The List #38 Part 2

X-Factor #208
Writer: Peter David
Artist: Emanuela lupacchino
This issue opens with Monet filling in for the voice of the reader, and questioning Layla on what her deal is considering her hanging out with Dr. Doom. Layla sort-of answers and Monet ends up fainting before anything else can be found out. I'd not mention this, but this also features the return of creepy, cryptic Layla so that's a big plus in helping restore my love for her. Meanwhile....

Rahne is a total bitch. Look at what she interrupted when her and the monstrosity in her stomach came bursting through the door--->

Pants were unzipped! People's comic book homo-quotas could have been filled for three years if they'd have been allowed to go further! But no, Rahne yet again gives me more fuel as to why she's the one of the X-Characters I hate the most.

Then she goes on a 'high and mighty' rant with her finger vertical and waggling in the air and proceeds to accuse Shatterstar of brainwashing Rictor into this. Then she has a big fight scene with him. If you don't hate her yet, you will by the end of this issue.

Meanwhile, Longshot picks up some hoes and Darwin comments that he's tired of fighting when they come upon the Rahne/Star fight. Possibly a hint that he's that X-Factor team member leaving soon? Here's hoping, he contributes next to nothing to this series. And with Siryn and Madrox, it turns out they were duped into handing over the guy who used to be Hela's jester back to her, and that sets up the Vegas Trip for next issue.

The fight scene between Rahne/Star finally ends with Rictor explaining that he's genuinely with Shatterstar. She's hurt by this and says the most horrible thing:

At this point, I've had enough of Rahne Sinclair. Seriously, go die in a fire, bitch.

At first I thought she was lying on purpose to get Rictor back with her, but then I dug up my Necrosha issues of X-Force and turns out she really does have no idea that it's Hrimharri's. Whatever, she's still a bitch. What's worse is a rumor I've heard is that Miss Homo-Cockblocks is not just guest-starring, she's back on the team for good now. I'm not kidding about wanting her dead; I want her dead more than I wanted Cable dead. Seriously, she's like the Angelina of this series (Jersey Shore reference). No one wants you here, bitch! Oh and one last thing: Hela, who's getting an X-Factor visit soon, was involved in righting Rahne's pregnancy problems, so that may be something touched upon next issue. One good thing came of this devastating reveal:

Layla's onto you, Rahne!
And that's another push towards me loving Layla again. I'm so glad she's back to playing the weird girl who knows what's up. However, one thing I'm not glad to see is her ta-ta's hanging out. Girl, put those away, you were 13 two year ago, and we're just not ready for this.

Conclusion: Not as good an issue as the previous one, but still a great issue that makes X-Factor feel like it's getting revitalized after that dreadful, dragging FF crossover/Second Coming tie-in arc.


X-Men Legacy
Writer: Mike Carey
Artist: Clay Mann
Continuing from last issue, the X-Men take on the sentinels sent after the blonde girl with ease with Loa showing off her wonderful powers (here). I adore her powers, if I were an X-Man I would totally have her use her powers at every chance she had.

Turns out the blonde girl's name is Luisa and she's got a neat power:

Yes, she sounds like a modified Dazzler, but still, I think in a more awesome way here. Maybe because it has no connection to disco or other music scenes that have extremely soon expiration dates.

Paras' father has issue with taking her in, and Paras tries to calm him down while also revealing to the X-Misc. that he's getting married to his brother's fiance. Speaking of things that are weird, wasn't he determined to be the youngest New X-Man (14 then) right before it ended? What age is he now if he's able to enter a marriage in India?

Looks to be 16 by way of Taylor Lautner.

Obv. the transition from Scottie Young to another artist makes a difference (Pixie having suffered this the worst), but something about him strikes me as odd. I dunno, muscle-y 16 year olds just strike me as odd in general.

Everyone reacts to the news of engagement differently, Luisa having the most interesting reaction as she paints a picture on this:

No doubts about how she feels about Paras there. Later on we find out that for her this is subtlety. Exactly what's her idea of obnoxious? Rape?

Later on Magneto and Rogue have a talk about Luisa and how they can get her to tell them where she comes from as thus far she's been lying. Here's what Rogue's wearing during this little brainstorming sesh--->

...I haven't seen tops like those since the late '90's, and I haven't missed them. Ugh, just poor sartorial choices done by Rogue during this arc, seriously poor. During the discussion, Magneto also questions Rogue's choice in clothing. Her reaction?

Actually, he suggests to her that she should just siphon off the information from Luisa against her will with her powers, and she takes offense when he mentions that she's done it before.

In another room, Luisa tries to convince Paras to ditch his fiance, who we find out is boring and obedient, by using her lips. He shakes her off, and then comes the bright light of detail reveal as it turns out Luisa is Luz....and that she's one of the Childen of the Vault as they return (Serafina included) to collect her. Conclusion: Good issue, just not a whole lot else to say about that.

The List #35 Part 2

X-Men Legacy #238
Writer: Mike Carey
Artist: Clay Mann
Come in, sit down, and fix yourself a drink, we've got a lot to snark about. Not so much on Legacy, but trust me, once we get to Uncanny there will be some bitchery. Before we begin let's discuss this cover.

There was this article I went over for my class in Women and Gender Studies two semesters ago about how boys and girls are depicted in greetings cards congradulating parents on their newborn. Boys were usually shown to be playing with toys and generally active with expressive faces while girls were usually shown to be sleeping or passive (in their mothers arms) with little to no emotion on their faces, and this all connected to unconscious perceived value. Well, let's look at this cover. Magneto's alert, and looking to do something about the threat at hand, and he's got his hands 'protectively' *cough*possessively*cough* on Rogue. On the otherhand, Rogue's not mentally there at all and there's no sign that she's looking to act. Even though it's her series right now.

My irritation with the cover aside, so far is Legacy is the only book so far to bounce back on its feet after the crossover. While the other books so far have stumbled as they work themselves back into place, Legacy glides right back to where it was. Also, Clay Mann is back and he's better than ever with his pencils significantly adding to the quality of this issue.

We open this issue with Rogue finding out she needs to bring back Indra to India as his parents have asked for him due to his brother falling into a coma. She chooses to bring Anole, Loa, and Magneto with her, though she does offer a place to someone else -->

Finally Hellion has a believable reaction to the loss of his hands. I knew Carey would be the one to do it too, and I'm glad at least he sees even someone that arrogant is going to be hurting after something like this. Anyway, Hellion decides not to come, but he will be dealt with by Carey soon enough so we're just slapping a bookmark in his story.

Once the team gets to Mumbai it's revealed that Indra's parents intend for him to cease life with the X-Men and marry his brother's fiance since they don't know if he'll come out of it. Also if you were wondering, if you were wondering where Indra's prick gene comes from, I can tell you now that it's totally from his dad. And here I thought it was from him mimicking Nezhno's personality (seriously, they're a bit too similar these days).

Meanwhile the other X-Men are off on a shopping adventure with Magneto on a sidequest to figure out what's up with the weird fluctuations in the E.M. fields. Rogue's outfit choice for this outing only adds more evidence to the comparison of her to Sookie Stackhouse of True Blood (as they were both portrayed with Anna Paquin in the live adaptations and they're very similar roles in these adaptations). See for yourself:

We still love you, Rogue. On the other hand, I still dislike you, Sookeh.

At this point I need to explain what most of this issue was about since I've been dancing around it because it's all connected so you have to put it out in one chunk. Basically, the disturbances in the E.M. field is what brought Magneto to Mumbai and it's causing storms that put people in comas (like Indra's brother). The source of this is some ship floating on above with a crew that's all siblings I guess, and one of them's not going along with it. She decides to make a break for it, and lands down when one of the storm strikes with the X-Men there as well defending against it. Oh and also, the girl's siblings have sentinels and decide to sic them on her. And that's pretty much what happened. Also, Carey has a great handle of Magneto:

I've always seen him as snippy and irritated by others even when he wasn't 'evil'.

Anyway, X-Men Legacy definitely switched gears seamlessly while the other books are more like someone's first time with a stick shift. Do pick this one up if you're looking for a decent X-Book.

Uncanny X-Men #526
Writer: Matt Fraction
Artist: Whilce Portacio
Freshen up your drink, this one's going to be an all-out snarkfest of joy. While Uncanny stumbled like New Mutants this issue, it still had plenty of things about it to make fun of, mostly due to Whilce Portacio and his rape faces.

This issue opens with a focus on the first of the new mutants the X-Men are looking to recruit. She's having a particularly difficult transition, and Angel's totally not helping (bottom right panel). Oh Warren, save it for your grouchy teen band, Angel of Death or Horseman of the Apocalypse or whatever you call it.

Meanwhile other people are planning on adventures such as Hope who's looking to find out about her roots in Alaska and what happened to her parents. Emma's also on a mission, but that's to go wine and dine with Pervy Stark. Also, remember my request to keep Fraction away from the Internet for fear of copy and pasting another 'hip' or 'now' thing in his stories?

It wasn't heard.
Of course he'd reference unfunny bro shit, we always reference what we know.

Anyway, during Hope's journey she takes Dr. Nemesis, Rogue, and Cypher with her. They find out that Hope's mother is confirmed as dead. They also review how many people died because Hope was born:

But not with facial proportions this world typically sees.
Seriously, I know of one person on this planet with a jaw like that and it's noticeable. I even used to refer to him as 'Jaws' since it was his one defining feature.

So Hope finds out a lot of people died the day she was born and she's bum city about it. Rogue moves her hand to comfort her except it's not a hand that belongs to a human. No, it's a hand that belongs to one of those weird vomit guys from that fucking Tool video that every alternative kid lost their shit for back in the day (@2:08). Ugh, I can't stand that video, especially since it seems to be a birthing ground for pointlessly pretentious college 'artists' who haphazardly throw paint at a sheet of paper and call it deep, existential, nihilistic, and whatever other words 'deep' people use. You know the type.

Back to the issue, while resting for the night in a motel Cypher goes over the details of Hope's mother like her name and Dr. Nemesis chastises him for coming off as insensitive. Which is a big deal since Nemesis seems to drink Mountain Douche. It also makes no sense because isn't Cypher our new fix-it-all, know-it-all? I mean if he can figure out the language of viruses, can't he figure out the basic language of social etiquette?

Hope ends up visiting her mother's grave only to encounter her grandmother. Obviously Grams doesn't know who Hope is since Hope should still be a baby considering Marvel's sliding timescale, but this doesn't stop Grams from inviting the total stranger over. From there she tells Hope about her mother who was a firefighter...because of course her mother's occupation had to do with fire. Did she also adopt birds, specifically birds of prey that rose again? Hope tells her of her loss with Cable gone and Grams' sympathy is creepy:

What a rape face. And who the hell smiles when they're expressing their sympathies?
Also, she should sue whoever did her walls, it looks like a 6 year old attacked it with a set of black crayons.

Back with the Science team and Colossus and Kitty, it seems Kitty can't unphase because her body doesn't remember how. Truly tragic. I really do miss her irritating me and threatening to kill my favorite character. Another thing, did anyone else notice that Colossus has a total shelf for an ass? Omigosh, at least Portacio neglected the easy-access hole for this issue or I would've been like, "Kitty, he's using you as a fucking beard." Anyway, back to things that lasted longer than two pages:

The emerging mutant girls has had it. Her hair's falling out, her skins changing color, Portacio's having his way uglying up her face...it's just not her day. Apparently we're meant to know that she's really smart as it's emphasized with every other line she says with things like her SAT scores (1590? Hope that's not counting all three portions or that's hardly impressive. Although seems to me the writing portion is newish). Hope appears and she's like, "Chill, sis," but this girl's had it and jumps. Hope follows her and when she gets a hold of Laurie, the new girl, she causes her to fully mutate, making her the android-ish one who can fly. Afterward Hope guides her back to the rooftop and Laurie decides all of a sudden she's over being angsty about her being a mutant even though it turns her whole life upside down. But hey, it's just like losing a limb according to everyone except Carey, it's totally whatev. And she willingly joins up with the X-Men. End issue.

Conclusion: Obviously this issue is flawed. However, these flaws are fucking hilarious, and I have to say I have found a new favorite artist to pick on and his name is Whilce Portacio. Seriously, I'm so excited for the material he's going to give me next issue. Buy it if you have a sense of snarky humor about this whole 'Five Lights' thing.

Side Story
Writer: Allan Heinberg
Artist: Olivier Coipel
This side story is meant to connect the dots between Magneto being on Utopia not knowing about his maybe-grandsons to showing up at the end of Childrens Crusade #1. It turns out Dr. Nemesis informs Mags about the YA and the possible connection between him and Tommy and Billy. He decides to go ask Cyclops about it who's busy with Colossus and Psylocke rebuilding Utopia. Cyclops is doubtful, and Wolverine steps in to say the Avengers will not allow him near them at all. Cyclops is not unsympathetic to Magneto's desire to meet them, but he tries to be rational with him about it. That's pretty much it for the side story, but I will say Heinberg's Magneto and Cyclops are excellently characterized. Cyclops in particular since Heinberg's version is not a fucking unreasonable douchebag, and acts more like a leader by being rational and sympathetic, even to Magneto. One more thing of note besides that: Who wears short-shorts?

'
Colossus!

Coipel is just forking over material for my new favorite tag "616 colossus might also be gay."
I can't believe Coipel actually thinks that grown, muscular men wear crap like that, especially since I've seen him do it before with Hawkeye. That's more of a look for skinny, twink-y gay guys. I mean, sure, back when they did it in the 80's it almost made sense, but now it's embarrassing. Especially since you know one of Peter's balls of steel is bound to pop out at one point or another. But yeah, that's it for me, hope you all had as much fun with these issues as I did.