The List #19 part 2

X-Men Legacy #231
Writer: Mike Carey
Artist: Clay Mann
First off, let's give some major love to another of my artist crushes Adi Granov, who I believe should draw every panel Emma is ever in. The cover is gorgeous and Psylocke looks amazing. Concerning this issue's artist, Clay Mann, I have to say I think he's pretty solid except for making half the girl's hair look like they're always in the humid tropical rainforest.

This issue opens with the Necrosha battle scene, Maggott cameo queens it for the undead, Blindfold comes up to Cyclops is like, "Bro, we gots to go check this shiznit out at Muir Island," of course communicating in Bro-speak so that it's guaranteed that Cyclops understands. There's a little hinting about Blindfold's mom throughout the issue, which is probably some sort of attempt at making the character less of one that's only used when the plot needs a precog and then put back in her box afterwards.

It's decided that Nightcrawler should lead a team consisting of Rogue, Magneto, Trance, Blindfold, my girl Psylocke, Colossus, and my much-missed Gen X-er, Husk. During the jet ride we get a couple revealing moments:

Trance yet again is giving sass.

Yet another demonstration of Trance being a total bitch. Trance, I love you, you weird, homophobic, test-loving bitch. By the way, she now has a tag under 'that bitch Trance' for any of you would like to see her other moments. Moving on to stranger things:

As if 'entertaining pleasant memories of our time together' wasn't already perve talk for 'I think of you when I give my dick an extended handshake,' considering the way his hands are positioned in the above panel it appears he's already entertaining these memories. On the jet! Trance, degrade him in order to help your low self esteem already! No, but seriously. Hands. IN weird places.

The plane lands and Carey proves himself to write an actually likable Nightcrawler. Who's team leader and ready to be a sarcastic diva apparently. I'd just like to say if the criteria for team leader was a sarcastic teleporter who's a total diva, I'd have to say I think my girl Ariel would have been better suited for the position. While scanning the island for threats, Colossus sort of becomes the instrument through which Psylocke fans speak through and asks Betsy a question concerning how she's using her powers lately. I think the results make a good page (Click here for it). Also, can we all take a big healthy glance at the caption given for Betsy's response. "SHOWWW!!!!!" Couldn't be a more appropriate verb for her demonstrating she can still use her telekinesis I guess, haha. No, I really do enjoy this, if I ever enter the super hero world, I want my captions to read "Ka-bam!" and "Sham-Wow!"

In other places in time, there's some boring Selene crap going on. It's a dose of boring with goth lingerie. Is she really supposed to be becoming respected as much as Emma? Is that the goal for her? Because if it is, I can comfortably say this is unlikely to happen and I'm not impressed. Anyway, what's important is in the panel of Selene's inner circle we find my boyfriend Warpath being taken prisoner and being dragged in most sexily! Seriously, is there a more hot way to be dragged unconscious? Anyway, we'll find out why he's been captured next X-Force. Along with his unwilling participation in S+M at the hands of dominatrix queen Selene. Or at least I wish.

Epic two panels of loveeeee.

Anyway, so the team finishes up scanning the island, reaches the source of their mission. We find out the almighty shocker is that Proteus is back and he possesses Blindfold. Not all that shocking and most people seem to have seen that coming. BUT I can guarantee that there was still an end of issue shocker, just not what anyone was expecting! All right so here it is. Look at the panel to the right, at Colossus' back. Now trail those eyes downward. Yeah. How long has Colossus been walking around with a fucking easy access hole? Can someone confirm or deny whether or not that's an original part of the costume? Also, does this confirm the 616 pairing of Northstar and Colossus that we'd all been hoping for? Just with unexpected bedroom positions? Either way, this issue was fun on it's own without my snarky help, definitely go buy it.

Spider-Woman #4
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Artist: Alex Maleev
To start off, I have to side with The Buy Pile on their thoughts on this past issue at the very least. This past issue worked loads better as a motion comic as opposed to the book and I think the biggest reason why is because the progress was very limited. Viper brings Jessica to a cell with a weakened Skrull in it. She talks with it for 2.5, philosophizes on it, fights it, and breaks out of the Hydra base. Not exactly bursting with progress. I still think it's worth buying, the book is beautiful, but it's a difference of good and great with the book and the motion comic. Also, I have to say Maleev's work this past issue was gorgeous. The colors are amazing, it's like an acid trip when the Northern Lights are out (it's a compliment).

New Mutants #8
Writer: Zeb Wells
Artist: Diogenes Neves
Whereas I agree with The Buy Pile about Spider-Woman, I think their last thought on New Mutants was totally unfair. This book is one of the better written X-Books lately. It actually has gotten me a bit excited as compared to half the others that I can find good things to say about and enjoy, but I'm not excited by. Whatever, The Buy Pile sometimes says some things that I find are dead-on, but generally I think their list is fucked and just goes to support whichever superdude's being most aggressively masculine and acting "correctly manly" this week. Oh hegemonic males, how you absolutely keep me in... gripping...entertainment....zzz.

As much as I just spent time defending this series, I have to say I think this issue is a piece of crap. I mean, I like this whole buildup of Feral coming to attack the team. Unfortunately that was built up for an anti-climax, but it did follow the theme of disappointment this issue. This issue is like save Amara, fight Hellions, save Doug, throw a yo out to Warlock, and wrap this up.

Most irksome of all, I found Dr. Gregory House....I mean Nemesis, to say something I found funny for once. This was in response to Sunspot bursting into the med ward and being all "We need help!" He was almost Emma-like in response, I have to say. I'd be wishing him death normally for this, but honestly, half the X-Dialogue lately seems to really predictable, general crap to fill the pages so the writer's claim they threw something on the damned scripts.

Anyway, in the end Warlock and Cypher are back on the team and the deal with Hellions has no resolution. X-Necrosha has basically been, for X-Force and New Mutants, just holding back the resurrected people with little to no progress. None of the enemies are being taken care of. It's almost as bad as Utopia.

What's worst is Cypher: his language angst is the most repetitive crap, it's more repetitive than a cycle of America's Next Top Model. Ugh, the fact that he's come back to the team in the end is just bad news, but I suppose if the NM fans really need the team's most useless and plainest member back then who am I to judge? Conclusion: Don't buy this issue. Why? Look at this cheesy final panel:

The List #18 part 2

X-Force #22
Writers: Chis Yost and Craig Kyle
Artist: Clayton Crain
This issue begins with a glimpse of Emma's beloved deceased student, Negasonic Teenage Warhead and an explanation that many of the resurrected 16 million mutants were affected by the Decimation. This is pretty interesting information that I actually have wondered about before; if it's been gone over in Endangered Species then forgive me but I tuned out that crap side story almost entirely. Seriously, Beast exploring the overdiscussed Decimation is not an interesting read.

Shifting to the X-Men, we find Crain has gifted us with a beautiful two page fight scene which can be seen in the preview here. This includes bit of Gen. X reunion, which is nice to see that the team is not entirely forgotten. But in that panel I think there is our second caption glitch in this week's batch of comics:

That or Husk is possessing Skin.
Again, the possibilities are endless.

Inside the X-Landfill, we find out Rahne is pregnant and it's killing her! Hooray! I'm sorry to all her fans, but I've almost never liked the character for her naivete and overly religious crap. Considering how much she's in Limbo in X-Force right now, it'd be a good idea to either let her die (and make me happy) or put her on the revived New Mutants team. Anyway, Wolf Prince guy goes to go howl at the moon and Hela appears to interfere with my wish fulfillment.

Back on Planet Selene, she's plotting to kill her resurrected mutants to complete her spell that requires souls and other ideas that I hate. Probably their metaphorical 'hearts' too because the ability to love and be passionte is totally stored in our blood pumper. I find it odd that Selene can use the resurrected for her spell because I'd be inclined to think they're 'impure' or 'have no souls anymore'. Possibly something that will be covered later? Anyway, there's the big discovery of the blade required for the spell is missing, so Selene's elite go to attack the X-Men.

Speaking of the elite, you may have noticed the absence of X-Necrosha: The Gathering one-shot last week. That would be because all it was was Selene being evil and recruiting the characters with the same idea like five times. I have already had enough of that crap with Dark X-Men: The Beginning with Osborn forcing characters into recruitment for three issues. Now onto a set of panels worth noting:

First off, nice to see Dazzler being seriously used in combat. Second, who the hell is the redhead? My guess is that Morlock who's meant to resemble Jean with the weird tongue. But I find it off that anyone would let her on the island in the first place considering she's always up in the X-Men's grill. Third, holy shit, did Sooraya really just say 'What the hell'? Seriously, what she said overall seems totally out of character from her normally respectful-even-under-intense-cirumstances demeanor.

To conclude, buy this issue if you are following X-Necrosha, but otherwise be warned that it's a mediocre issue.

X-Men Legacy #230
Writer: Mike Carey
Artists: Daniel Acuna with Mirco Pierfederici
So as can be seen on the cover, Rogue begins the issue by using Emplate's powers right back on him. A bit surprising that her powers carried over to her astral form, but whatever works.

We also get a dialogue-less two-panel cameo of my favorite unconfirmed tranny, Ariel! Just so everyone knows, I totally picked up two issues of the only other series she's ever really appeared in, Fallen Angels, out of a $.25 bin during a fabulous sale at Coast City Comics. Seriously, if you're in the area and are a whore for sales like I am, then stop to pick up an issue or twelve.
Thanks to them, I now can know the magic of the 80's through Ariel.

Back to the plot, the drag net set to pull Emplate's astral lighthouse reels it in and Emplate ends up trying to suck Bling!'s energy to kill her, and some of the X-Men appear to save her. My favorite being:

My X-Boyfriend Warpath, of course. What a man, what a man, what a mighty delicious piece of man. Except Acuna could have done the face a little better and made it less aged looking. But at least he remembered to forget Warpath's shirt.

Anyway, Emplate gets sent to some uncertain fate of doom in the end. Later on, Bling! is getting interviewed by students and it turns out being saved is definitely something she's into. Yay for the X-Lesbians!

But boo on Hope Abbott. F'real honey, admitting you find someone is attractive isn't that big of a deal. Unless you're a total 'phobe. Seriously Hope, your enjoyment of tests and dislike of lesbians is absolutely backwards.

Anyway, the epilogue also includes Rogue and Cyke discussing her job offer and Cyclops mentions something that sounds very off to me:

Five years? Seriously? Didn't that thing come crashing down 15 years ago? 15 and 5 are huge differences. I was 15 five years ago, but I was 5 fifteen years ago. See the difference? I just dislike the sliding timescale in general since I think Storm was totally in her cougar 40's during X-Treme X-Men and that most of the senior X-Men should be aged to around that area.

That or numbers should never be mentioned in a sliding timescale. Anyway, last page of the issue is Gambit being gorgeous and talking to an evil goth card with black lips. Oh and don't read A Girl Named Hope, I loathe the artist. And Cable. So just ignore that in this issue and X-Force since I forgot to mention that it was in X-Force and am too lazy to go fix it.

In conclusion, pick up this issue if you've been collecting the other issues of this arc, but ignore it unless you've got lots of extra cash. I know I said I'd promote it if it had Ariel, but one-panel does not feed my need. And also, this arc in general was sort of good, but not great, yet again like Carey since Legacy began.

The List #7

X-Men Legacy #227
Writer: Mike Carey
Artist: Dustin Weaver

X-Men Legacy this month was sort of meh. It's Carey, I expect f#@%ing magic with him, so it's especially disappointing when he puts out a half-baked story like this one. There is something Carey has done perfect though. You probably saw it coming but:

Ariel is the gayest thing to happen to the X-Men, even Daz and Northstar together can't match her. Seriously, Carey, I plan this to be the last issue of Legacy I include on my blog unless you get another Emma-centric issue in, BUT if you continue to include Ariel I promise I will fucking sing your praise like no other.

More on Ariel, I had a dream last night that I Wikipedia-ed her and the entry said she was transgendered. Weird, yes, but it's a goddamned delicious idea. Seriously, Ariel as a male-to-female transgendered person would just be HEAVEN. If I ever get a Marvel comic team book, Ariel is so going to be revealed to be trans and she will be a fan favorite.

Going back to the issue. Danger was plain and unimportant. The story concerning Hope Abbott was so cheesy it could've been one of those blurbs at the end of Sailor Moon where one of the Sailor scouts is like, "If you and a friend don't get along, try to calmly work things out, it's not worth losing a friend over! See you soon!"

What deserves noting is that Moonstone is more like herself under Carey than she is in Reed's f#@%ing Ms. Marvel. Just zapped a bitch in the face without a thought!

Summary, this 2-issue Utopia tie-in was sort of lame. Except for Ariel, she's divine. I know I sound hard on Carey, but the thing is I've seen him do better. A LOT BETTER. And this is shit next to his other work. So Mike Carey, please get back to being Mike Carey for us, your fans.

X-Factor #47
Writer: Peter David
Artist: Valentine De Landro

To start, Peter David, thank you for not making Fitzroy a resurrection, but him before he traveled back in time and all that. Resurrections are ridiculous lately and we SO don't need another. Something that needs addressing about this issue though is the villains dominate too much spotlight time. I'm honestly so bored I just skim the villain's part. It's confusing. By the time I do get what's going on, I realize I don't care. And don't forget for a second: the cast is fucking huge. Do we really need to have more and more people getting involved? Which also can be aimed at the addition of Fitzroy. To an already overpacked cast. Despite his talent, David just is not managing this plus sized cast well anymore.

As for the Ricstar update, it was brief and unfulfilling like a quick handjob in the back of someone's car. Seriously, Rictor had more serious conversations with one-nighter Rahne. Let's talk it up, boys!

Dr. Doom this issue was love. My love for him is like my love for Joan Crawford. I don't love them when they're in their prime and in full power. I love them when they're losing their power because their aging and it also causes their mind to go fruit loops. Seriously, Doom's farewell parade in his mind was David gold.

Of other note, the cast seems to have gotten so big that all the other characters that don't get love in the issue are becoming cameo queens. Darwin this issue? Pure cameo queen. Longshot might've taught him the basics considering he was married to our Mistress of Momentary Manifestations (and I thought calling her Diva was fun). Even worse was Siryn because this was her all issue.

Also, it seems David is picking up another dangling thread by mentioning that Shatterstar and Longshot have similar DNA or something to the point of....we never found out. Check out next issue though, we're probably going to hear that Shatterstar is the gay son of Dazzler and Longshot. Which I would lose my f#@%ing mind over in celebration. Dazzler? Mom of a gay? I'm for that!

OH and Monet recovers from the mind control and fights the villain naked. Mmm, yummy. I'd be all over that if I were straight. The issue ended with a mandatory 'revelation' that this series is pulling too often with less and less shock factor. Seriously David dear, end off an issue with a simple 'Oh shit' sometimes, it doesn't always have to get sub-soap opera-y.

Mighty Avengers
Writer: Dan Slott
Artist: Khoi Pham

To begin, I picked this out to keep tabs on Young Avengers activity. And now I regret it. But I am glad that Cassie and Vision might no longer on the team because honestly that would be like the trimming off the fat of the team. I swear I feel so annoyed with Cassie it's like she's practically become a devout Christian that goes around with their nose in the air.

The issue was dry. The art was unappealing. The characters in the fight scene were men doing the same old philosophy of nations dance that is nothing new. at least we had this woman:

In closing, don't expect to see MA on this blog again, so not worth my time to even read, let alone review. BUT I do have to say, this panel of Scarlet Witch is one the most beautiful I've ever seen.

Uncanny X-Men #509 Review

Writer: Matt Fraction

Artist?: Greg Land

This issue begins with the opening scene of Claremont-esque reflection of who the X-Men are and basic ideas about their move to San Fran that've already been established. Meaning timewaster!! To compound on this offense is Greg Land and his perma-smile bullshit. The worst one being the blasted student (Hope Abbott?):

You are in fucking school taking a test, Hope. What could possibly be making you happy enough to smile?
What was almost as bad was the emotionless Cuckoos shown smiling. Aren't you bitches not supposed to feel anything? I mean, I would love that fact retconned, but even before their bullshit diamond hearts they were never ones to be all smiles unless they were being cruel.

Jean Paul's part was a massive disappointment this time around. His grasping for an answer is ridiculous, not only because if he's anything like Pietro then he must have accelerated thinking ability so he'd have some confident answer. Even if accelerated thinking is not in the power set, he'd just be like, "This place needs my fucking hot self." Which by the way, I know Greg Land traced him off some hot model, but damn Northstar is quite sexy.

The freakout among the X-Men over "Prop X" is annoying. Almost as annoying as taking directly from recent events (Prop 8) and pasting them into a comic book. To me it looks like someone's run out of ideas.

Pixie's "badass" Danger Room fight was such a horrible move. Seriously Pixie, you have received the shortest end of the stick in going from a background character who was extremely likeable to an attempt at a sex symbol who is unremarkable and Logans' new sidekick. And apparently is 18 now (more on that later)?

Beast's science club: A wasted page of pointless banter. Then finally an idea of what's going on.

And then Sisterhood time where this time the recap was needed. Psylocke's history actually is important to what's going on and she's been banished to obscurity for awhile. Then the Sisterhood spaz out because heaven forbid delayed gratification happen.

Again, attack of the perma-smiles. Why are you bitches smiling?! She's just laying down the scene, no smiles necessary! Not only that, it's a good thing Maddie's a ghost because that fucking waist is impossible. almost as impossible as those boobs. I think Greg Land should be cursed with a rack that size and see how impossible it is to do anything when your back always hurts. Seriously Greg, average-sized boobs are more than fine.

The part where Northstar, Dazzler, and Pixie walk in drunk needs a lot of addressing. First off, Pixie, get some better taste in men. Scott Summers is the most plain X-Man of all. And as much as I really don't want to talk about her any longer, there's the instance of this:

Last we checked in, a year ago I think, Pixie was 15. You can't tell me she just aged 3 years while the rest of her class is more or less the same age or maybe just one year older. I'm not sure drinking age in Wales, but Canada is 19 right now. And if Jean Paul is truly Quebecois, then he's probably going off Quebec's law and that would be 18. Did we really just see Pixie get aged 3 years just so Land's pornifying of her is less of a problem?? On to other topics...

You're kidding right? A relationship built on an affair between an intensely manipulative woman and a manchild? Fraction, if you haven't forgotten, Jean's DEAD. Emma's not a clone of Jean. And the relationship between Scott and Emma is likely intensely dysfunctional and I think odds are good that they would be broken up by now if writers didn't think Cyclops being single would be a sin.

Thanks heavens before the discussion can get any worse, the Sisterhood attacks with Chimera pissed over no one knowing who she is. Chimera, even I had to look you up when you were introduced in Uncanny, you are as obscure as they fucking come.

The end of the issue reveals Logan to be the one Maddy wants. More Wolverine spotlight time? Seriously? He's one of the most over exposed characters ever. His popularity is going to run out if things don't lessen especially since quantity is taking over quality in a big way right now.

In summary, I felt like I had very little to say because Fraction disappointed by slipping back to mediocre.