The List #23 part 2

Uncanny X-Men #521
Writer: Matt Fraction
Artist: Greg Land
This issue begins with Magneto meditating on the mountain and Scott and Emma coming up to check up on him and just be nosy. Also, it's not like they having anything better to do like say run Dystopia. A really weird thing happens when Emma realizes she's shut out of Magneto's mind: she gets a really unnecessarily angry face courtesy of Land.

Back at the fight scene between the X-Men and the predictably defeatable team we see some really idiotic crap. Like Psylocke being surprised that the invisible enemy also is invisible to her telepathy. Uh, Betsy, she's still got her gloves on, it's not that hard to figure out. And in a 'shocking' turn of events, Fantomex comes to save the day. I will be even MORE 'shocked' if he joins the X-Men (which was hinted at the end of this issue). Ugh, Fraction's attempt at making his wet dream of a team is really on my last nerve. Carey will you please replace him? Also during the fight scene and the entire issue really is awkward panels/dialogue:

The reason why I show these two panels is that they would have looked better this way or something like it. Instead the first one was at the bottom of the first page and the other one at the top of the second, causing a wtf pause in between. And awkward things like this run rampant throughout the issue.

Land definitely did not help the confusion, although he did laughably try to draw an outstretched hand. Which looked more like a nub with long sausages on it.

In the end, the predictably losing team loses. But not before Brain Child (or whoever the leader is) releases HX-N1, a new strand of influenza for mutants that sounds nothing like copying and pasting the swine flu story into X-terms! Someone deprive Fraction of the Internet please. Before he turns Dazzler into Lady DazDaz and the next big storyline is whether or not Diva has a peen or a vag.

In reaction to the virus being released, EVA goes into Squid Mode and swallows the X-Men in order to protect them. Yeah, I loved it for all the wrong reasons too. Anddd just in case you didn't think Fraction was trying to be Morrison already, apparently the source of the defeatable team and the disease is none other than John Sublime. Bets on when Cassie Nova's going to make a comeback? Logan's response was worse than the revelation actually:

Isn't that the case for half of the X-Villains?? Anyway, in the end it turns out the now perpetually weak Magneto, who you may recall as being severely weakened by the Predator attack (which Fraction seems to have forgot in his explanation on CBR's X-Position) is bringing Kitty back from the depths of space. Yeah, rather than bitch up a storm about how none of this makes sense, I'm just going to take the stoner way and accept it for what it is: A campy take on the X-Men.

Whatever, I hate Kitty, next issue is all about her comeback, andddd my conclusion is don't buy this issue.

Joe the Barbarian #2
Writer: Grant Morrison
Artist: Sean Murphy
A big reason why I'm including this series is it just so happens to take place (well, when Joe's taken his insulin) in Portland, Maine which is about where I live and a place I enjoy greatly. Also because I love Morrison, the man could take a turn for the worst and start Claremont-ing it up and I would still have supreme respect for him for making Emma what she was in New X-Men.

But honestly, this series really isn't about Morrison. His writing is really more background. For this mini-series, the artist Sean Murphy is the star and rightly so because he is astonishingly talented. Also, do acquaint yourself with his Deviant Art blog. In there is probably one of the most dead-on posts I have ever read in the world and it includes this:

I’ve always struggled with drawing women because I refuse to draw the normal “big tits/small-waist/cookie-cutter” types that you see in some mainstream comics. And if I have to draw one, I’ll struggle to make it look more like an actual life drawing of a REAL female body rather than a rip-off of a million poorly drawn women in comics. I'm not always successful, to I feel like I do try. In my opinion, drawing cookie-cutter bodies of anatomically impossible proportions does three things:
1. It makes our industry look juvenile—like a bunch of giggly kids doodling big tits in our notebooks during 3rd period.
2. It’s an insult to the female reader. Which is probably one of many reasons why they usually don’t read mainstream books.
3. It makes the artist look like an uncreative dumb-fuck who doesn’t take pride in noticing how different female bodies types are. Usually because he doesn’t know or understand women (nor does he care to try). And he’ll usually get away with it because most of the women he meets are at cons where he doesn’t have to make any effort.

For this, I'm pretty sure Sean Murphy could draw Emma Frost as a complete man and I would forgive him. Seriously, one of the best comments ever, go read the rest of the post here.

Moving on, last issue was about setting things up, and it was appropriately priced at $1 since it was a bit slower paced. The series so far basically revolves around a diabetic boy who's hallucinating because he hasn't taken his insulin in awhile. I know I just made it sound lame, but there's more to it, the hallucinations make an interesting story about his toys and rat being under attack and what not.

Murphy's landscapes look amazing in this issue, the one featuring the toy town thing Jack was being held in looked very reminiscent of one of the towns in Midgar from Final Fantasy 7 and his grassy settings on the side of the mountain remind me quite a bit of Digimon World 1. Both things I played around Joe's age (assuming he's 12) so Murphy makes things age appropriate. Rather than anyone who's written Molly Hayes from Runaways since Vaughan who seems to think being five years old and thirteen are the same thing.

Basically the plot this issue is Joe rescuing his pet rat, Jack, and escaping from the villain team (deathcoats I think?) and Joe also having a vision from "Lord Arc" who looks like a sun, telling him he'd better not f#@$ it up or Lord Death will be on him. Like I said, the storie's really not so much the focus as Murphy's art is, and yes it is worth the buy.

Conclusion, go out and buy both issues 1 and 2 this instant. They only cost $3.99 together which is like what you've been paying for a subpar Marvel book these days, so get out some cash for two issues that would be worth pricing $2.99 each.

Oh and before I go, I have to make one last complaint, it concerns the Women of Marvel variants:

Exactly why did they have to use the mohawk Storm variant (my FAVORITE version of Storm) on something as forgettable and insignificant as Doomwar?

The List #19 part 1

Gotham City Sirens #7
Writer: Paul Dini
Artist: David Lopez
I generally don't like holiday-related specials these days. True, Harley and Ivy's 'Holiday Knights' is one of my favorite Harley and Ivy appearances. But usually the conflict is half-hearted, it's tacky, and somewhere in there all the conflicts are resolved (like Sage magically curing Gambit's blindness in that X-Men holiday issue?). This issue on the other hand restored my faith in this series. It's the second best issue out of the series, with #1 being the best. Anyway, this issue used the holidays as background with diving in the character's motivations being the main objective.

We start off with Selina, she kicks a couple bad guys' ass for the new Batman and meh, it doesn't matter because I only care about the Michelle Pfeiffer Catwoman. Moving on we find Ivy spending her holidays in Central America, at peace with nature and all that. Her spotlight sort of answers a question that's been on my mind ever since I read Batman: Poison Ivy and that is: Why didn't she just go back to a land where she'd be worshipped and at home? And I think the following answer is one that I find believable and something that would make sense:

It makes sense to want to be in a place where there's an actual challenge as opposed to living in a place you already have dominance. Anyway, she goes over this and saves some tourists from being killed by drug dealers.

Back in the U.S., Harley goes to visit her family, something I forgot she probably had especially since I don't recall ever hearing about it being explored. Dini uses her family to explain a lot of her behavior, which is cool and all, but he almost overdid it, as if her entire being is defined by how her family is. Anyway, this starts with Harley coming home and her mom, to put it lightly, grudgingly letting her stay. Turns out Harley's the overachiever of her family, as her dad is a con, her mentally unbalanced mom just seems to be the one who lets all the bullshit slide, and her brother's a bum with kids.

Anyway, we find out what Harley actually gave some of her money to her brother for his kids and himself. The unfortunate part is he's a man and as Mrs. McClusky from Desperate Housewives would say, "Men are genetically incapable of realizing their dreams are stupid." Not that this applies to all, but if you're past 35, your band isn't going to fucking make it. Did anyone else see that episode of Intervention with the guy and his dumb "band" dreams and how they were worse than his meth problem?? Ugh, when I was 17 and I had two friends in a band that actually practiced and they were surrounded by adoring fellow musicians and all I ever heard was their ideas that they'd get discovered in Bangor or some shit. Bangor?! Seriously!? I love having friends in bands, but I hate listening to their illogical plans to hit it big.

Back to Harley, her mother puts up with all her family's B.S. and is just content that Harley's brother isn't a criminal like Harley and her dad so she lets him sit around as much as he wants. It's very obvious the stress of having criminals in the family has gotten to her, and she ends up exploding at one point. Harley also goes to visit her father and during then she explains her motivation for going into Psych:

I find it goes too far in explaining her, but whatever. He fakes having turned over a new leaf, she buys it and explains she's also kept some of her fortune for him and her mom. Then it turns out he's still just as much a con as ever which is the last straw for her putting up with her family. She leaves the house to go back to the hideout and we get a tour of the remodeled version.

Overall, a massive improvement to the previous issues. Like almost all of them. Which is good since I've tried to root for this series since I heard about it, but it's hard to root for good characters being used incorrectly and ignored in their own series. Also, I have to say the spotlight, when not focusing on a male character, too often goes to Harley. Anyway, buy this issue and that's it.

Uncanny X-Men #519
Writer: Matt Fraction
Artist: Terry Dodson
As can be seen in the preview, we start this issue off with another attempt by Fraction to try and be Grant Morrison by mirroring him. In this case, we get the re-intro. of Fantomex, a character I despise for his very forced 'badass' appeal. Seriously, we already have Deadpool, is this character really necessary? In more Fraction isn't Morrison news, Beast ends up saying "Sorry, million miles away" which is you've read Riot at Xavier's, you'll notice that in there too. This copy and paste shit really chaps my ass.

In other news, Scott is possessed by The Void now and everyone's all up in arms. Apparently Fraction's tried to justify this move and it still stinks like shit. How is Cyclops remotely useful to The Void if everyone knows Scott's possessed?! Seriously, with Emma's abilities the Void had the power to erase that fact from everyone. Fraction just does not play things out logically.
Anyway, Scott's possessed and The Void is apparently nothing but black ink that whispers your insecurities to you. Are we really supposed to take that as threatening. Worse yet, Cyclops beats it by using his repression, since he's a man of cimplicated depth and emotion! Seriously, Repression as a weapon? It's not genius, it's bullshit, people, do not be fooled. More interesting was in the event of The Void possibly taking over, we had a backup plan:

Psylocke's ass!
If this happens again, I'm just going to have to make a tag for it.

Anyway, the three boring sub-plots at work this issue: Magneto wants to save the sinking island, tells Namor to go get his peeps, looks like the imminent betrayal is shockingly imminent. That and apparently the Predators had nanobots on them. Oh and Beast is taking a break to go screw around in the probably-going-to-be-cancelled-by-issue-5 new series Sword. Finally, his whining has really done nothing but make me feel unsympathetic and wanting him to be out sooner. Honestly, in a world where Wolverine shrugs torture off every day and Fraction has no idea how to convey depth, I just don't see how anyone can sympathize with Beast and his traumitizedness.

Conclusion: Don't fucking buy this, it's not even funny it's horribleness these days.

What If? Astonishing X-Men
Writer: Jim McCann
Artist: Ibraim Roberson and David Yardin
To start, read this preview first, if you haven't already because it's fabulous and also saves me from having to post three million panels that I like from it. I'd like to say that I almost didn't recognize this version of Emma because it's her written right! And heaven knows we haven't seen that in awhile.

Also, what the fuck is with Jean on the cover? She looks so Bella Swan it's sickening. Stop looking hurt, Marvel's-substitute-for-God! This is definitely a good place to put the story since, A. it definitely was a stated possibility in the "Gifted" arc that the ex-teammate could have been Jean and B. this is when Scott and Emma's open relationship was really fresh. If you recall, in New X-Men we never found out who Scott chose since Jean died. Scott didn't even really go to Emma post-Jean re-death; Jean ended up pushing them together. So Emma's insecurity is totally justified.

The plot continues with the bit of Cassie Nova still in Emma and influencing her into taking the Phoenix out of the Cuckoos. Except seems to me that story happened much later than 'Gifted'. That and I would like to say that I don't think Emma was such a bitch in the older days just because Cassie Nova was up in her shit. Emma Frost is a bitch. Plain, simple, and absolutely unchanging. Anyway, Emma becomes Phoenix and ends up devouring the Breakworld before anything becomes an issue. She also attacks the Breakworld with something other than fire life incarnate:

Cattiness!
Hide your fake Chanel sunglasses, boys and girls, or the Phoenix won't leave you with a shred of your self esteem!

Anyway, Emma returns to Earth and starts a killing spree there while the Astonishing team collects itself. Jean and Emma duke it out, they figure out Cassandra Nova has been influencing Emma and now with the Phoenix, it's barely even Emma now. In the end, it's the same conflict of wanting to save the teammate, but needing to rid the world of the Phoenix, and Kitty is the one who ends it:

Tragedy!!
Thankfully that plain jane bitch, Kitty, was killed in the blast of the Phoenix that followed.

So in the end, the Emma Phoenix killed the Stepford Cuckoos, the Breakworld, Beast, Lockheed, and most thankfully, Kitty. In the end, Wolverine, Scott, and Phoenix, aka the X-Men who are most overused, are left alive for the time being until a big crossover death is needed or a radical writer ends his run. At least we get this last panel that makes this all feel like a horror movie:

Oh, Cassie, youuuuu. Kill away, dear, I hate those pricks' Cyclops and Logan anyway.

The other story about Danger and Ultron hooking up is lame and depressing because the death count is this: All the Runaways, all of Xavier's students, and all the X-Men. And yet another sad Emma death!:

Seriously lamesauce story. And the Say What? is a cheap, unfunny attempt at humor. My conclusion is that you should considering buying this issue for it's first story, but if you were never that wild about Emma Frost in Astonishing, then maybe not so much.