The List #18 part 1

Astonishing X-Men #33
Writer: Warren Ellis
Artist: Phil Jimenez
This month we continue on with Astonishing still having a very similar zombie theme to X-Necrosha. It's honestly kind of sad because would this have happened some other time it would've been awesome, but now it just looks like a ripoff. Like don't get me wrong, I love zombie things, just watched Dawn of the Dead and last week played lots of Left 4 Dead 2, but still, there's no real reason why the X-Universe is having two separate zombie stories especially when one is a big crossover.

This issue is pretty much the same on energy level as the last two, it's good, but there's nothing that really sticks out. The first 8 pages are spent discussing what's going on. Except we had a couple pages dedicated to that last issue, so I just want to fucking move on sometime this year and 8 pages is definitely much for a setup of the plot. Especially when part of it is dumbass Hisako asking Brand questions. Seriously? I kept on wondering why the fuck no one was stopping her and telling her her only purpose on the team was to be backup muscle and make cutesy remarks that everyone ignores. Honestly, why the hell is she still on the team? Would she have retained the maturity and intelligence of Whedon's characterization of her, I could mayyyybe see it. But this is just messed up, the book is too serious to have use for some dumb-in-a-cheerleader-way high school girl. Seriously, look at the panel at the right (which is said to Logan when she's told to do something before him) and tell me that she doesn't make you wish she'd die in the next crossover.

Anyway, Brand questioned, fabulous panel of pissed off Emma, and then some Krakoa-like beast attacks and Cyclops does something amazing with his eye beam by splitting the thing in half (Click here for the scene, it's pretty awesome). And then we get two panels of pure faggotry that make me tingle with delight:

I love it when writers remember that Emma and Beast are all cultured and Emma especially has an interest in art. That and the continued adventures of shirtless Cyclops and Wolverine. Who are shirtless together again.

Not a whole lot else happened besides the team going to the ship chilling in the sky nearby and finding out some mutant from the past's corpse is doing it. Emma's dialogue was mostly good, she was a bit of a Chatty Cathy this issue and it ended up quantity over quality since some of her dialogue was really weak. But she was mostly irreverent so at least there's someone who has an idea of how to write Emma Frost these days. Egh, if you bought the last few issues, buy this one and if you didn't, do not.

Dark Avengers #12
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Artist: Mike Deodato Jr. (mostly)
This issue is a disappointment. This time around we get Victoria Hand being objectified as she is a lesbian now or at least bisexual, so she obviously is a dirty creature and likes to be humiliated by being stripped (seriously, I don't find her being stripped around the time that her sexuality is revealed a coincidence, though it's probably more along the idiot mentality of "Lesbians are really sexy if they're, like, really hot").

Anyway, that and Molecule Man is being a villain of insanity that no one cares about since we've already got insane villains, on a team actually. You may heard of them, they're called the Dark Avengers? He's mundane.

And we get nude Osborn a lot which I keep finding weird since this happens too often. And he's older. And I really weird to see the face of an at least 50 year old man drawn with the body of much younger man. Seriously, even older men who get ripped still show signs of aging in their bodies. And why Osborn? The Sentry might actually have a fan if you showed him naked!

Which brings me to the next thing. This issue also focused on the Sentry doing amazing things that would be cool, given anyone cared about him. But they don't so every time Dark Reign has even shown the spotlight on the Sentry for a second has been a second wasted since no one likes an annoying god-like figure who's just always dying and coming back worse than Jean Grey.

My prediction is that Victoria Hand and The Sentry probs will die once Dark Reign finishes. Or at least that's what I'm praying to The Divas That Be for. One amazing thing did happen this issue though:

Moonstone definitely went back to being Norman's right hand, and it's beautiful because she got into character immediately to help manipulate the Sentry while everyone else was confused and didn't know how to act. Moonstone is manipulative, and it should be emphasized how quick on her feet she can be about acting.

Overall, boring issue, do not waste your cash. This is pretty unfortunate considering I like this title overall, but this past arc has been iffy.

Dark Wolverine #81
Writer: Daniel Way and Marjorie Liu
Artist: Giuseppe Camuncolli
Checking in on Wolverine for a Moonstone appearance and I have to say I'm not sad to have ignored the title for the past few months. Nothing has changed, it's still a crap title with horrible art. I say just give the back book to that damned Logan and hopefully it will make one of his other title go away.

This issue basically poorly characterizes Moonstone and tries to make people think Daken is 'badass'. Anddd he's just a tired imitation, as I've said before. Anyway, Moonstone is poorly done in these ways:

a. Her inner monologue which lasts about 5 pages is absurdly general. She talks about people and secrets the entire time or masks or something similar. And none of it is anything most people have not heard before. It's so plain, it's really sad that there are two writers working on this piece of shit. One thing that's fun is that when she lands there's a panel dedicated to her boots which is wonderfully divalicious.

b. Moonstone was the shit stirrer of the Thunderbolts during Ellis' run. She had her nose in everyone's business, she had no real alliances and she was just in it for herself. The same idea stands now, or at least it does if a writer has any idea how to write her character. So I call poor writing on her 'shock' as the 'revelation' that Daken is out to screw everyone over. Aren't all the Dark Avengers??

c. And to add a vicious insult to injury, they made her admiration of Daken go from interest of his mind based on her being a shrink to Twilight-like infatuation. An interest in Daken's mind is understandable, I'd feel similarly though he would not be the first Dark Avenger who's mind I'd want to probe. But this bullshit of her seeming like she's in Bella Swan-like admiration of him is so very out-of-character.

To close, do not buy this issue and do not spend a single cent on the Dark Wolverine deal.

To conclude on the post, I know it has been a lot of ranting about the fail of this week's comics, but I've still got part two to do with X-Factor, X-Force, and X-Men Legacy and the reviews for those are going to be more positive.

The List #12

Astonishing X-Men #31
Writer: Warren Ellis
Artist: Phil Jimenez

First and foremost I would like to welcome back Astonishing after all this time, most importantly Phil Jimenez who is ideal for this book. That aside, this issue did not wow. Ten pages were spent explaining Abby Brand's situation and the Brood deal. Could have been done in five. Also, I have to wonder what is with the upgrade of Abby Brand's position. She continued into Ellis' Astonishing, is especially featured this arc, probably the most important supporting role in Spider-Woman, and a main character role in the upcoming S.W.O.R.D. I would not question this so much, but she's sort of a stock character. Hardass military woman. Lots of women fill the role in the Marvel universe.

This issue also welcomes back Emma's long-forgotten fangs. Seriously, the bitch is back and Ellis is finally understanding what it means to write her. There are definitely ample bitch faces throughout the issue which is like a personal present of love from Jimenez. He also does another character amazingly:

The Storm shots were epic as long as they weren't from faraway since they tended to get blob-y then.

I have to ask though, who picked out the Astonishing team? The power set is horrible. Three physically-based mutants (Beast, Armor, and Wolverine). Laser eyes with Cyclops. Weather-based powers with Storm. And telepath/physical Emma Frost. This team is definitely poorly balanced power-wise. Like horrifically, I can't imagine how they get things done. And I definitely have a vote for who should be kicked outtttttt. Luckily, Hisako's role this issue was extremely minimal.

This issue centers around getting Agent Brand's plummeting spaceship safely taken care of. She's predictably saved, ship not so much. But the best part is the end of the issue as Emma senses "Laurie Collins". Amazing panels except:

What is with the Farrah Fawcett hair? Seriously, please fix this hair don't, Jimenez.

The revelation is that it's not Laurie, and she goes like a Transformer into a sentinel. Well. Like a Sentinel made by the Evil Dead. Closing thoughts: Despite its underwhelming return, Astonishing is still one of the best X-Books so buy it!

Uncanny X-Men #516
Writer: Matt Fraction
Artist: Greg Land

This issue focuses on simply two things for once: Scalphunter's boring subplot and Magneto wanting to join the X-Men. Lame indeed, Fraction's two recruits could not be more horribly picked out. Two arrogant men. With Cyclops. Yeah. Honestly, this issue just served to prove Fraction can't entertain for crap. Here's a few moments of interest:

He later on explains that the machine that restored his powers made him feel like he was a twenty year old man again. Oh Fraction. Also, when Magneto came back Xavier burst into a full diva routine. Seriously, he was like the angry ex-boyfriend. Who especially peeved that his ex-BF wasn't there for him. Hmmm..... Anyway, this panel was also quite hilarious:

I so want to talk to someone like this. Open my mouth super-wide to say two brief words.

Sic him, Psylocke's ass!
It's all you see of her during her appearance. Maybe that's the source of her power.

Conclusion: Leave this one of the shelf.

Astonishing X-men #30 Review

Writer: Warren Ellis
Artist: Simone Bianchi

To start off, the first thing I noticed about this issue was the change in the positions of Emma and Storm on the cover which was a REALLY smart move. Before Storm looked sort of confusing and Emma was crunched into the background, and it was just Humberto Ramos positioning. What is Humberto Ramos positioning you may ask?

It's cramping people together and not using your space wisely. Some characters are barely seen (X-23 is right by Colossus' arm, blink and you'll miss her) and then some characters take up too much room (Colossus). Many readers seem to think he's a "wonderful" artist, but fucking A, he positions characters like I did when I was 12! This man is paid to deliver, so why not criticize an inability to make wise use of the space. That's Drawing 101 shit! I know, I just took it last semester.
Anyway, props to whoever was in charge of the cover change. Now to the story!

The X-Men are confronting Forge, he's very obviously out of his mind and they talk about the whole "new mutants" thing. We know Forge is crazy, and he apparently displays it openly.

In a metal thong. Good f$%^ing heavens.

The X-Men continue discussing how Forge did not "make" new mutants like he thinks he did and the unthinkable happens.

Forge insults Emma, and she says nothing! I'm sorry, she is not above kicking a man when he's down and she should've went on about how no one cares for Forge. Later on in the issue it was made clear it was an insecurity of his, so it would've been an effective shot.

So Forge, being the boring person that he is, tries to make a case for his sanity all the while threatening to sic his Cenobites on the X-Men should they tick him off. It's really mundane and predictable.
Something to note though is the poor quality of the art. The sharpness of previous issues is really absent and everything has a flawed watercolor feel to it. That and Emma looks like a cross between the Little Mermaid and a bad anime character.

In the middle of redundant plots moves, something even more unfortunate occurs.

Ellis tries to be trendy. It fails miserably.
Still here, Hisako? That's a shame.

The phone call is from Abby Brand and she's got a big honkin' laser pointed at Forge's location since she knows there's a ghost box in there. For the first time, I genuinely have love for Miss Brand because in this case the X-Men are playing it like stupid motherfuckers. After seeing his freak creations who have power dampeners, who's very existence demonstrates mental instability within him, they charge and note that they're losing their powers. Even if they succeeded in beating Forge, the fact is they took a huge risk and very unprepared.

Wolverine cuts off Forge's leg, apparently the source of the power inhibitor. And heaven and hell open up before us:

First, jesus Ellis, did you not pay attention to Whedon's writing? Hisako is meant to be generally levelheaded and refreshingly human. Not a fucking dits! Even if you wrote her right, Hisako, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!

Second, I have to say it always excites me to no end when I see a telepath reach for their head. Go Miss Frost! Liquify Forge's synapses!

In desperation, Forge opens the Ghost Box and sends his new mutants to keep the X-Men there.
But the X-Men do something I love every time I see it:

They flash their powers in a group shot and oh the nostalgia because this is the scene that plays in my head every time I see something like this.

Meanwhile, Storm tries to appeal to Forge to get out of there. And then this gem shows up:

Group shot and homoerotic undertones!
But seriously boys, keep the spanking in the bedroom.

Problem going on here is the team is strapped for time since Beast said for Brand to lock on the phone's position and shoot the laser there soon. Storm gives up on Forge and blasts a path for them with her weather powers. In a scene I feel is so reminiscent of the animated series, I just wish she would've shouted out one of her weather haikus. "Thunder, destroy the freaks my ex-lover has created!" For real, I would've cried tears of joy to see that.

The team leaves, the laser is shot, and Forge is "dead" until he's needed again. From there, he will have some insane explanation for his surviving a massive laser. Anyway, the ghost box teleports the laser beam, frying those who would hope to invade earth and the mission is done. Things wrap up in conversation, finishing the Ororo/Scott conflict built up earlier and other things. The end for now.

Overall, the art has suffered a lot this issue. Plus, yet again Astonishing is hindered by a slow artist, not that I don't think he's phenomenally talented, but he's slow. And yet again, we had the problems of delays that make people think that Astonishing is now a subpar book that most have dropped. Ellis writes more plot-based than character-based in my opinion and it shows in his inability to write Emma or Hisako. Unfortunately, he chose a plot going over M-Day AGAIN, which was overdone when it started, but now it's ridiculously mundane. Still, as subpar as the arc is, Astonishing is still better and will always continue to be better than Fraction's Uncanny or anyone in recent year's Uncanny. I'd honestly choose Astonishing over a lot of the other X-Books, delays and all because it's closest to giving the A-Game that Morrison was all about when he was doing New X-Men.

Speaking of New X-Men, seems Bianchi is thankfully leaving and PHIL JIMENEZ is taking over as artist. He had a stint on New X-Men way back when and it was HEAVEN. And he probably won't be a delay-y kind of guy since I believe this was during the bi-weekly period. Seriously, I'm ridiculously excited for him to come aboard and restore Astonishing to its former glory.

Not to ruin the positive mood, but am I the only one bothered by Ororo's mutating head ornament thing? It's a living thing that is growing and now resembles a tick! Possibly the subject of Ellis' upcoming arcs? Here's hoping!

Astonishing X-men #29 Review

Writer: Warren Ellis

Artist: Simone Bianchi

First things first: Gorgeous cover!! Finally a cover without Wolverine and featuring this team's best members.

Now, I must criticize, Ellis does not seem to understand that Emma is not helpless without her powers. There is an issue of Generation X that is dedicated to this. She has self defense training; as any pole dancer, in her case ex, should have. I don't doubt Storm is superior to her in that arena since Storm led a team for a long time without powers, but Emma should not be saying she cannot protect herself.

Then it's onto Forge talk where we hear about the events of M-Day and the Messiah Complex. Again! Did you forget them? I'm sure we talked about them last issue and the issue before, but in case you forgot!

Hisako is the biggest WTF of the team. She joined because she got pulled into a mess, but she should've been off the team as soon as they returned to Earth. And now she's shot which I'd be happy about except she loves to whine and make "cutesy" remarks:

Cyclops: "Why the fuck is she still on the team?
Wolverine: "Y'know, I forget."
Just look at their poses and tell me that's not what they're thinking. Speaking of looking at their poses:

Every time I read Astonishing with Bianchi I wonder why I'm getting turned on and then I look at the near nudity of the men. Also, their posing is just so gay porn-y, seriously look through an Astonishing some time. Not that I'm complaining though! I fucking love it, Bianchi should make a porno comic after this stint.

Continuing, normally I hate extended fight scenes, but the two-page Storm-will-cut-a-bitch version was HEAVEN. If Storm were to be depowered again and put as head of a team it would be heavenlier because she knows how to kick some ass.

Also, the return of threats from Miss Frost was wonderful. Tacky bitchy humor out of Uncanny has left me questioning if this is my character, but Astonishing always reminds me that she is still the torture happy psycho I fell in love with.

Now the part I absolutely climaxed at was this entire page:

I would buy 30 of this fucking issue just for that page. Finally, the idiotic argument about Emma will feel about X-Force gets commentary because we who REALLY know Emma knows she would not give a fuck. She just did it now and even volunteered to cover for Cyclops. Then he PMSes over her lying thing. As if he did not know this about the ex-White Queen. He knows she'd lie to him if she thought it was right, but he should know that she will come to him when the time is right for her to tell him. To end the pointless argument on the planet of who will freak out over who's secret (Emma's Cabal and Scott's X-Force), Emma would be like, "...K, I have to go torture somebody. Oh by the way dear, I'm working with Osbourne to protect us from the government," and then Cyclops would have a man-child explosion as usual.

Now onto part 2 of my "Hisako, why are you here?" section:

You see the look again? They're wondering. And you know, there is one fucking fantastic line missing from here that would shut this endlessly annoying girl up (First line only:

Seriously Miss Frost, get on the ball.

To end my post, I want to comment on Bianchi's work since in my opinion it has significantly improved. The women no longer look like trannies and the men are sexual looking as ever. And this has to be one of my favorite panels of a gorgeous Miss Frost from this issue (though I question wearing hoops to any mission):