The List #47

Chew #16
Writer: John Layman
Artist: Robert Guillory
After last issue's ending with the alien lights in the sky, we find Chu dealing with the effects the lights are having on the public as many are thinking it's a sign of the end of the world, including Chu's partner, John, who's drinking himself silly. Which is shame because it lead to less face time with him, anddd that's a shame because he's a fun character (and gay!). Anyway, Chu partners up with the guy who's partners with Savoy, but still in the FDA, and they going look for this guy named Daniel Migdalo who is "voresophic" which means eating makes him smarter and may be able to help with the situation. Except they come upon him as a blubberous mountain who's now so smart that he mindfucked and can't function due that and his weight. Chu and Savoy's guy try to talk to him, but he's too far gone and attacks them. In the end, he dies jumping out of his window for mints, and that's it for him. Savoy's guy stops Chu from trying to eat any of the guy as it might send him off the deep end....while he ends up saving some of the guy and giving it to Savoy. Meanwhile, a chicken joint re-opens....

Conclusion: While Chew is always a great read and still is here, this issue feels like last month's in the sense that it feels more like an issue to set up things with having barely anything happening in itself.

Uncanny X-Men #531
Writer: Matt Fraction and Kieron Gillen
Artist: Greg Land
This issue opens with Cyclops and Dr. Rao touring the sick bay, and going over who's infected so as to emphasize that this recycled plot is a "big deal". So obviously Wolverine's infected. And Namor, who's trying his hardest to get back to Atlantis since he's needed there while taking time to do his best celebrity impression, courtesy of Land:

I'm saying this is totally True Blood's Alexander Skarsgard.

Anyone else see it? Sorry the picture of Skarsgard isn't exactly the same pose, but I didn't have the energy to go hunting to that extreme. Anyway, in reaction to Rao's news, Cyclops does the CSI sunglasses thing to make this shit seem serious and then there's that scream and cue credits. Except...

Isn't that a completely dangerous thing for Cyclops to do? In the sick bay no less?
Seriously, in any other universe besides Fraction and Land's mind-numbing one, this would've ended badly as Cyclops' raw beam blew up half of Utopia.

Stupidity is a theme this issue, and it only get worse when we transfer to the fake X-Men subplot. Basically, we come in on the X-Men who happened to be outside of Utopia before the Quarantine (Angel, Pixie, Dazzler, Storm, and Northstar) telling the press that they have no association with the fakes. And for some reason Pixie is doing some of the talking, even though what she's saying has likely already been established by the senior X-Men:

How embarrassing for them.
Also, I can't help but think of that [Patrick from Spongebob meme] when I look at this ridiculous pose. Which is fitting because Pixie is basically as dense as Patrick under Fraction's hand. Which ended up inspiring me to [this].

Meanwhile the horrendous Emma Frost subplot continues, focusing on Emma and Shaw's hidden past as Emma reveals the new 'fact' that she had two other people competing with her for the title of White Queen, and when she took the title, Shaw beat them into the refrigerators in the sky. Of course, we see Emma regretful here because now we've degraded so far in Emma's character that we've gone from her being an unapologetic bitch to her being altruistic and in a constant state of repent, even if she wasn't responsible for what went down. Anyway, in the end Fantomex, having had enough, decides to release Shaw from E.V.A., assuming that it would kill him... Oops, how silly of him! Except it's Fantomex and he knows who Shaw is (remember his introduction?), and he'd never be so reckless. Except... Fraction's run relies on the idea that readers can believe the X-Men are really this dumb, sloppy, and melodramatic so there you go.

Moving back to the fake X-Men/Collective Man plot in San Fransisco, we have the Collective Man/Men going around beating the crap out of people, and the X-Men coming in to stop them. Just how you may ask? By having Pixie yell at them to stop. Yeah.

Surprisingly, this tactic doesn't end up working out so the X-Men end up doing it the old fashion way, and the naive fake X-Men see this, and decide to go teamup with the X-Men and see if they'll accept them. Yessir, as I warned, this issue is chock full of idiotic crap, and it gets worse if you pay any attention to Dazzler as Fraction apparently tries to justify not using her or respecting her by making her entire personality that of a 13-year old's, as can be seen with all the "Whatever's".

It's business as usual with this issue of Uncanny. Which actually brings to mind: Where's Kieron Gillen this issue? Considering the hype his joining the Uncanny team received, you'd think some difference would be visible here, but unfortunately it all seems to be all Fraction. Here's hoping that changes considering Gillen got a lot of love for his shortly lived S.W.O.R.D.

Conclusion: Just another case of same tired crap, different issue this time around.

X-Men Legacy #243
Writer: Mike Carey
Artist: Paul Davidson
This issue focuses on Omega Sentinel's possessed rampage and the results of it. Basically what happens is this: Omega Sentinel reverts to her original programming and successful beats the crap out of everyone working on the San Fransisco rebuilding project except Hellion. Hellion, being the rage case that he is these days, ends up taking care of her.....by making beating her so hard she's essentially brain dead. Which is another way of justifying her presence in Limbo....and also what happens when two characters of similar personality and function are working too closely to each other *cough*Psylocke*cough*. Speaking of that, I'd just like to share an idea I have on that: You know how in the Avengers, Jocasta's "personality matrix" doodad is based on the Wasp? Wouldn't it be neat if it was revealed that Omega Sentinel's was based on Betsy's? Eh? Ok, maybe I'm alone here, but I've just found that ever since Carey's X-Men that Miss Karima has sounded strikingly similar to Miss Betsy.

Anyway, moving back, Dr. Nemesis ends up uncovering the source of this freakout and it turns out that it's because:

Again, as I said last time, I feel with all the ties to Second Coming this mini-arc that it would have been better placed before the Adventures in India arc.

Speaking of Second Coming, luckily Hope and her blandness factor very little into this issue, but that's to make way for Hellion's angry angst. Yessir, after Julian's angst-filled attack on Omega, we end up with more of it as Cyclops reams him out for being violent in taking down Omega Sentinel. Julian counters him implying that Cyclops' a hypocrite considering his recent violent tactics. That was fun, of course, but I like it when anyone yells at Cyclops because he's a character who's a constant source of irritation for me. Moving on, from there Julian degrades into angst, and we get move of his "I-might-turn-out-to-be-a-villain--MAYBE!" subplot. Which with all the excessive angst I've had to see this month, in real life and comic book land, I can definitely say I'm in no mood for. Which is too bad because I actually used to like Hellion.

Conclusion: This is a lukewarm issue where you will likely find yourself hating Hellion if you didn't already.

The List #45 Part 1

Uncanny X-Men #530
Writer: Matt Fraction
Artist: Greg Land
Before we begin, can I ask what is up with all the good/important X-Titles being released this week? Who at Marvel thought this was a good idea? I'm thinking a constant feed of X-Men works much better than just having one week a month where everything comes out.

This issue marks the welcome return of Greg Land to Uncanny which is a big improvement to Portacio awkward rape faces and characters who seem to have perpetually fried hair. Some of you may not be glad to see the return of Land, but let's think of it in the context of Uncanny: So long as Fraction is writing it in any form, it will always be shit and Land, while a horribly controversial artist, produces images that are worth lots of laughs. So if I'm going to be suffering this shit in attempting to keep in the know of what's going on, I at least welcome some unintentional humor along the way. Also, his issues tend to be more colorful.

The opening of this issue starts with Emma going over how important Shaw is for the hundredth time and then telling Fantomex and Shadowcat how she explained their departure to Cyclops. Basically, she used a flimsy shopping excuse that he didn't buy. She'd have had better luck just not telling him. Oh and, because this is Land, she's naked during this conversation with Cyclops. Yeah, Emma Frost, master manipulator and professional liar, really has trouble coming up with convincing explanations for three people's absence. Good heavens it appalls me how little respect Fraction has for female characters, but more on that later.

The big plot of this issue is the big release of HX-N1 disease that's infecting a decent amount of Utopia including, OMG WAIT FOR IT......WOLVERINE!!! OMG WHAT?! I thought his power levels were over 9000?! Yeah, we're doing a deadly mutant virus....again! Which is also a total ripoff of the swine flu hype! I understand there are only so many X-Stories to be told, but do we really have to put up with such obviously recycled crap? Speaking of recycled:

I know we've all seen this basic image before considering it's Copy and Paste Land, but is this really considered a desirable body? Big shoulders with a tiny waist? Is this what macho men want? To look like big pizza slices?

So yeah, there's also something uninteresting deal with the Collective Man as well as the guy whose working with Sublime or whatever and is now making his own faux Original Five X-Men. Nobody really cares and also, how many times do we have to have a group based around being like the Original Five? Again: It's played out now, let's at least move on to emulating the All-New All-Different group. Also, a little panel that popped up during the Faux Five introduction:

Does this panel makes you guys uncomfortable? It certainly makes me uncomfortable, like holy fellatio, how did this get past the censors?

Moving back to the virus issue, Cyclops tries to contain the situation by holding Utopia under quarantine and also calling a press conference, conducted by Archangel and I'm guessing Val Cooper, that basically just scares everyone and makes faint prejudices come out. Did the press really need to be informed? That island's fairly isolated, especially under quarantine, they actually could get away with not telling anyone until it becomes a big deal. Meanwhile, Dazzler and Northstar get the news, Daz being fabulously dressed up like the biggest fag hag this side of the Marvel Universe, and Daz is actually excited to be one of the remaining outside X-Men despite the fact that it means people are ridiculously ill. K, this is where we return to Fraction having no respect for women and I'd include gay men considering Northstar's also involved in this. Here we have Ali acting completely insensitive and stupid and that's pretty much how he's portrayed her and Northstar since he's introduced them: Stupid, superfluous, and shallow, basically as total jokes. What's worse is I feel like he's not aware of this and just thinks he's doing them a favor giving them some page time.

Conclusion: While this issue is definitely drama-filled and sort of fun, there's nothing really new to be found here. Same plotlines and same problems with the creative teams, but definitely a more fun issue than we've seen lately.

X-Men Legacy #242
Writer: Mike Carey
Artist: Paul Davidson
This issue marks the beginning of the brief Post-Second Coming rebuild arc which is oddly placed considering Second Coming's more or less already forgotten by now. Also, considering the last arc was pretty self-contained and could have easilly just have been moved to be after this one instead of before. That and Utopia and San Fransisco are already being drawn to be fully recovered by all the other artists, so we don't even get the visual need for this rebuild anymore.

The story this time around is basically three things: The rebuilding of Utopia, Omega Sentinel losing control over her systems, and Hellion's angst over losing his hands. Except Hellion's pretty justified in his angst, well, minus the fact that he keeps getting pissed anyone trying to help him. Rogue remedies this by deciding if he's not going to respond to sympathy then he's going to be put to work instead, and really, good on her for choosing that route considering how pissy he is to just everyone. However, he does bring up one good point that's pretty much on everyone's minds:

Um really. Considering the science team operates like magic, just conjuring something up every time there's a need, how hard is it to make convincing looking hands considering it's just really about throwing on some latex or wtfever to those robot claws?

Meanwhile, a team is gathered to rebuild San Fransisco which includes Random, Psylocke, Hope, Colossus, Omega Sentinel, Rogue, and Danger. You may notice that there's a lot of former villains on this list, and if you read the issue, it looks even worse considering how ominous Magneto looks throughout the entire issue with being just white coming out of the shadow of his helmet. Seriously, Mags, way to help people feel comfortable with you.

Another thing of note includes how the Hope baton is passed from Uncanny to Legacy as Carey gets his chance to deal with the mutant messiah. Hellion gets in a tiff with her over her not using her powers to help speed up the reconstruction. Magneto makes a biblical reference when commenting on Hellion's disbelief concerning Hope, speaking about Thomas the Apostle wanting to see Jesus' crucifixion marks to prove he was the messiah. And really, I'm right there with Hellion because since her introduction I haven't bought Hope as some sort of astonishing messiah, and I just don't see myself buying it any time soon. She's just Jean-lite, and really, half the time Jean herself was Jean-lite.

Speaking of characters who act like previously established characters, I'm surprised Carey put Psylocke and Omega Sentinel together considering how similar both their functions are on a team and just generally how they act. I mean, the similarity's not so strong that it's embarrassing, that'd only occur if Carey added Sage to the mix, but it's still an interesting choice. Also, I have to wonder why there wasn't a scene with Psylocke tried to talk to Hellion, maybe it's just me, but I'd be interested to have two TKs address their similarity and all that.

In the end, this issue is hardly spectacular, but it is certainly a good one. While the main plot is hardly worth discussing at length, and as you can see I didn't because I really couldn't, it's still a Carey-quality issue. Also, the art done by Davidson is sort of standard which is sort of disappointing because I really enjoyed his dark work on New Mutants. Conclusion: This is one you should only purchase with your spare change.

The List #44 Part 1

Hey everyone, I'm back from my extended absence that was due to my busy schedule of life-having. So yeah, I'm going to recap what I missed briefly (well, relatively considering my original commentary) in the next two posts because it would kill me not to say a couple things on what's gone by. Let's get started, shall we?

Action Comics #894
Writer: Paul Cornell
Artist: Pete Woods
The much-anticipated return of the extremely popular Death of the Endless turned out to be a bit overhyped. While her appearance lasted the entire issue and contained much dialogue, in the end there was a loss of that special flair that comes with Death's appearance. Remember how Death's appearance was always a treat because every line she had was pure gold? This not so much. I think this can be partially blamed on the visually uninteresting presentation from the artist which just made the entire event feel very common and unremarkable. Then there's the bland dialogue she's fed that ultimately leaves maybe one memorable moment. It's all very general and with this issue basically rotating around just their discussion it would lead you to think said dialogue would be a bit more entertaining.

In this appearance, Death is essentially supporting Lex's story, whose appeal is beyond me and failed to capture me here, so instead of stealing the spotlight like her return should be she's simply formed around Lex's story. Conclusion: Possibly a problem with who she was placed with, but this appearance of the typically peppy Death turned out to be flat. Hopefully we'll see her again in a better light soon though.

Uncanny X-Men #529
Writer: Matt Fraction
Artist: Whilce Portacio with Harvey Tolibao
This issue contains just more of Fraction's poor attempts at writing Emma. Oh and Danger and Box finally become the pioneering couple that inspire confidence to those sex robot enthusiasts who've come into the spotlight of public humiliation as of late. Also, can we talk about how creepy it was when Fantomex walked in on Box who had a projection of Danger and her systems up on his screen? It just had this horrible vibe of a creeper who got a hold of someone's nudes. Whatever, at least they finally went out on a date.

The 'Lights' are dealt with at some points, but I won't really get into it. Nor will I get into Generation Hope #1. Why? Because these new mutants have bland, one-note personalities with unoriginal powers. And I mean one-note as each character seems to be defined by one trait that is constantly played up on. The metal-skin girl? Her academic drive, that's all she sees the world through. African girl with fire and ice powers? All religious/spiritual focused thoughts. And of course, the feral guy's always mate and sometimes fight/flight which is ridiculous especially because you KNOW they would have never written a female feral mutant to have mate on her mind all the time. I could go on and on about how much I dislike this feral mutant's likely gendered presentation, but I'll do it some other time. Which by the way, all of these powers? It's not just that we've seen them before; it's that we've seen them so many times that it's aggravating to see the same old powers used for the new generation. One would think that the writers would jump at the opportunity to think up some nifty new powers and complex new characters, but no it would seem. I've heard part of the reason to be sort of like the original five X-Men, butttt don't we go down that route every couple of years with some mini series or origins issue?

The main plot of this issue is yet again dramatizing for no reason. Fantomex all of a sudden becomes involved in the abduct Shaw mission where he only does two things: Hypnotizes Box into going out with Danger and places an EVA in place of Shaw in the prison. Even though Emma's fully capable of convincing Box into peacing out for awhile. Whatever, another opportunity for Fraction to air out his fratboy brand badassery. Oh and also, Kitty's involved. But is she moving around you may ask!? The science club made her a special suit. Yup, yet another example of science being the new magic in this series. And in terms of Emma, she was yet again interpreted through the eyes of a 13 year old as her dialogue was everywhere and just horrid. This being the worst example:

Did Fraction really just attempt to claim that Nightcrawler was Emma's favorite?
Even though they've had maybe two lukewarm scenes together?

Seriously, why does Fraction insist on attempting to qualify crap that has little-to-no previous evidence. Even worse this issue was the presentation of Danger's pondering on whether or not Emma was good or evil. You would think some things would have been made clear by, that she's essentially gray and simply working in a lighter shade these days, but it seems basic ideas elude this series. Conclusion: Standard Fraction crap. Next.

X-Men: To Serve and Protect #1
Writer: James Asmus
Artist: Jon Buran

For this issue I'll only be covering the Emma story considering the others are about Fantomex, Cypher, and Rockslide who are obviously not my favs. Also, I'm going to touch on her Young Allies appearance.

So the story is that a massage parlor gets attacked by Mandrill while Emma's getting a massage there. He uses his pheromone powers to control the women there and make them fall in love with him, but Emma remains immune in her diamond form. Emma and Mandrill discuss why he thinks he deserves these women and why he believes it's ok to manipulate them with this questionable line:

While I adore this calling out of men's absurd expectations, there's a few things wrong here with Emma being the one to say this. Considering she's someone who's gotten plastic surgery to conform to the ideal image of women and has hooked up with some of the worst womanizers, I think she's hardly in a great position to speak on this especially because she's still with an immature manchild. Some of you may say 'Who better than her,' and I can see that, but I would at least have liked her to address that she's previously conformed to these ridiculous notions. I'm all for Emma Frost having some sort of feminist angle, but one that at least makes sense to her character.

Concerning Young Allies #6, her appearance was basically what's common of her recent spotlight. She steps in with difficult to belive altruistic motives (in this case wanting to bring Firestar to Utopia), but the writers try to cover it up by having her be pointlessly bitchy in ways that make no sense to her character and really just serve to insult her intelligence (the whole ordering coffee then acting insulted by it when someone tries to serve her it). And the resolution of this coming to Utopia issue ended with a very fanfic-y "I don't want to live by any labels" speech from Firestar which left Emma 'touched'. Do I even need to explain how I feel about that? Also, this inability to correctly execute Emma's voice by most writers makes it sadly hilarious that Kelly Thompson of She Has No Head! said today, "A lot of writers really seem to “get” Emma’s voice as Grant Morrison, Joss Whedon, Warren Ellis, Scott Lobdell, Kathryn Immonen and several other significant writers have all nailed her voice in recent years..." [Source]. While, yes, all of these writers have besides Immonen have, but still, all the rest generally disappoint in a big way and miss her voice and characterization by quite a bit. Anyway, onwards to the most recent poll:

Telekinesis and Telepathy tied for #1! And then Flight, Shape-shifting, and Super Strength all came in 3rd, 4th, and 5th way behind the first two. Thanks for voting and be sure to vote one the next one! Also, be sure to look out for the next post which hopefully will be in a couple days where I review the lastest Avengers Academy, Avengers the Childrens Crusade, and Chew.

The List #40

Before we begin, apologies again for the my delayed and brief posts for this past month, I've probably already mentioned that it's due to my college workload at the moment and yeah, it's still going strong right now. Also, maybe it's just me, but this month's releases were overall bland and I found myself without much to say on half of my regular titles. Anyway, all of this will probably be resolved very soon, so please just bear with me.

Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis #3
Writer: Warren Ellis
Artist: Kaare Andrews
Despite the good omen of this issue's fabulous cover, this issue had little of the joy, laughter, and fun of previous issues to offer this time around. Basically the events of the issue were this: Captain Crocodile who popped in at the end of the last issue attempted to explain his motivation for wanting to kill the babies as they sometimes blow up. Then there was a hunt for a guy on the run named James Jasper clone or something who has to do with the Warpies business (Not sure the significance and I refuse to read Excalibur to find out). He was killed and then this leads to an opening of a Ghost Box with tons of soldiers from another dimension coming though.

Overall, it was underwhelming as Captain Crocodile and the silent hunt for James Jasper ate up a lot of page time. There was a moment of pure joy where Emma was given her due respect though [which can be viewed here], and of course this thrilled me to no end as it's always a good day when my Queen is treated like the Queen she is. Speaking of her being an absolute queen, unfortunately there was only one moment this issue where she was funny and it was really just commentary on her odd way of patching into other people's brains last issue. Still, Emma goodness is Emma goodness:

Conclusion: I'm sad to say this issue was a disappointment as it was an issue I had heavy anticipation for and also, Astonishing is one of the few titles where I can see Emma written correctly (as you will see emphasized when we get to Uncanny).

Gotham City Sirens #16
Writer: Peter Calloway
Artist: Andres Guinaldo
This arc begins fresh without the absolute bore that is Tony Bedard's writing. It's difficult to judge whether or not this writer will work this series as the results of this issue were mixed: The cast's personalities are still being flatly written with everyone's dialogue sounding mediocre and like the discount store version of how they usually speak. However, a big plus of this issue was the special guest appearances of other Gotham City Sirens such as Zatanna, Talia Al Ghul, and Oracle which is a big plus considering this is supposed to be a female-centered series.

On the other hand, the big conflict of this arc has to do with Selina's connection with Bruce Wayne and villains discovering his secret identity. Definitely a minus to have an arc rotating around a man attached to one of these characters, even though it's been the focus of most of the arcs so far, because it just seems to present this idea that these female characters have no stories of their own without the men in their lives.

The artist, who's been with us since at least last arc but I've yet to really comment on, is also a subject of mixed results as he's absolutely terrible, but he also seems to produce hilarious results as can be seen here with Selina:

Either Selina's been secretly working to be a body builder or this guy has difficulty drawing outside of male physiques.

Also did Dick Grayson get thrown in some sort of aging machine in order to be an adequate replacement for Batman? Because this guy's take on Dick is absolutely scary. Like I think he's using former Batman Adam West as a reference. And I mean the Adam West of now.

Conclusion: While I'm thrilled for GCS to finally have a new writer, I can't say he's doing anything that different from the last one. However, there are a couple spots that I found to be encouraging so there may be hope for this series yet.

Uncanny X-Men #528
Writer: Matt Fraction
Artist: Whilce Portacio
Fraction needs to stop writing Emma Frost. For some reason he thinks he can, so he spent half the issue focusing on her and her new plan to kill Sebastian Shaw so no one ever finds out she's keeping him prisoner and all this just sounds like fucking grasping for storylines. More importantly, it's further ruining her character because obviously he's still writing her with the most fucked-up dialogue I've ever read.

Also, I'm so done with these new kids' storylines. It's the same thing every issue: There's conflict with the new power, X-Men arrive to help but they can't do much, and in the end it's only Hope who helps them and for some idiotic reason they agree to go with the X-Strangers. In the end, here's Storm's breasts to sum up how I feel about this issue.

I'll grow up someday.

X-Men Legacy #240
Writer: Mike Carey
Artist: Clay Mann
Despite this being one of the best X-men series as well as a currently serving up a great arc with the much-anticipated return of the Children of the Vault, I find myself having little to actually say about it. It's through no fault of this book that I find myself in this position, hopefully if you read you can see why, but I just couldn't find any point in particular this issue that I found noteworthy on its own.

Anyway, I highly recommend this book as one of the strongest X-Books of the past year and also this specific arc as its got the charming work of Clay Mann with Carey providing a great story and using a unique cast of X-Men that really works for this arc.




X-Men Vs. Vampires #1
Writers + Artists: [Find Out Here]
X-Vignette mini-series tend to be a hit or miss with me with the miss being the general leaning. This one so far seems to be fine despite it being part of the horrible vampire-polooza bullshit. Here's a quick rundown of what was went down in this one:

Husk shows her loyalty to her BFF Jubes and goes out hunting for information about where she is. When she encounters vampires we get a show of how badass she is as she shakes off a vampire bites by just husking, turns into a wooden form with tons of stakes, isn't phased by being set on fire, and barely reacts to getting chopped in half with an axe. Why isn't she on a team again?

The next story is a Dazzler story where we get the whole "We're people too!" vampire story. Which would be fine if that was even close to the main focus of this vampire event. Instead, it's a story in a vignette series which means a whimper in the terrible roar of this event. Not only do I not care, but True Blood's already got this covered and does it so much better.

Following that is what seems to be a Rogue story where she meets a vampire who believes she's the reincarnated form of his past lover due to her spirit seeming the same. Instead it turns out to be none other than No-Girl possessing Rogue. At first she's torn about this as he promises her love and a body, but in the end she just kills him. Also, Ernst appears and is fabulous in appearance, but fails to sound like her creepy self (is it really that had to write a creepy voice? Seriously?). Basically a mediocre story involving two great characters.

And the last story is a Magneto one which I didn't even bother to read. I'm sorry, I don't care if this turns out to be the greatest vignette story ever, I'm so fucking sick of Magneto right now I just want Logan to decapitate him this frigging instant. And now for the news:

• This double-panel from Namor: The First Douchebag #2 served to tick me off. I'd take it less seriously had Emma reacted as if this was sarcasm or denial, but it seems she thinks him serious. To this I say: Really, Namor? You're the pathetic stalker here, bud. Remember [this]?
• Apologies for my lack of inclusion of Avengers Academy #4, but it was fucking dull due to spotlighting Mettle as well as having to no suspense considering A. Osborn wouldn't bite it in a junior book B. We already saw the end result of this issue in Thunderbolts.
  
• The results of our last poll reveal Wolverine and Rahne's Hellspawn in a tie for most likely to be declared Omega-level which is exactly as it should be. Narcissistic asshat Cypher followed in second and Fantomex came in a far behind third. Qwerty and Sage tied for fourth which is too bad because I was rooting for Claremont's super-pet. Oh and Longshot didn't get a single vote, so how's that for lucky? Thanks everyone for voting and don't forget to vote on the new multiple choice question where you choose who gets kicked out of X-Factor. And by multiple choice I mean you can pick as many members as you want. Hell, kick out the whole team if you want.
  

Uncanny X-Men #527 Review

Uncanny X-Men #527
Writer: Matt Fraction
Artist: Whilce Portacio
This cover is such a source of irritation for me it's ridiculous. It's absurd that Emma is all, "Oh mah lands, he's about to kiss me!" plus the use of 'soft' colors for this cover. Instead this cover should be her reacting to Namor's advances with a playfully mischievous smile as if she were thinking it over (and in control as opposed to this cover). Yet again why I resent Dodson on anything besides a teen series.

On the actual contents of this issue, this issue is mainly about Emma going through the gallery of her notable former fucks, and I am just itchy thinking about it. I'm not saying Emma has crabs. I'm saying noted womanizers Sebastian Shaw, Namor, and Iron Man probably do. While I love Miss Frost, her choice in bed partners is disgusting especially since it's almost completely populated by manchildren. She needs to discover the joys of sexy, charismatic men like Gambit....I'd ship that. During Emma's first station of the cross, her meeting with Tony Stark, something caught my eye:

Emma totally looks like Lord Fanny here.
Emma's definitely had other moments where she resembled my favorite Invisible, and she definitely spoke exactly like her during Morrison's New X-Men, but I'll elaborate on that another time (probs in a comparison post).

Anyway, Emma basically meets up with Tony Stark to just establish that they're cool now considering their last meeting. Fraction takes this opportunity to try and mimic Morrison's take on how Emma speaks to verbose results (link). This issue you'll notice that word has made it to Fraction that we're tired of defanged Emma, so he attempts to write this by having her bitch at everyone. It's like watching a 16-year old blow a melodramatic hissy fit; it's painfully embarrassing to witness.

Emma next visits Sebastian Shaw and Danger gets in her face about her being worried that someone will find about her keeping him prisoner. Which after X-Force's big reveal it's not that big of a deal especially considering it's Emma Frost. Instead Emma explodes into a hissy fit and Box shows up to inform her that Colossus is looking for her. When she leaves, the real romance of this issue sets in:

*Insert robot love joke here*

Meanwhile Scott and Logan are in Japan going over how much longer they can keep their secret love for each other under wraps....what? It's right there in the subtext. Wolverine doubts Cyclops' ability to lead without the presence of a war, I doubt his ability to lead period, and then there's this little gem:

That really is the most f#@%ing ridiculous thing I've ever heard. And if all this tension in the relationship leads up to an engagement ring, then I'm boycotting Uncanny (which I probably should've done a long time ago). Meanwhile, Emma begrudgingly arrives to help Kitty and Peter. Here's her entrance:

This A. Makes me miss Fanny B. Makes me miss the day when Emma's development had little to do with a serious relationship with a man.

Kitty and Peter are asking for Emma because no one else can get into Kitty's mind right now and they simply want to communicate. Emma pitches another appalling fit at this, but I mean it's almost understandable considering this is the face Peter approaches Emma with (he's actually begging her for help in this panel).

That's a face only a mother could love.
Luckily she's dead so she's saved the futile effort of trying.

Emma finally reads Kitty's mind and it's 'revealed' that Kitty loves Pete. Really? That's what they were harping on Emma for? Kitty can't just make that dreadful heart hand symbol?

Let's take a pause on this to talk about the new mutant. He's the vibrating one in the teasers and apparently this one also is all about the tests and grades. Here's how the team coming to help him enters-->

Seriously Cece? First off, his family's freaking out enough concerning his being a vibrate-y mutant, is that really the only greeting you can think of? What's even more appalling is that the family accepts them rather than is like, "Uh, fuckoff strangers, go steal kids somewhere else,"

Everything is resolved once Hope arrives since now she's all of a sudden the perfect person to help ease new mutants into their new lives. I know I know, she's the 'messiah,' but if you're reading Uncanny then tell exactly what she's doing special that more experienced members can't? As evidenced by Emma, telepaths can take care of controlling the power levels of mutants, so why not send Xavier with Hope at least? Help restore his reputation? Anyway, everything turns out all right and the guy can live to test another day.

Back in the Atlantean column of Utopia, Emma has sushi with Namor has he tries to seduce her unsuccessfully. He asks the million dollar question during this scene:

Really Emma, when are you going to knock this shit off?

Anyway, it's all role-reversal this scene as we recreate someone trying to break up a Cyclops relationship, but with Emma this time being on the side of the tempted. Except Namor sucks at seduction and is just a prick the entire time. Back in the old days, Emma at least tried to act like she cared what Cyclops thought when she was seducing him (up until he went onto how he was possessed), and the entirety of her conversations with him weren't about badmouthing Jean (just partially).

This issue ends with Emma walking down to see the seemingly unconscious Shaw and telling him to 'sleep tight, you bastard' to which he smiles when her back turns. Conclusion: Someone needs to alert Fraction that he's not allowed to write Emma anymore. Also, someone needs to tell him the only romance we need to see more of is the blossoming romance of Danger and Box.

Apologies for being so late on this one, my Saturday was devoted to discovering Warren Ellis' free webcomic Freakangels. I completely recommend it to anyone who likes comics period.

The List #35 Part 2

X-Men Legacy #238
Writer: Mike Carey
Artist: Clay Mann
Come in, sit down, and fix yourself a drink, we've got a lot to snark about. Not so much on Legacy, but trust me, once we get to Uncanny there will be some bitchery. Before we begin let's discuss this cover.

There was this article I went over for my class in Women and Gender Studies two semesters ago about how boys and girls are depicted in greetings cards congradulating parents on their newborn. Boys were usually shown to be playing with toys and generally active with expressive faces while girls were usually shown to be sleeping or passive (in their mothers arms) with little to no emotion on their faces, and this all connected to unconscious perceived value. Well, let's look at this cover. Magneto's alert, and looking to do something about the threat at hand, and he's got his hands 'protectively' *cough*possessively*cough* on Rogue. On the otherhand, Rogue's not mentally there at all and there's no sign that she's looking to act. Even though it's her series right now.

My irritation with the cover aside, so far is Legacy is the only book so far to bounce back on its feet after the crossover. While the other books so far have stumbled as they work themselves back into place, Legacy glides right back to where it was. Also, Clay Mann is back and he's better than ever with his pencils significantly adding to the quality of this issue.

We open this issue with Rogue finding out she needs to bring back Indra to India as his parents have asked for him due to his brother falling into a coma. She chooses to bring Anole, Loa, and Magneto with her, though she does offer a place to someone else -->

Finally Hellion has a believable reaction to the loss of his hands. I knew Carey would be the one to do it too, and I'm glad at least he sees even someone that arrogant is going to be hurting after something like this. Anyway, Hellion decides not to come, but he will be dealt with by Carey soon enough so we're just slapping a bookmark in his story.

Once the team gets to Mumbai it's revealed that Indra's parents intend for him to cease life with the X-Men and marry his brother's fiance since they don't know if he'll come out of it. Also if you were wondering, if you were wondering where Indra's prick gene comes from, I can tell you now that it's totally from his dad. And here I thought it was from him mimicking Nezhno's personality (seriously, they're a bit too similar these days).

Meanwhile the other X-Men are off on a shopping adventure with Magneto on a sidequest to figure out what's up with the weird fluctuations in the E.M. fields. Rogue's outfit choice for this outing only adds more evidence to the comparison of her to Sookie Stackhouse of True Blood (as they were both portrayed with Anna Paquin in the live adaptations and they're very similar roles in these adaptations). See for yourself:

We still love you, Rogue. On the other hand, I still dislike you, Sookeh.

At this point I need to explain what most of this issue was about since I've been dancing around it because it's all connected so you have to put it out in one chunk. Basically, the disturbances in the E.M. field is what brought Magneto to Mumbai and it's causing storms that put people in comas (like Indra's brother). The source of this is some ship floating on above with a crew that's all siblings I guess, and one of them's not going along with it. She decides to make a break for it, and lands down when one of the storm strikes with the X-Men there as well defending against it. Oh and also, the girl's siblings have sentinels and decide to sic them on her. And that's pretty much what happened. Also, Carey has a great handle of Magneto:

I've always seen him as snippy and irritated by others even when he wasn't 'evil'.

Anyway, X-Men Legacy definitely switched gears seamlessly while the other books are more like someone's first time with a stick shift. Do pick this one up if you're looking for a decent X-Book.

Uncanny X-Men #526
Writer: Matt Fraction
Artist: Whilce Portacio
Freshen up your drink, this one's going to be an all-out snarkfest of joy. While Uncanny stumbled like New Mutants this issue, it still had plenty of things about it to make fun of, mostly due to Whilce Portacio and his rape faces.

This issue opens with a focus on the first of the new mutants the X-Men are looking to recruit. She's having a particularly difficult transition, and Angel's totally not helping (bottom right panel). Oh Warren, save it for your grouchy teen band, Angel of Death or Horseman of the Apocalypse or whatever you call it.

Meanwhile other people are planning on adventures such as Hope who's looking to find out about her roots in Alaska and what happened to her parents. Emma's also on a mission, but that's to go wine and dine with Pervy Stark. Also, remember my request to keep Fraction away from the Internet for fear of copy and pasting another 'hip' or 'now' thing in his stories?

It wasn't heard.
Of course he'd reference unfunny bro shit, we always reference what we know.

Anyway, during Hope's journey she takes Dr. Nemesis, Rogue, and Cypher with her. They find out that Hope's mother is confirmed as dead. They also review how many people died because Hope was born:

But not with facial proportions this world typically sees.
Seriously, I know of one person on this planet with a jaw like that and it's noticeable. I even used to refer to him as 'Jaws' since it was his one defining feature.

So Hope finds out a lot of people died the day she was born and she's bum city about it. Rogue moves her hand to comfort her except it's not a hand that belongs to a human. No, it's a hand that belongs to one of those weird vomit guys from that fucking Tool video that every alternative kid lost their shit for back in the day (@2:08). Ugh, I can't stand that video, especially since it seems to be a birthing ground for pointlessly pretentious college 'artists' who haphazardly throw paint at a sheet of paper and call it deep, existential, nihilistic, and whatever other words 'deep' people use. You know the type.

Back to the issue, while resting for the night in a motel Cypher goes over the details of Hope's mother like her name and Dr. Nemesis chastises him for coming off as insensitive. Which is a big deal since Nemesis seems to drink Mountain Douche. It also makes no sense because isn't Cypher our new fix-it-all, know-it-all? I mean if he can figure out the language of viruses, can't he figure out the basic language of social etiquette?

Hope ends up visiting her mother's grave only to encounter her grandmother. Obviously Grams doesn't know who Hope is since Hope should still be a baby considering Marvel's sliding timescale, but this doesn't stop Grams from inviting the total stranger over. From there she tells Hope about her mother who was a firefighter...because of course her mother's occupation had to do with fire. Did she also adopt birds, specifically birds of prey that rose again? Hope tells her of her loss with Cable gone and Grams' sympathy is creepy:

What a rape face. And who the hell smiles when they're expressing their sympathies?
Also, she should sue whoever did her walls, it looks like a 6 year old attacked it with a set of black crayons.

Back with the Science team and Colossus and Kitty, it seems Kitty can't unphase because her body doesn't remember how. Truly tragic. I really do miss her irritating me and threatening to kill my favorite character. Another thing, did anyone else notice that Colossus has a total shelf for an ass? Omigosh, at least Portacio neglected the easy-access hole for this issue or I would've been like, "Kitty, he's using you as a fucking beard." Anyway, back to things that lasted longer than two pages:

The emerging mutant girls has had it. Her hair's falling out, her skins changing color, Portacio's having his way uglying up her face...it's just not her day. Apparently we're meant to know that she's really smart as it's emphasized with every other line she says with things like her SAT scores (1590? Hope that's not counting all three portions or that's hardly impressive. Although seems to me the writing portion is newish). Hope appears and she's like, "Chill, sis," but this girl's had it and jumps. Hope follows her and when she gets a hold of Laurie, the new girl, she causes her to fully mutate, making her the android-ish one who can fly. Afterward Hope guides her back to the rooftop and Laurie decides all of a sudden she's over being angsty about her being a mutant even though it turns her whole life upside down. But hey, it's just like losing a limb according to everyone except Carey, it's totally whatev. And she willingly joins up with the X-Men. End issue.

Conclusion: Obviously this issue is flawed. However, these flaws are fucking hilarious, and I have to say I have found a new favorite artist to pick on and his name is Whilce Portacio. Seriously, I'm so excited for the material he's going to give me next issue. Buy it if you have a sense of snarky humor about this whole 'Five Lights' thing.

Side Story
Writer: Allan Heinberg
Artist: Olivier Coipel
This side story is meant to connect the dots between Magneto being on Utopia not knowing about his maybe-grandsons to showing up at the end of Childrens Crusade #1. It turns out Dr. Nemesis informs Mags about the YA and the possible connection between him and Tommy and Billy. He decides to go ask Cyclops about it who's busy with Colossus and Psylocke rebuilding Utopia. Cyclops is doubtful, and Wolverine steps in to say the Avengers will not allow him near them at all. Cyclops is not unsympathetic to Magneto's desire to meet them, but he tries to be rational with him about it. That's pretty much it for the side story, but I will say Heinberg's Magneto and Cyclops are excellently characterized. Cyclops in particular since Heinberg's version is not a fucking unreasonable douchebag, and acts more like a leader by being rational and sympathetic, even to Magneto. One more thing of note besides that: Who wears short-shorts?

'
Colossus!

Coipel is just forking over material for my new favorite tag "616 colossus might also be gay."
I can't believe Coipel actually thinks that grown, muscular men wear crap like that, especially since I've seen him do it before with Hawkeye. That's more of a look for skinny, twink-y gay guys. I mean, sure, back when they did it in the 80's it almost made sense, but now it's embarrassing. Especially since you know one of Peter's balls of steel is bound to pop out at one point or another. But yeah, that's it for me, hope you all had as much fun with these issues as I did.