The List 37

New Avengers #3
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Artist: Stuart Immomen
This. Issue. Is. So. Chatty.
To open, this issue the dimension of the world tears and all sorts of demons are let out. The New Avengers engage them in battle and from there it is a complete and total chat-fest. We learn crucial information about our heroes such as Ms. Marvel has never seen Ghostbusters. Normally casual dialogue during a fight scene would have been welcome, even entertaining, but considering the amount of it and who it was between made it excessive. Who was it between you now may wonder? Spider-Man and The Thing. I understand it's part of Spider-Man's 'thing' to yak like my Aunt Louise, but Bendis was beating us over the head with it this time. And of course, everything The Thing says annoys the piss out of me.

Meanwhile, Jessica had a solo battle scene as she attempted to get to the Avengers Mansion, and that was decent for what it was. Except she was going to get her fricking child who needs to make like Wanda's kids and disappear until its needed for a teen series. Also, in the end she got overwhelmed by the demons, but was saved by the timely arrival of Vicky Hand...

...And a massive fucking gun!!

Seriously, who'd she steal this thing off of, Cable in the 90's? Anyway, she's starting to prove she's actually useful to the team, and that's all well and good. Meanwhile, Iron Fist is trapped in a dimension of whiteout with two disembodied voices bickering over what they need to do to get the Eye of Agamotto from him. It's finally revealed that the person trying to get to the Eye as well as this arc's main villain is none other than Dr. Strange's former master/teacher/magic trainer guy. Oh noes!

Also during this issue the magic guys are in perpetual state of bitchery with each other over what needs to be done. They can't even get their shit together to quickly leave the fight scene to discuss what needs to be done. It seriously took so many word bubbles before they left, I can't believe one of the Avengers didn't turn around and bitch at them to knock it off. At the very least Daimon Hellstrom remained shirtless and in tight leather pants the whole time, so it wasn't a total waste of page time. Ohhhh just look at him pose all sexy-like.

Hey now, stop playing with your nipples while Dr. Strange is talking!

...On second thought, keep going. At least it's something new considering once the magic guys finally left they ended up having a conversation that only repeated what was gone on. It's like I said: This issue is CHATTY.

Conclusion: This issue was one of my 'more-fun-to-make-fun-of' issues. It was good in some parts...like the Daimon Hellstrom ones. He's just bucking to be my new comic book boyfriend considering my former boyfriend Warpath is now exiled to the terrifying void of character limbo. But seriously, this issue's excessive chatter will probably grate on your nerves, so beware.

Avengers Academy #3
Writer: Christos Gaga
Artist: Mike McKone
This issue opens by expanding on Hazmat's past and how her powers ruined her near-perfect life and how Osborn continued to screw it up. Which is foreshadowing of things to come.

Reptil finally got his kiss from Finesse this issue. It was weird, mainly because the way Finesse is so robotic about it makes her seem like she's doing it for money...ya know? And of course after that Stryker makes a comment on how there are a few things he hasn't tried, but luckily, Finesse is not interested.

The A.A. instructors (which I'm sure for a few of them works both ways) are having a themed week of having the students work with superheroes like Iron Fist and Valkyrie. The one to actually care about is Valkyrie's appearance talking to the girls because with it we get this revelation--->

Tygra's a feminist? Seriously? So now I have to take her seriously instead of just comparing her to Tyra Banks? Dammit. Oh well, I'm sure I'll have a problem with her brand of feminism, I already dislike that she's bringing up her status as a feminist as a nuisance. For f@#$'s sake, Ty-Ty, don't play to that 'annoying feminist' crap, half the people who are tired of it barely have a f$%ing clue what it's about. Someone who's got their shit right though is Valkyrie:

I love her for this!

I know, I'm male, I shouldn't side with female supremacy, but I'm a big supporter of women saying, 'I'll do it my goddamned self, useless male!' especially with that mindf#@% Twilight being as popular as it is. Anyway, might actually tune into the Valkyrie one-shot coming up next week if there's more independent woman-loving goodness in it.

Meanwhile it turns out there's a big 'Scared Straight' thing going on soon with the students visiting The Raft that houses the Thunderbolts as well as many supervillans including Normy Norm. With this, Hazmat is planning to go fuck Osborn's day up when they get to The Raft, and manages to get Veil and Mettle in on it. Also it seems we're going to be having 'A Very Special Avengers Academy' soon as it seems Speedball is still cutting to feel.

The A.A.'s tour of The Raft is sketchy to start off with. And by sketchy I mean it's lucky that the cell doors have no holes in them because it would've been Silence of the Lambs all over again. Ugh. Ghost and Juggernaut are brought in individually to talk to the students, and Ghost goes off ranting about 'THE MAN' and just serving to reinforce my dislike for those types (as a college goer I encounter them and their Che Guevara shirts frequently). Juggernaut is oddly straightforward and helpful which is surprising since I thought he was still in "IM EVIL AGAIN!" mode. Oh well, guess that means his power levels are all of a sudden reduced again as well....

From there she recognizes he's using his angsty Penance energy signature rather than his Speedball one. And with that another point goes to Dr. Karla Sofen.

It seems Moonstone was called in to evaluate the kids as a group through observation. She's less than helpful, but at least she gets a massive dig in at Speedball. I don't actually have anything against Robbie, I just bitches being bitchy. From there Hazmat causes a blackout where her, Mettle, and Veil sneak off to go visit Osborn, and that pretty much leads to the events of the connecting issue of Thunderbolts.

Conclusion, this issue is a bit of a letdown considering the previous issues, but it's still a decent one, especially the Valkyrie part.

Thunderbolts #147
Writer: Jeff Parker
Artist: Kev Walker
Did sales really plummet during Dark Reign or something? Because it seems there's a big push to get the Thunderbolts to mix it up with all the newer series as well as the latest crossover. I mean let's look at is: There's this issue with the A.A., the next two issues tie-in to Shadowland, and after that is a crossover between them and the Avengers. I know that even before Ellis' run, Thunderbolts has been a book that usually connects to other events going on in the MU (Civil War, Secret Invasion), but they generally stuck to one for at least an arc those times.

Returning to the cliffhanger of four Thunderbolts left to take on the creatures in the cave, it seems even in reduced numbers they can make short work of the creatures. A point of interest is Man-Thing saving Moonstone from one of the things with her saying, "I'll be staying on your good side." Yeah, and hoping Man-Thing doesn't remember that you were there when Ares chopped him in half I bet. (Speaking of my favorite god besides Jean, apparently Ares is getting resurrected soon! Yay comic book deaths!)

From there we get a brief look at the aftermath and then the next scene is directly after the blackout happens with the prisoners getting out. Songbird encounters trouble with this and Moonstone does the right thing:

Unfortunately, instead of Songbird and her bad haircut getting violently murdered by the overwhelming number of prisoners attacking her, the Troll girl they picked up last issue ends up helping her and saving the day. As if I didn't already dislike this 'raised-in-the-wild!!' character as it was, now she's just adding fuel to the hate fire by helping the ever-annoying Songbird. You can bet Moonstone and I were less than thrilled by those results (Moonstone's reaction being actually on-panel, but you can bet I was reacting the same off-panel). Meanwhile, you'll never guess who gets out (not kidding):

Purple Man!
This is some serious shit because if you haven't read Alias, let me inform you Purple Man is a seriously sick fuck and he messed with Jessica in one of the worst ways possible.

Cage then responds by taking on every guy who Purple Man is controlling with Purple Man afterwards simply telling Cage that he can just take him over. However, it seems Cage has nanites in him specifically designed to block him out, and then he fucking headbutts that asshole! Jessica married a good man *sniff*.

U.S. Agent is also having trouble with prisoners, especially with them thinking nothing of him as he's now without two limbs. In response the man gets out of his wheelchair and personally fucks up the day of every one of those assholes. This would be his victory pose-->

Meanwhile we get more reformed Juggernaut crap as it seems he helps two prisoners break out, but it's revealed he just led them to the jellyfish defenses. In the end, everything's recovered, no one dies which means Hazmat doesn't end up killing Osborn next issue like she had planned (not much of a spoiler there).

Conclusion: Definitely an improvement from last issue, but Songbird not dying was definitely a minus. Someday Moonstone and I will have our wishes come true, but until then Melissa lives to annoy another day.