The List #5

Dark X-Men: The Beginning #2

Writer #1: Paul Cornell
Artist #1: Leonard Kirk

Before I begin, I just have to compliment the cover artists Jae Lee and June Chung for their work on this series. Their covers are gorgeous and what they're doing on such a half-assed project as this is beyond me.

The first story is about Norman bullying Cloak and Wall*Mart brand Dazzler into joining the Dark X-Men. It is really as unremarkable as that and honestly Norman bullies [insert name] into joining the Dark X-Men seems to be the general idea for this book. What's worse is Norman right now is already getting too much exposure, aka the Wolverine treatment, and his character is losing it's strong appeal. Written correctly, he is a creative and fun villain marching to the beat of his own drummer and forcing everyone else to join him. Written like he is here, he's just...Doom. Loki. Magneto under Fraction. He's anybody.

Writer #2: Marc Bernardin and Adam Freeman
Artist #2: Michael Lacombe

Norman bullies Weapon Omega to join the Dark X-Men. I'm sad to see two writers attached to a one third story. That felt totally unoriginal. Worst of all was the artist who gave as an anger-inducing portrayal of the human face:

He looks like Dave Williams from Desperate Housewives. Dave Williams was a character that was pathetic, had a baby face on an older man, and tried to play pity party since he was dealt a bad hand. Except he keeps on fucking things up for himself. Anyway, I hated the character upon meeting him and am glad he's dead so you can imagine how pissy I am to see an artist who's stock male face is Dave f#$%ing Williams.

Also, what is it with Norman and bald men? Seriously, Thunderbolts had Bullseye, Marc Gargan as Venom, bald both ways btw, Radioactive Man, Penance, and Swordsman, who shaved his head in one of Ellis' arcs, were ALL BALD. Then when Osborn recruits more people he gets the mohawked Daken, Mystique to impersonate the BALD Xavier, and Weapon Omega. I know there were other men recruited who had hair, but you have to admit, all male Thunderbolts under Osborn being bald and Norman recruiting more just seems very odd to me considering I don't see bald heads on non-senior males often. Like are there any bald ones left? Is he just going to resort to Cassandra Nova next?

Writer #3: Rob Williams
Writer #3: Paco Diaz

Norman bullies Daken into joining the Dark X-Men. Then they also add in the "badass" factor of having Norm and Dak talk about their being crazy and bullshit. Falls flat. Luckily, the writer had total bitch critics like me in mind and partially soothed the asshole within by making these lame "badass" men do what the only thing I think they're good for: taking their clothes off and flexing some muscles!

There's also a panel of him in a thong, but I suspected Photobucket would just delete that.

I know it's sexist of me to say, but good f#%$ing heavens I am so done with forced "badass" characters. I mean Norman is, just not when he's written as poorly as he is here. Final word: Leave this book on the shelvees where it belongs.

Dark Reign: Young Avengers #2
Writer: Paul Cornell
Artist: Mark Brooks

To start, I have to say I love the Gawker media-style blog intro pages. Next, wtf was with the first page? Black with word bubbles of no-new information panels of various news networks relaying what went on with the Young Avengers deal. Absolute waste of space. This issue was not Cornell's best...and I've never really liked Brooks much.

Next I have to say that half of these new Young Avengers I want dead by the end of the arc. Egghead, the Executioner, and "badass" Big Zero. BZ and Eggles are just dumb douchebags. The Executioner is on my shit list in a severe, I-will-ruin-his-name-for-forever-should-he-survive-this-arc way. Here's why:

I consider cat-killing, even in fictional form, a mortal sin. I was absolutely pissed to see this and honestly I hope his death is as disrespectful as an Ultimatum death.

The issue in general had extremely awkward sounding dialogue to me. I just could not see any people talking to each other like that, or replying to someone's thoughts in the way the characters were. Maybe it's just me. Here's an example of the awkwardness:

That and Teddy referred to Billy as William. WTF? Was that a sad attempt at mild humor or cutesyness? Because it fell flat. Finishing up the awkward point, did anyone else find Vision's dramatic scene of wanting to shut down Egghead overdramatic and that his reaction being that strong came out of nowhere?

Closing statements, bad issue, we're dealing with a new set of Young Avengers who are totally half-baked characters who I hope become casulaties of Dark Reign. Even though I only remember Swordsman as the only death thus far. Anyway, when I have more space next time I'm going to set up a list of characters who should die to up the "seriousness" of the Dark Reign deal. Meaning an excuse to send shitty characters to their grave.

Exiles #5
Writer: Jeff Parker
Artist: Casey Jones

This marks the before last issue of this fun reboot to the Exiles series. It's unfortunate, but gives me a chance to talk about series as a whole since I don't have much to say on the issue besides acknowledging that I read it.

Honest truth, this series won't be one I'm heart broken to see go. It was one of those series I wanted to like more than I actually did since I know the formula was right, but I just wasn't being sucked into it. Parker used a wonderful team and even made me like some of the versions he presented in this series more likable to me than their 616 counterparts. Parker's Polaris is a wonderfully twist: From 616 Perpetual Damsel in Distress or mentally unstable character to a true warrior.

Honestly, I feel like Parker tried hard, but just did not bring his A-Game which was absolutely necessary to get this book back after the severe damage done by Claremont. At times the book was too kid-ish and sort of cheesy, especially with the Polaris and Scarlet Witch "sisters" thing. Anyway, more thoughts next issue and I'd say this issue would be worth picking up as long as you're not on a tight, amazing-books-only budget.

Ultimatum X-Men: Requiem
Writer: Aron E. Coleite
Artist: Ben Oliver

I have to apologize before I begin this because this may be a long read, but this is essentially my RIP to the Ultimate universe. I only enjoyed the X-Men part of it and I read just today that the Ultimate teams of no interest in the X-Men deal right now anyway. Not that it matters, all my favorite characters are dead or ruined for good.

I have to say, it was sad to see an original and entertaining universe get degraded to 616-lite. The last arc was used to feature a totally pointless side quest with Rogue and added on more disrespectful deaths, including my favorite, Ultimate Psylocke. Rather than use the whole team together to be epic together one more time, we get this bullshit?

I'm also equally pissed with Ultimatum. If I've loved them, they've died or have been ruined. Gambit, Dazzler, Psylocke, and Emma Frost are all dead. And finally, Northstar, who may only be confined to a wheelchair but honestly do you think he'll ever do anything past cameo ever again?

Most irksome death? Psylocke because she was added in as a last-minute death for the hell of it. And she had the most value. A character, who in the 616 universe is needing some adjusting and TLC, gets the reset button and when certain things are repeated like her transferring her conscious, we get an even better result. What we get is Betsy in an underage body. This is good because it's extremely wrong if they objectify her and ridiculous if they try to make her just a warrior character. The result was a return to Betsy long gone from us, the Betsy of the Aussie years. No SEX APPEAL IN YOUR FACE. No warrior crap. Betsy with creative thinking, questionable morals, and the eyes that catch everything.

To get to the issue a bit, I have to say where are Storm and Colossus? Also, finally Rogue is useful now she's perma-Juggernaut empowered, but at the last fucking minute. Why writers keep her to just her basic powers irks me because then Rogue gets sidelined all the time or her stories are sort of taken down a super hero notch so she can be useful. Another pissy thing is the battered Jean we see. Honestly, she's not even an imitation of Jean 616 anymore, she's a pathetic whimper next to that wonderful character. And it's sad because her original Ultimate personality was amazing.

I do have to give massive compliments to the artist Ben Oliver, this new style is a lot smoother and honestly a lot less ugly than his grittier take earlier in Ult X-Men. Also, I actually found myself LOVING Shadowcat's new costume and I loved that she had guts in a GENUINE badass moment in this issue where she stabbed Sabretooth with Logan's claws.

One last note: Anyone else notice Storm's the only survivor of the Aussie-revival team?
Bishop, Angel, Wolverine, Daz, Psylocke, and Pyro are allll dead.
To conclude, this book is worth buying I think, but it's sad to think that this is the end result of the Ultimate X-Men.

Tracking the Cameo Queens: Psylocke; Real Name Betsy Braddock

This is probably the last of the official cameo queens considering everyone else following is probably debatable. For this post we have the sometimes British, sometimes Asian siren Psylocke aka Betsy Braddock.

Who, like Dazzler, is also a Cover Queen:


She also gets the distinction of being one of the heroes on the Marvel 70th anniversary frame.

Uncanny X-Men #504
# of panels: 1
# of lines: 0
# of times she uses her powers: 0
Craption: None.
She simply appears in a flashback. Wouldn’t count it if it weren’t Fraction. She also graces the cover twice, one as Brit Betsy and the other as Asian Betsy.

Uncanny X-Men #508
# of panels: 10, I count both bodies.
# of lines: 3
# of times she uses her powers: 0
Craption: None
Psylocke plus her British body make an appearance as Betsy’s consciousness is placed in her revitalized old body and she’s all like WTF?
Ok, not really, but WTF sums it up better.

Uncanny X-Men #509
# of panels: 9 counting both bodies.
# of lines: 1
# of times she uses her powers: 0
Craption: None.
Betsy just shows up to have her story explained and then get put under the mental command of the Red Queen. All in a day’s work for a cameo queen. She also gets the cover with both her bodies again just like in #504. Truly an attention whore.

Uncanny X-Men #510
# of panels: 11
# of lines: 5
# of times she uses her powers: 4
Craption: None.
Possessed Psylocke shows up to fight Wolverine, one of her old teammates. So repetitive it could be an episode of Charmed.

Uncanny X-Men #511
# of panels: 32
# of lines: 22
# of times she uses her powers: 4
Craption: Telekinetic psychic. Ninja. Back home. At last.
Betsy fights the X-Men for the Sisterhood. Dazzler fries her original body’s face off, so Psylocke offs herself to get back to the Asian one. She fights the possession is a very unoriginal, Ms. Marvel vs. Rogue way. Then she’s all better and in her Asian body. Joins the team.

Uncanny X-Men #512
# of panels: 24
# of lines: 7
# of times she uses her powers: 2
Craption: Psychic ninja. Recent addition. Out of sorts.
Psylocke’s function here is to be pretty and fight off the people attacking the X-Science Club.

Uncanny X-Men #513
# of panels: 2
# of lines: 0
# of times she uses her powers: 0
Craption: None
This issue we only get a panel of her in the background facing her and one behind her while standing next to Dazzler. Clearly, she’s taking lessons from Diva. And in true learning from the Diva she gets a FABULOUS Bianchi variant cover.

Uncanny X-Men #514
# of panels: 8
# of lines: 8
# of times she uses her powers: 0
Craption: Telepathic, telekinetic ninja. Long story.
This issue Betsy definitely got the most love out of the four official cameo queens. She's got lines, she is essentially leader of an operation to go underwater. It was difficult to tell if she was saying all the lines that had no obvious person linked to them, but from what I could tell it was her. She even got a craption, something none of the other queens managed to get.

Dark Avengers/Uncanny X-Men: Utopia
# of panels: 1
# of lines: 0
# of times she uses her powers: 0
Craption: None
Psylocke’s face is barely seen in the one panel she does appear in which is when the X-Men are gathered around the TV.

X-Men Legacy #226
# of panels: 2
# of lines: 1
# of times she uses her powers: 0
Betsy appears for a line and then runs off with Kurt. She’s just too good for panel time.

Dark Avengers #8
# of panels: 5
# of lines: 3
# of times she uses her powers: 1, uses her telepathy for an underwater conversation.
Psylocke keeps her cameoing strong as she probably once again has the most valuable page time out of all the cameo queens.

Tracking the Cameo Queens: Northstar; Real Name: Jean-Paul Beaubier

For this post we follow the X-Men's resident me, an arrogant French gay man, Northstar aka Jean-Paul Beaubier.

Uncanny X-Men #508
# of panels: 12
# of lines: 15
# of times using his powers: 1
Craption: Superhuman speed, flight, and endurance. CEO and brand visionary, Team Northstar Extreme Snowsports.
Probably the appearance with the most quality, this marks Northstar rejoining the X-Men. Here Northstar introduces us to an actual boyfriend. Y’know? Not like Austen degrading him by making him pathetically lusting after hetero/closeted Iceman. That’s a mistake a gay man makes when he’s first coming out, not now. He’s cocky, sassy, and absolutely fabulous. He also essentially called out Austen from the beyond by saying he doesn’t want to be the X-Men’s gay mascot which is how Austen used him. And he mentions poutine much to my delight. I’ve only had one so far this year and I’m not entirely sure if that’s a good or bad thing.

Uncanny X-Men #509
# of panels: 15
# of lines: 26
# of times using his powers: 2
Craption: Fastest and Newest X-Man
Northstar in this issue gets caught up in a pointless interview and it’s absolutely mundane. Then later on he goes out and parties with the Queen of the Cameo Queens, Dazzler. And Pixie. Who he claims is legal to drink in Canada which must mean she fed him some bullshit or writers aged her due to Land’s purifying because Canada is 19 and Quebec is 18. I come from Northern Maine, Canadian drinking ages is required knowledge. He also nudges Scott about his problems with Emma before the Sisterhood attacks. The best part of this issue is the image below. Seriously, if there’s anything I’ve learned from Sailor Moon, Dazzler, and Angewomon when she shot her Celestial Arrow is everyone hit the deck when you see the Diva Finger.

Uncanny X-Men #510
# of panels: 1
# of lines: 0
# of times using his powers: 0
Craption: None
Following in the footsteps of his Cameo Master hag, Diva Daz, Northstar makes an obscure appearance of pure Cameotic Artistery.

Uncanny X-Men #511
# of panels: 4
# of lines: 2
# of times using his powers: 1
Craption: Speed. Flight. Light Manipulation. Doesn’t know any better.
Northstar’s only line is sort of a blatantly cutting through the BS of Wolvie and Cyclops’ mangst. Which Fraction labels as “Doesn’t know any better.” More like doesn’t give a fuck. That and he gets one more word “No.” He’s become a quick study in Daz’s Diva School of Cameo Queening.

Uncanny X-Men #514
# of panels: 6
# of lines: 1
# of times using his powers: 0
Craption: None
This issue, Northstar attempts to mimic his hag master with the cameo crotch, but fails. He quickly recovers with a pose on the motorcycle that just BEGS for Land. Later on, he, like Diva, gets a flat one line, but he manages to not even be seen saying it.

Secret Invasion X-Men #2
# of panels: 3
# of lines: 1/2
# of times using his powers: 1
Craption: In Northstar’s Post-500 debut we find him and his sister on one page using their powers. Our cameo queen doesn’t even get a full line because he’s sharing it with his sister. Maybe he was rendered speechless by the presence of his man crush, the perpetually closeted Iceman. Oh and he has an appearance in an X-Men Briefing.

Dark Avengers/Uncanny X-Men: Utopia
# of panels: 4
# of lines: 1
# of times using his powers: 1
Craption: Strong. Fast. Canadian.
Northstar’s presence in this issue is showing up for the protest, but then when the riot comes he flees the scene as the closeted hicktarded men try to get on top of him. And good for him! Good fucking heavens they’re a headache, especially post-afterglow. Then he appears while Ares threatens the gays. With leather daddy attacking action. He also gets a cover appearance this issue!

X-Men Legacy #227
# of panels: 1
# of lines: 0
# of times he uses his powers: 0
Appearing alongside his hag, Jean Paul makes a brief one panel appearance.

Dark Avengers #8
# of panels: 4
# of lines: 0
# of times he uses his powers: 0
He shows up with all the other X-Men in the group gathering in the church.

Tracking the Cameo Queens: Dazzler; Real Name: Alison Blaire

The character of this post is the Quintessential Cameo Queen. She makes Cameo Queening an art form. She is also a frequent Cover Queen. She is the gay icon of the X-Men, Dazzler aka Alison Blaire. And I also happen to love referring to her as Diva.

Cover Gallery:

And now for the appearances:

Uncanny X-Men #502
# of panels: 4
# of lines: 13
# of times using her powers: Her glow is present during all of her appearance.
Craption: Sonic transducer. Totally fabulous.
Dazzler shows up to Pixie’s bedside after Pixie gets attacked at one of her concerts. She appears really ditsy and tells Pixie that when she’s healed up she can come dance in one of Daz’s shows.

Uncanny X-Men #503
# of panels: 2, but one’s just a tiny silhouette.
# of lines: She just sings.
# of times using her powers: 1, for lights affects in her show.
Craption: Sonic light transducer. Great abs.
Dazzler shows up for one page with her song carrying in the background for the rest of the issue. And I just have to add she’s wearing something god awful. I do not understand her going to pop whatsoever.

Uncanny X-Men #504
# of panels: 1
# of lines: 0
# of times using her powers: 0
Craption: None
Normally I wouldn’t count this, but since cameo queens is based from Fraction’s Uncanny I will. Dazzler only appears in one panel showing Scott’s mindscape hotel filled with every woman he’s checked out. And Dazzler’s girls are enormous.

Uncanny X-Men #505
She just appears on the cover.

Uncanny X-Men #506
# of panels: 3
# of lines: 0
# of times using her powers: 2
Craption: None
Dazzler only appears watching TV, then running out to help the Russian refugees. Then she is later shown to be creating a light show for one of the girls in the med area. Which is totally cheesy. But that’s what you get when you hire Dodson.

Uncanny X-Men #509
# of panels: 6
# of lines: 8
# of times using her powers: 3
Craption: None
Dazzler this time is shown giving a concert looking absolutely cheesy, this time compliments of Land. Later she is shown with fellow cameo queen, Northstar, and Pixie coming back from a night on the town. And assumably a bit inebriated. Her only real lines are saying that if Emma and Scott can’t make it, then there’s no hope for the rest of them. Which is a BS line like no other. Then she’s shown on her feet, ready to fight the Sisterhood.

Uncanny X-Men #510
# of panels: 1
# of lines: 0
# of times using her powers: 0
Craption: None
Dazzler this issue is simply shown in one panel recovering from the Mastermind attack. And being poorly comforted by Emma.

Uncanny X-Men #511
# of panels: 14
# of lines: 28
# of times using her powers: 2
Craption: Transforms sound into light. Seven top-forty hits. Really wants to direct.
Shown running to catch the Sisterhood. Then shown in the exact same position as Emma and Karma as they confront the Sisterhood. She then confronts Psylocke while everyone else is gone and possessed Bets isn’t having it so she strikes her with her psy-knife. The much talked about totally awesome Dazzler scene happens as Dazzler zaps Psylocke with a blast that fries off half of Psylocke’s face. Psylocke then regains control enough to off herself and Dazzler goes to her side trying to wake her up. In the end, Dazzler is shown helping Psylocke up as she transferred to her Asian body and is now fine. And they have a BFF shot. The end.

Uncanny X-Men #513
# of panels: 2, but one is just her back.
# of lines: 0
# of times using her powers: 0
Craption: None.
Dazzler is simply shown in the background as the X-Men watch Emma Frost publicly come out against the X-men. All the while, D-List Dazzler, Dagger, gets page time. Rest assured, Diva will see to it that her knockoff pays.

Uncanny X-Men #514
# of panels: 7
# of lines: 1
# of times using her powers: 1, it's just her glow.
Craption: None.
Diva ups the standards for Cameo art with the debut of Cameo crotch! Daz also ups the one line standards as when she utters her one, personality-less line she manages to get the ANTM wind in the air. This lady is the cameo queen to watch out for.

Secret Invasion: X-Men #3
# of panels: 6
# of lines: 0
# of times using her powers: 0
Dazzler is again used as background filler.
But she also makes the cover. She’s a true cameo queen.

X-Men: Manifest Destiny #5
# of panels: 26
# of lines: She gets a third of the issue to herself. Not counting it.
# of times using her powers: 3 along with her glow.
This is a nice story about how Dazzler set on hard times on London so she set off to san Fransisco. She confronts an unruly passengers who is also a singer. He commands her to sing a song by taking someone hostage, so she complies and he ends up singing with her which gives her the power to laser his face. But not like face-frying Psylocke laser. In the end she’s offered a gig with a nightclub. This is meant to bridge the gap between what she’s been up to since we last saw her and her first appearance in Uncanny. Probably more speaking lines here than all her other parts combined. Also, she got this cover.

X-Men: Worlds Apart #4
# of panels: 1
# of lines: 0
# of times using her powers: 0
Dazzler’s appearance this issue is a one-panel scene stealer that even overshadows the mini-series’ lead character, Storm. She just lies there unconscious. Brilliant use of character!

X-Infernus #4
# of panels: 2
# of lines: 0
# of times using her powers: 1
Dazzler is background filler in the Danger Room ending scene. True cameo queening.

Dark Avengers/Uncanny X-Men: Utopia
# of panels: 3
# of lines: 0
# of times using her powers: 2
Making cameo queening an art, Ms. Diva extraordinaire makes three separate panel appearances this issue with no lines, but all eyes on her. First she appears at the protest with her gays. Then she watches the news with the X-Men with Colossus putting his arms on her shoulder. Sexual tension indeed! Lastly, Dazzler stands with her gays as leather daddy, Ares, threatens them. All the while Cyclops mentions that the scary part is that one day Ares will have to be taken down. I can think of no better opponent than Dazzler, cameo queen, with the power to generate light or zap you into a Marvel Zombie. This time around Diva did not make the cover because she stepped aside to let fellow cameo queens Northstar and Psylocke have a taste of cover space.

X-Men Legacy #226
# of panels: 1?
# of lines: 0
# of times using her powers: 0
My site says that Dazzler appeared here, but I can’t spot her anywhere. It’s possible some idiots got her confused with Ariel. Who’s more like a drag impersonator trying to Dazzler. Utopia is truly the gayest crossover ever and I love every minute that it’s being homo.

X-Men Legacy #227
# of panels: 2
# of lines: 0
# of times using her powers: 1, it's just her glow.
The Mistress of Momentary Manifestations only showed for quick cameo this issue.

Dark Avengers #8
# of panels: 3
# of lines: 1
# of times using her powers: 0
Diva magic as Dazzler comes in for her monthly line.

Also, she appears in Dark X-Men Exodus with Dark Beast trying to cover up the Diva within. Not to worry, children, Diva will show him what it takes to be an icon. She may even add in a “Why can’t you give me the respect that I‘m entitled to!?!” a la Mommie Dearest.