn't be easier to avoid if you don't like it.
I just find this to be such an obnoxious, childish act of disrespect, and that's coming from someone who writes bitchy comic book reviews for the hell of it.

X-Men #3
Writer: Victor Gischler
Artist: Paco Medina
Despite the pressure to do something remarkable considering the current state of vampire fatigue, this series so far has decided to reuse all the typical vampire dialogue/plot moves/everything. Also, despite the pressure of being a new X-Book with no established difference from Uncanny, this series has decided to reuse all the same X-Men dialogue/plot moves/everything. Seriously, using one of Wolverine's sidekicks to lure him into a situation? And worst of all, deeming Wolverine 'the most powerful X-Man' and having him converted to their side. Isn't that the subject of every other X-Related story? Also, what the fuck on Wolverine being the most powerful/useful X-Man? Yeah, because claws and a healing factor are so much more useful than top-tier psychic powers, full control of the elements, or a control of ice that makes the user nearly unkillable. This is the sort of shit logic that happens when you let obssessive fanboys write the books. Anyway, don't waste your spare bucks on this regurgitated storyline.

New Avengers #4
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Artist: Stuart Immomen
This issue is pretty unremarkable. At least Daimon Hellstrom still has no idea what a shirt is.

Batgirl #14
Writer: Bryan Q Miller
Artist: Lee Garbett
I was so bored I couldn't even finish it, and it's rare that I put down anything that I started reading, least of all a comic book. I think this issue marks the end for me and Batgirl, especially since my favorite character, Oracle, is now getting pushed out of the series.

Lastly, poll results time!
Unsurprisingly, Psylocke and Archangel won this poll with 15 votes which is expected considering they're the only couple on this list that now has confirmation to be pairing up officially. Also, it's Psylocke and I know that a lot of you here love her.

Namor and Emma came in second place with 12 votes.....yeah, wasn't expecting that. It seems we see things a little different, my readers, considering I loathe the idea of Emma being with another manchild, but it's ok, we can love each other for our differences. Anyway, moving onto my favorite couple...

Danger and Box came in third with 6 votes, one of them being mine, and I'm surprised they didn't at least get second considering how magnetic a pairing they are. Yes, I know, cheesy robot puns, I'll stop. Lastly, everyone else got one vote. And that's the poll, thanks for voting and please do go vote on the newest one.

The List #30 + News

Uncanny X-Men #525
Writer: Matt Fraction
Artist: Terry Dodson
This issue the writer is Fraction, the artist is Dodson (who only works on a teen series), the Fantastic Four, the super hero team I hate the most, guest appears, and Fraction's mouthpieces for his "badass" factor (Dr. Nemesis and Fantomex) are featured. Wonderful.

So we pick up this issue with Hope raging at Cyclops over sending X-Force to their deaths. Her eyes turn red, and ugh, can someone kill her already? I don't care if she's the messiah, she's a worse angst parade than Dawn Summers from Buffy.

On the outside of the bubble is the science team and the Avengers, who are joined by the Fantastic Four with The Thing spouting his annoying bullshit. Please someone kill him, shoot him off in a bullet, resurrect The Sentry to have him tear him in half. Something. Anyway, they can't break the bubble either. And Dr. Nemesis sets the "serious" tone this issue by telling us the X-Men will die if they can't get in and that there's only a couple hours left. Except he kept repeating it, it's worse than a cycle of America's Next Top Model. Seriously, Fraction and Tyra Banks repeat themselves so often it's like they're 10-second Tom from 50 First Dates.

Meanwhile, there's a battle scene, Storm's powers are limited to lightning, Surge is running around going "OMIGOD" X 30 to irk those of us who were holding out on hating her, Psylocke and Iceman kick some ass, and Fantomex snarks on the Watchmen movie...even though he's decidedly less than that movie considering he only serves to pump up Fraction's fanboy wank cast.

Concerning X-Force, they go to the future to find out and find out that everyone's dead and freak out about it. Uh, so? Aren't you guys dead in every future? Then they come up with the plan to kill everything in this future which was basically established last chapter. See the 10-second Tom thing?

In the end, Cyclops sends Rogue to take care of Angsty Hope, and Professor X to go get Legion which is damned exciting because Legion could be very badass as an X-Man. And that's it. Conclusion: Buying this issue might cause a number of problems including: headache, migraine, severe frustration, tension in every fiber of your being, and severe confusion on how this shit sells.

Batgirl #11
Writer: Bryan Q. Miller
Artist: Lee Garber and Pere Perez
On a much more positive note, this month's Batgirl was pretty decent. It opens with Oracle in a dream illusion thanks to the metal mummy she's been put into. In this illusion she can walk again, her life is generally ideal, but most of all she wakes up to shirtless Nightwing--->

Uh wrong, Babs, waking up to a shirtless Nightwing is only too right. Seriously, if it upsets you that much, we can trade places, I am willing to do that for you.

In the illusion, Babs has a fake family dinner with the male Robins and her dad when she finally realizes what's wrong by opening her curtains to see what's really going on. Her reaction is priceless:

It's ok, I break out into splits whenever I realize something too.

Her body's taken to Calculator's HQ where he decides not to kill her right away because he wants to download all of what she knows considering her minds a valuable resource. He plugs into her to find that she's got mental blocks, and that she's pissed to see him. A fight ensues and ORacle manages to break them from her mind into Calculator's.

Back with Batgirl, she's got her hands full with possessed Catwoman and Huntress. She's also got Wendy Harris, Calculator's daughter, subbing for Oracle, which I imagine is "fun" considering I find the character completely unlikable despite my trying to give her a chance. Stephanie takes to the sewers to get away from the battle only to find Man-Bat waiting for her. Her only option: Ride him.

The imaginary conversation she has with him during her attempt to get him to fly to safety is probably the best part of this issue. In the end she lands at an airport with Wendy showing up to aid her. The issue ends with Wendy flying Stephanie over Calculator's lair, and Stephanie jumping down into the concluding fight scene next issue.

And now for some news:

• For those of you wondering, I will not be reviewing the X-Men Second Coming: Hellbound mini-series. It's too dull for me to handle.
  

• I also will not be covering the Heralds mini-series, but that's due to lack of enough things to say. However, I do have to mention that Immomen's probably at her most bearable here, and also that she's got a good grasp on how to write Emma. I mean, it's still So-In-Love Emma, but she's at least still got her nasty streak here. And finally, I adore this panel:

• In the X-Men First Class movie news, Rosamund Pike may get the role of Emma Frost. Which is weak considering she does not seem to have a bitchface whatsoever, and what's worse is this version of Emma may be just a teacher. Which would be so lame, remember her Ultimate X-Men counterpart and how much "fun" she was? Emma would function better as a student. [Source]

• There's a new poll up, so go on and vote (it's not limited to who's actually alive right now to take the position considering the Jean option). And in terms of the last poll the question was "Who was your favorite Dark Avenger?" which received 17 votes. Moonstone killed this poll, receiving 12 of the votes (70%) with Ares and The Sentry tying for second place with 2 votes each (11%). Bullseye ended up with 1 vote (5%) and Iron Patriot, Venom, Daken, and Noh-Varr all ended up with 0 votes (0%).
  

• Finally, did anyone else see Domino on the cover of this month's Deadpool: Wade Wilson's War #1? What is up with her Kate Gosselin hair? Is Wade Wilson's War about the difficulties of raising eight kids? Or does this hair now empower Dom to simultaneously snap her gum and rolls her eyes? Either way I think this look should stick, Domino with Kate Gosselin hair would be a treasure chest of comedy just waiting to be opened. [Source]

The List #28 Part 1

Batgirl #10
Writer: Bryan Q. Miller
Artist: Lee Garbett & Pere Perez
A series that I've been getting into pretty recently is Batgirl. Especially because I'm tired of wishing Marvel would use their females better. I find female-as-sides-not-stars extremely depressing because what brought me to comic books are the amazing female characters. So obviously, I'm out on the search for more currently.

Anyway, the force behind Batgirl is the duo made up of Stephanie Brown (Batgirl, formerly Spoiler and Robin) and Barbara Gordon (Oracle, formerly the first Batgirl). Oracle's appeal to me is that she's a lot like an older Gert Yorkes (who was my favorite Runaway), so she's got a lot of the same sort of calm sarcasm and irritability that sometimes comes with being intelligent. Stephanie's appeal is probably both her strongest and weakest quality: She's Buffy Summers. I'm sorry for those of you who have read her for years and vehemently disagree. But after one issue, I could not shake the idea that this klutzy, blonde underdog is almost exactly like Buffy. It's not necessarily a bad thing, Buffy was a massively popular character, but it's just at times it seems Stephanie's awkward factor seems too forced. Anyway, onto the issue.

This arc's villain is Calculator, who's after Oracle for taking his daughter away from him. So he's planning on a little revenge. In a lair. Chillin' as villain's do. With his son. His son who's a corpse. Yeah, so he comes with standard villain insanity. And apparently his plan to get back at Oracle involves a pulse of some sort.

Meanwhile Oracle and Batgirl are discussing Calculator over their Bat-headsets or whatever while Batgirl is saving some hoes from some guys on bikes. Or at least they're dressed up like hoes. As Batgirl's leaving she tells them to, "Stay in school,".....'cause it's the best. (Too much Peaches on my playlist)

Next scene is Detective Gage coming to Oracle's assistant professor office, looking for her because apparently she's his only friend in town. Which is kind of sweet and makes him more appealing. Anyway, Stephanie shows up and awkwardly tries to feel out whether or not Gage is aware she's Batgirl. He's not and he finds her "oddly personal". I found her very Buffy-ish.

Meanwhile, Wendy, Calculator's daughter, is lured into Oracle's base of operations and locked in there for her own protection. Also, can we all take a moment to appreciate the amazingness of Oracle's icon? Seriously, it's so creepy, yet also appealing.

So Calculator releases his pulse and apparently what it does is turns anyone who's near technology and sees Oracle in anything, real life or a picture, into a zombie that goes after her. Oh no! Not zombies again! What comic books needs right now is the Scarlet Witch to return and utter the words, "No more Zombies...or Vampires....and fuck off, if you're thinking about turning to Werewolves."

While this occurs, Oracle is teaching a class where her students just so happen to be.... texting behind her back! Not shocking, but what's shocking is what they're texting back and forth about her. It's not to say she can't be hot so much as I've never taken Barbara Gordon to be one of the "sexy" DC superheroes, before or after The Killing Joke. Possibly I'm wrong? Whatever, her costume didn't come with a boob window, so I figure they weren't trying to sex symbolize her.

So anyway, her class and many people surrounding turn into a tide of Zomb which Barbara has to fight off. Which is always fun to see her kick some ass since it seems she's often just sitting at a computer desk. Batgirl comes to help out, but they end up getting caught in hte river of zomb. Oracle is caught by the zombies, that include her father Commissioner Gordon, and they all vomit some sort of casing on her. And in the last few pages, it turns out more than just random people. Apparently Catwoman, Huntress, and Man-Bat were affected by the pulse. And that leaves me excited for next month's fight scene! Conclusion, this issue was sort of awkward considering the rest of the run so far, but not entirely unbuyable.

Dark Avengers #16
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Artist: Mike Deodato
Unfortunately friends, we've now come to the last issue of the series. And it's sad to see the series go, but in all honesty it seems the series lost steam after issue #6. Everything else has sort of felt like a little directionless, especially recently, with this one being no different. But there is a reason to rejoice: The Sentry's dead!! About damned time, even though he took Rogue down a notch when he fell [Here]. Was that really necessary? As if we weren't already still trying to dig Rogue out of yet another hole after MC.

Anyway, Post-Siege Osborn and his bunch is taken prisoner by the Avengers. Moonstone and Bullseye attempt to break out, even taking care of Ms. Marvel and Bucky's attempts to stop them. But then Iron Man and Luke Cage smack both of them down. And that's it for those two, until the next Thunderbolts (which you can expect to see discussed here). Well, actually I have no idea what's happening to Bullseye or Venom, but here's hoping they replace some of Luke Cage's losers (not a fan of Juggernaut).

Daken manages to evade capture and is hiding out from some army guys who are telling all the Hammer guys what's about to go down. And one of their lines was just too Pokemon for me to handle, so I edited it to what he probably really wanted to say. Seriously, even just "Surrender now, or" would probably make anyone who lived in the late 90's think of that line. Anyway, Daken escapes by chucking some grenades and driving away from an explosion into a title I will never read. Good riddance, I'm so tired of "I don't care, I'm just so badass," characters.

Concerning Ares' death, Thor presents Phobos with Ares' axe and helmet, offering to take him up to Mount Olympus to meet his people. He turns down the offer, and meh, it's all kind of sad because I loved Ares. He's one of the few male characters that I actually like and would read a title for.

Meanwhile, Victoria Hand is having a serious sit-down with Captain America. She explains that she was taken in by Osborn's charisma and goals and tried her best to steer him away from a meltdown but failed. Captain America takes this in, and then tells her she's getting a promotion rather than jailing it. How about that, I thought she was for sure dead by the end of Siege.

Lastly is Osborn, who's now imprisoned in a hxc way. We find him having a conversation with someone off-panel about how he was right, that someday just one thing is going to go wrong with the superheroes and the entire world is going to be screwed by it. Which is a very realistic possibility, and this speech takes the reader in very easily and reminds us of what a persuasive guy Osborn is, so much so that you probably find yourself rooting for him. The issue ends with the off-panel person being the Green Goblin persona saying Norman's stuck with him. And that's the end of the Dark Avengers. Conclusion: If you've been buying all the others, be sure to get this one.